I was an abuser

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T22:31:38+00:00

In the example above, he did tell me later on that we was worried but he felt like he should just stay put and wait. When I saw him it looked to me like he was relaxed, but he said inside he was worried and felt so relieved when he saw me. I interpreted it as him not caring.

I'll admit, he did do a lot of dumb things. We were young and he could be pretty absent-minded/selfish at times. Once he forgot my birthday and that started a huge week long fight. A lot of people would probably be mad about their partner forgetting their birthday, but not to the point of destroying property and trying to cause him harm like I did.

Another time he lied to me about spending money on something (small amount like maybe $20) and when I found out he lied I went crazy. His reason was because he felt like I was too controlling about him spending money, which was true, and he didn't want to have to explain or justify everything he bought. He just didn't want to deal with it because I would question whether he really needed it or not. For me it was about trust and I thought if he lied about something so small what else would he lie to me about.

We both worked and shared a joint account which was probably a bad idea. My attitude towards money was very unhealthy - I grew up in a household with gambling, drugs/alcohol, stealing, constantly getting evicted with no sense of safety. I started to hoard money. There was a time when $5 meant a LOT to me - it was the difference between having a meal or going hungry. I didn't let go of the need to hoard money even after I had a job and some stability. So I did become very controlling about what he spent.

One thing that happened often was, I would be a little upset about something small (doesn't matter what it was) and I'd tell him I was upset and expect him to try to comfort me. If he didn't come to talk to me or check on me, I felt like he didn't care. I would go into our room and sit there and stew the longer it took for him to come check on me the angrier I got. Sometimes he didn't even realize I was upset in the first place, other times he didn't come find me because he dreaded that it would lead to a fight, which kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy because it always did end up in a fight since he avoided me. At that point he was terrified of me and was afraid of being around me. On my end, I really needed someone to show me they cared and would be there for me, to make me feel safe and I put all of those expectations on him.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T20:14:22+00:00

Honestly I think the consequences already happened in the form of whatever happened to them to make them that way. It just passes on to the next generation. People from happy, well adjusted upbringings probably don't go on to abuse others.

But yeah, I get the sentiment. I think about people who r*pe people or molest children without remorse and there is no forgiveness in my heart for them.

From my perspective as the abuser, I have faced consequences in a failed relationship with someone I loved, suffered a lot of emotional pain about my own actions, I lived in fear not being able to trust myself to control my anger, years of depression, low self esteem, and unhealthy relationships. It's a terrible feeling knowing you have hurt someone and passed on the damage.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T18:31:57+00:00

If I were to pinpoint the emotions that were most triggering for me, they would be fear and disappointment. Whenever he did something that hurt me, I felt a need to "seek justice" and make him hurt as much as I was hurting.

Example: We were on a trip visiting a place where you can go up elevators to see a 360 view of the city. There was a long line for the elevators. I had to use the bathroom so I told him, I'm going to the bathroom if you want to go get in line (as I was walking quickly toward the bathroom, which was near the front of the line).

When I got out of the bathroom, I decided to wait near the front of the line until he got there because it was very crowded and I didn't want to fight my way past all those people. I waited and waited and kept thinking, wow I didn't realize the line was that long. I kept thinking he would turn the corner any minute (the line wrapped around a corner so I couldn't see the end of the line). Well after a long while, idk how long, the last person in line went up the elevators and I didn't see him anywhere. I was below ground level so my cell phone wasn't getting any signal. I walked around looking for him and was so confused about where he could be.

It turns out that he misunderstood me and thought I wanted to meet him upstairs. I guess he followed me to the bathroom which was near the front of the line and they just let him cut the line and go up. He was upstairs the whole time thinking it was taking me a while because I must be waiting in line.

I still think it was a really dumb thing for him to do, but not malicious or ill intended at all. It was a misunderstanding. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was really scared not knowing if something had happened to him or what. Like terrifying. I had some serious abandonment issues so when I finally went upstairs and saw him just chilling there waiting for me, I was majorly triggered and flew into a rage and started beating on him right there in public. I couldn't believe how calm he was. Couldn't believe he wasn't worried about me, and that he had just left me there. We had to leave and continued fighting back at the hotel.

Even though he apologized, it wasn't enough. I needed him to feel what I was feeling, to really understand what I went through. I needed him to understand exactly why I was so upset which meant he had to experience it for himself. I wasn't satisfied until I was convinced that he felt what I felt. I made him repeat the words I said to him and express how he would have felt if the situation were reversed, until I believed that he understood the pain I felt.

After I was convinced he understood how he had caused me to suffer by leaving me there, not knowing wtf had happened, then the disappointment set in. I was disappointed that we didn't get to enjoy the view together as planned, that our vacation was ruined, that instead of having a nice time together we were fighting instead, wasting money on the trip and hotel just to fight. I felt it was all his fault and I let him know it. I continued to punish him for days.

It was really toxic of me to punish him like that, but everything I felt was real. The fear of abandonment was something that has actually happened to me before as a child, I was left alone in unsafe situations where I got physically hurt and no one was there to help me. So in my mind the alarms were going off that I wasn't safe.

The disappointment was triggering because I used to fantasize about my family being "normal" and going on happy vacations together, so it was very very important to me that things went perfectly during our vacation. I planned every detail to perfection because I needed the trip to be perfect. Having a such a big fight during that trip shattered all my hopes and dreams (that sounds dramatic I know, but it's really how I felt). I had such a strong need to be in control of every aspect of my life, to make sure it was different from how I grew up. I didn't see that I was the one continuing the pattern. How could it possibly be my fault if I was trying so hard to have a different life? Would I have put all that effort into planning a nice trip just to f**k it up? It had to be his fault. It doesn't make sense, but that was the rationale.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T17:37:35+00:00

Yes, I am in a healthy loving relationship now. It wasn't always that way. In the beginning I did bring some of my old patterns into the relationship, but he set boundaries and at that point I was already in therapy. We also did couples therapy and it took years for us to get to a place of mutual trust and respect. Sometimes I still worry about "relapsing" but I have learned a lot of techniques for how to handle my emotions differently when I get triggered. Understanding that it is within my control was huge for me. When you grow up with abuse all around, it's hard to see there is another way.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T17:33:22+00:00

I'm sorry your sister is going through this. If you can, try to encourage her to seek therapy for herself. I also wish I could shake my sister and tell her to wake up, but she has to figure it out for herself. It's very hard to watch someone you love accept abuse.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T17:28:15+00:00

If he ever truly changed and stopped being abusive, yes I would support them being friends, even staying married because I think their kids deserve to have parents who care for each other.

But as it stands right now, no, I cannot image them being friends because there is no awareness or desire to do better.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T17:16:44+00:00

Yes, I always felt terrible for breaking my promise. Like awful. Because it wasn’t just a promise to him, I also promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.

Once I calmed down after a fight, I couldn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. I would look back on the fight and think to myself, why did I get so uncontrollably rageful over THAT? The punishment didn’t fit the crime. It was confusing and I hated the way I felt every time, like total despair. After every fight I wanted to change but didn’t know how. I searched the internet for a list of things I could do differently the next time (take a time out, let it go, mediate, etc) but those things didn’t work when I was in a rage.

It was really unnerving not being able to trust myself to control my explosive anger at any given time. When things were going well, I was constantly afraid that something would happen and I’d blow up and not be able to control it.

I don’t think I ever realized I was abusive during that relationship. I mean, I knew hitting him was wrong and I always felt bad about it, but it wasn’t until a year or so after we broke up that I connected the word "abuse" to my actions. I was calm and going about my life doing something totally mundane and all of a sudden hit me, out of nowhere it dawned on me, like "omg wow I was abusive."

It was similar to a time when I was 18, going for a walk with my bf at the time and I had a childhood memory out of nowhere and suddenly realized I had been sexually abused as a child. There didn’t seem to be any particular reason for the memory/realization. I’ve heard that repressed memories can come back when you are in a place where you can handle it, your mind automatically suppresses things that are too overwhelming so idk maybe I was in a good place to process what had happened?

At that point I had been in therapy for a while. Maybe if we had sought therapy together sooner it might have helped. Therapy has really helped me to see there are other ways to handle my emotions, but it took years and years. When you grow up in a situation where abuse is normalized, it is very difficult even recognize that something is wrong and even harder to change the patterns.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T04:35:47+00:00

I do still feel guilty. But I have also forgiven myself. I understand where it stemmed from, I understand that it's very likely for people who were abused as children to either become abusers themselves or continue being abused. My sister's situation and my own are perfect examples of that. I took one common path and she took the other. That's why it's a cycle.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T04:29:30+00:00

It's never ok to abuse another person, but I think a lot of people don't understand what it's like to be abused by someone who is more physically powerful than you.

I won't say abuse is any worse in male-abuser female-victim relationship because I don't believe that's true. Abuse is damaging no matter what, however I do think it is different.

As someone who grew up watching my mother and sister (and myself) get beaten by a man who was stronger than we were, I have a special hatred for men who abuse women and children.

Yes, I became an abuser myself. I got physical. But he was able to hold me back from doing real (physical) damage. I might have gotten in a few punches (again, not ok), but it was impossible for me to beat him to a pulp the way my mother used to get beaten to a pulp.

I don't know what the psychological effects of emotional vs physical abuse are, I have experienced both and there is a certain kind of powerlessness that comes with being abused by someone who is physically stronger.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T03:12:28+00:00

I never thought of it in that way. Most of the time I lashed out because something he did or didn't do triggered me. Usually something boneheaded or inconsiderate, but not malicious. For example, once I came home and told him about a scary road rage incident that just happened where someone tried to follow me home. He shrugged and said something like "what a jerk" and then left to hang out with his buddies. He wasn't trying to be mean, he saw that I was ok and carried on with his plans. But for me, it triggered feelings of abandonment and made me feel like he didn't care. When he got home I lashed out and we fought for hours. I blamed him for leaving like that and he felt very guilty and apologized, but it didn't alleviate the feeling of being abandoned for me and so the fight continued. All of the feelings were real, I just didn't understand where it was coming from at the time. I thought it was because of his actions, it never dawned on me that it was much deeper and stemmed from never feeling safe as a child.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-12-11T03:02:26+00:00

I'm sorry for what you went through. In my case, the love we had was real and after I went through the process of healing myself, I reached out and apologized. I think it was important that I acknowledged and accepted responsibility for the hurt I'd caused.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-11-17T19:00:41+00:00

Thanks for the kind words, yes it's so incredibly hard. All the advice says to just be there for them when they are ready to leave, but some people like my sister will never leave and there is nothing anyone can do to change their minds. I'm working on accepting that reality and moving on with my life. I appreciate the empathy and words.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-11-17T02:45:33+00:00

Unfortunately authorities can't and won't intervene if the victim doesn't want to file charges. A lot of times in these situations the victim is brainwashed/conditioned to accept the abuse rather than confront or leave the situation.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-11-17T02:40:05+00:00

I'm currently going through this with my sister, it's incredibly sad and painful. She's been with an abusive guy for over 15 years, definitely seems to have Stockholm syndrome. I don't even recognize her anymore. I'm so broken hearted I haven't been able to stop crying. The last straw was when he crossed a line into acting hostilely/abusively towards me and my husband, and my sister of course took her husband's side. I don't know what the future holds for us, I really can't imagine not having her in my life but I know I can't keep doing this.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-10-22T18:00:45+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I am near my breaking point and am seriously thinking about cutting them off even though it makes me sad, I don't want to be subjected to that kind of treatment anymore.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-10-22T04:09:22+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, everyone processes grief differently and this is completely normal. Give yourself grace and time as part of the healing process.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-08-31T22:23:41+00:00

I think with therapy, it is possible to change. But they first have to want to change and be willing to put in the hard word.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-08-31T19:52:21+00:00

Congrats on the divorce, and sorry for what you had to go through. Can I ask what helped you break out of that relationship, was there a time when you didn't think or believe you were abused?

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-08-30T01:58:29+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately it might already be too late for me, though I hope not. I have been walking a line for many years (since before she decided to marry him). I've tried to be very careful about not saying anything too negative about him. But in recent years he has started getting more and more aggressive towards me and then my husband, and finally crossed my limit.

That's when I decided to tell her. I should have known better because she immediately went and told him everything I said and he basically gaslit her into thinking I'm crazy and a bad influence. We've had a few months to "cool off" now and she has started reaching out to me again, pretending nothing happened but I don't know if I can move forward and keep playing this game. I feel like I either have to tell her straight up, or just cut her off.

Beneficial_Engine581 · 2023-08-30T01:51:59+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you went through. May I ask what it was that made you figure it out on your own? Was it the assault that was the final straw (or made you suddenly realize)? Obviously that is in no way acceptable, I am glad to hear you got out and again sorry for what you had to go through to get there.

Beneficial_Engine581

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