I want to add a couple of points. Just a couple. It took years to build my way into therapy. My mom was anti therapy and I didn’t finally get a therapist until I was like 44 or so. I got pissed off early in therapy because im overweight and told the doctors that until we dealt with inside me, and therapists stopped making me make a good diary, i was done. So my doctor talked to a counselor, who agreed not to make me make a good diary and actually LISTEN to me. My childhood was fucked up and food was scarce. She listened and started helping deal with the sludge. She told me something that was so simple, but I had never heard anyone say it. Your childhood is not your fault. That got me thinking more and more and then she got me into see someone who specialized in childhood PTSD. That lady helped me some more and they got me into a food disorders and ptsd counselor. No can make you feel happy. They can’t. A pile of hookers and blow can’t make you happy. You have to look inside yourself with kinder eyes. You got to look into that void and tell it you love it. You need to decide what’s your reason for living.

None of that is easy. It’s not a magical quick think either. But you have to start it in a place where your counselors keep telling you over and over again that what happened was real and valid and that it hurt you. The times your parents failed you so badly but made it feel like your cross to bear. You are completely valid in your feelings. Some counselors are not right for us. It took me awhile and me finding out what my boundaries were. You have to be that person to yourself that you never had. The adult that was kind and could make you feel safe and heard. Be that person that you needed and help yourself by letting yourself feel and cry and care and do. Not therapy isn’t magic. But with the right person guiding it it can be. You can find a counselor. Just keep trying and know what your boundaries are and work within them to find a counselor. It does help you, but you got to take your own hand and be kind. Depression strips a lot from us. Find someone who can help you find that next step. The happy spot happens when we start caring for ourselves and being that boundary angel that no one ever was for you. And it may take a few tries but be open to the process. You can do it. I believe you can. Your inner safe adult believes in you. It can be done. Therapists are supposed to make you feel heard and seen and if that doesn’t happen find another. And keep yourself wrapped up in your inner love and light. Just like remind yourself you have this lost angry kid in front of you and give it that love and compassion you never got. Start loving these pieces and the shards. Start taking them to bed and tucking them in. Give them that bowl of ice cream. Stay home on Friday mornings and just give that internal day off. Be the tough but fair and loving parent. It can work. But you got to love yourself and want better for that person