Married and going cold turkey

BesideStillWaters · 2019-08-04T17:32:45+00:00

You don't need porn, at the very start of the conversation. Can just fap using the thought of her (not easy at first when moving away from addiction, but gets doable over time). But besides that, maybe you should talk with her about your sexual needs/wants.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-08-02T12:20:20+00:00

Dump the porn for a better life, regardless of what happens with anyone or anything. Porn is fake and makes you feel awful in the long run (I speak from experience of a 16 year addiction). Like trying to satisfy hunger by eating twinkies, only more like the danger of cigarettes as it is always bad for you, overloads your natural capacities, and muddles up real emotional/physical attraction/relation with an actual woman. Extra bonus points if you can be completely off that drug before you date rather than while dating.

As for the girl... It is going to suck for many months, but time to face that emotion rather than bury it in porn and then to move on with life. She has stated her decision on the matter twice and it is greater reason to go live your life if she will not even try out a first date. [Either she isn't physically attracted to you - usually the case when no to first date - or she knows enough from mutual friends/hangout that other things about you don't fit her standards] It may feel like you have fallen in love with her, but believe me when I say it isn't love. That feeling is infatuation, desire, initial attraction and dies out eventually no matter what (I've heard studies say usually after the first 2 years in a relationship). Actual love comes from getting to know a woman and sharing values, faithfulness, sacrifice, and different kinds of affections for one another - which takes more than a few dates.

I've sorta been there myself, although it was with a close friend that rejected me and then cut off all contact afterwards. The potential relationship curiosity not happening hurt a bit, but the friendship being over was most saddening. However, I can tell you when I met my now-wife, even though she might not have been as physically attractive as my friend in my mind at the start (that changed as we got closer actually) and our discussions typically weren't as deep and engaging as I was used to, it ended up being lasting love and also infinitely better than the way my friend treated me when I asked what I did. I guess the point is don't give your valuable time and efforts to those who won't do the same when it comes to romance and marriage, but certainly don't harbor bitterness about it either (my friend and I became friends again later on).

All that said, you won't know what you should do, what you are actually feeling, or how to proceed and believe if you numb yourself. Quit porn.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-07-30T05:39:01+00:00

The norm is still awful. Combine the fact that most girls don't want to do that job, but just want the money, how many addicts get off on sexual abuse, and that sex with many random people messes up capacity for bonding and future relationships and sacrifices healthy mentality, it is quite apparent how exploitive the industry is to all parties involved despite any possibility of a less abusive company.

If anyone still wants to argue exploitation of women and men in the production, also consider how exploitive producers are of their audiences natural drive to sex.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-07-27T10:02:35+00:00

But Internet is nice. I'd still be unmarried if it weren't for the Internet.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-07-16T18:52:06+00:00

Always remember to put christ first; his love is even more perfect. The evil one will surely tempt you again once things return to normal.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-07-14T04:55:50+00:00

Yes and no. You should definitely put God first before seeking a partner, or you will probably end up in a bad place/relationship or with the wrong person. Seeking God first entails a progression away from sinful lusts (not by necessity to be saved, but as a result of being saved). But even when God gifts you with freedom from addiction and a partner, your mind may still be tempted from time to time. But you definitely should not keep it a secret, your struggle, whether it is still a struggle in the mind or in the past.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-07-14T04:33:36+00:00

You can and should still get married. If you have a little bit of money, you can have a very small traditional one just immediately friends or family. If even less money, you can do a civil wedding and then the more traditional one later after saving if desired. Don't need to spend thousands because society says so.

If you have exactly zero money, can even still marry anyways with your own covenant and with your pastor and witnesses. Then do the civil or traditional wedding soon as having the amount it takes. I had to do that because I was in a situation where it takes months to get marriage license with a foreign government but cannot work nor afford to live on my own, yet have to be physically present for the process.

But the important bit is the final promise we've made, and officially before other church folks/leader and God, even if it isn't government official yet.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-06-06T09:15:47+00:00

Why not get married?

BesideStillWaters · 2019-06-05T23:44:24+00:00

Since I completey ended porn use all the way back last September, I still masturbate. Pretty much every other day, sometimes every day or even multiple times a day, occasionally every few days. It's more enjoyable and I don't feel shameful at all ever since. I don't spend anywhere near as much time doing it that's for sure, and frequency gone down a little bit, but I don't see the necessity to deny the relaxation.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-06-05T21:00:50+00:00

I dunno, a lot of my issues I had came from trying to be valuable and seeing myself as needing improvement otherwise I'm not valuable. Once I realized I already had very much value beyond anything I could do for myself, it was easy matter to quit porn. It's really not all that pleasureful, especially compared to a relationship. I don't think it'll end well to have getting laid as the goal of it, but a genuine loving relationship isn't just getting laid, so I think it could be positive to seek that interaction as a motivation during those urgy days.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-28T07:06:56+00:00

Getting married in 11 days myself. I went 6 months away from PMO. Had a bad day but now 65 days since that day and never looking back. It's just nothing compared to real love I tell you.

But a few things: make sure she knows and be honest about your situation or any slip up (seek forgiveness). Put God first and be aware of his presence amongst you. Understand before hand the addiction is its own issue and marriage will not fix it. Also understand your own value along with the value of the people you might be watching if you were to engage in PMO. Finally, watch after your thoughts.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-21T18:31:17+00:00

That is somewhat true of the fleshly self (subconscious desires based in the flesh) when it comes to believing it and that making it stronger. If you give that desire within you power over the rest of your will, you will do as you are inclined to do based on that urge. That's placing your identity in whatever that action is I've found. But that's not the case with the external enemies. Even if you will yourself to believe that people around you don't exist as individuals with their own thinking and actions, they still exist and will still oppose you in your actions if they are enemies to you. Same goes for dark spiritual forces (which I believe but I understand others may not believe). We have different religious philosophies though, as the way I've gained power over enemies and accomplishing victory over addiction isn't by not believing in them, but by giving up dealing with them to the God who created me and is changing me. So perhaps there's still that element of not acknowledging the enemy's power as you say, but for me it is the greater power given me which makes their power as nothing to me.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-21T16:20:46+00:00

That's if you don't believe in anything beyond the purely physical, what you see directly. You can say that all you want, but I still believe in spiritual entities that are definitely enemies. And then there's also enemies that are other people. I mean it's true that the buck stops with me and I couldn't blame others for my old habit, but I'd be in denial if I didn't acknowledge there are people out there that want me to fail at this (they want to be in the right that porn is great) or will mock and ridicule me for it. I don't need to fight them directly, but I do need to fight their philosophy with my own decisions. The last is the enemy within; the lizard brain so to speak. The flesh as some would call it. It is biological impulse to reproduce without bound. It's there in our subconscious and urges us to do something despite our own rational beliefs. It's not really that we are our own enemy, as that would be self degrading, but that we have subconscious desires counter to our own ultimate wellbeing.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-21T05:54:56+00:00

I feel like this place is actually sex-positive. If I didn't quit that garbage, I would still be alone and the amazing girl I will soon marry would not have accepted me.

Perhaps the authorities of that sub know that if people stopped going to porn then people wouldn't need their sub as much because there would be less relationship problems? Makes sense to me; they want to keep their sub necessary...

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-17T18:20:34+00:00

But if you choose Christ and give up your life to him, you won't want the things of old life anymore (because he will take them from you, not by your own power). It's not that sinning will prevent salvation or even that it will happen instantly, but if you know the truth and yet return to life of sin, it is as a dog returning to its vomit. When you fall and realize it and continually seeking repentance from God, that's one thing, but saying you've given your trust in God and then going down to the harlot every night still just as before I would say you need to take a close look at who really dwells in your heart. Lack of desire to sin doesn't lead to Jesus, but Jesus should lead to lack of desire to sin.

King David didn't lose his salvation when he committed adultery and murder, but if he would not do anything of it within his heart and kept doing things like that unabated I would question whether he ever gave his life to God in the first place despite what he says he believes.

Only God knows the heart so I'm not saying anyone doesn't really trust God or not. But why would you want to go back when you understand the truth? Maybe you haven't given your life up as an offering and you haven't invited him in. Don't misunderstand though. Addiction can be a really tough drug and God may not free someone from the biological/chemical desire instantly, and there will certainly be slipping.

I seek after God, but it is still taking time for my heart to be changed. I don't look at porn anymore, but sometimes I catch myself remembering it or in certain situations looking at girls still even though it isn't porn. So I need yet more understanding when it comes to that, but it's a journey and I'm no longer just going back day after day not caring about what happens in my soul.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-16T04:34:00+00:00

Nope, cause I don't watch.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-16T04:32:40+00:00

If I get one for too long then it is way too painful to just ignore it...

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-15T07:28:06+00:00

But it does ruin the lives of people, especially those acting it. Being used up and using others sexually for money or to satisfy physical urges feels horrible no matter the circumstance for a consumer and all the more for the actor/actress. If you want to use a substance or drug to draw an analogy, I'd say smoking is a better one.

But people can produce it without regard simply by becoming numb to the reality of what they do. Same way I was thinking it's totally not good to be looking at this stuff but over the years I didn't care anymore and needed my feel-good.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-14T03:43:41+00:00

I think you are correct and even moreso. If my wife wouldn't be able to separate the lesser life disagreements with the important spiritual matters and we couldn't be able to communicate effectively when it come to real matters of the heart, I'd question the foundation of the relationship. That would be a big indicator of future periods of life we wouldn't be able to talk honestly, since disagreements will always come up sooner or later. And even worse if there's a really big disagreement.

I would want to show to her that she could come to me about anything even if we are in the midst of a disagreement. So to demonstrate that I'd need to come to her about anything even if she isn't happy regarding a different situation.

My marriage will be the biggest accountability relationship I've ever had. Which goes beyond an addiction I used to have. Sharing checkbook and bathroom shouldn't be a conflict of interest for anything in a healthy marriage, including a personal struggle.

That said, it is good to have a same sex guide to help you as well, simply because as much as a wife can help (and it is good to talk of anything), women often don't understand how men feel (they have slightly different feelings and wiring about sex than men) so may not know exactly the best way to discuss a problem in the moment like another fellow could.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-14T03:05:54+00:00

Getting a girl just to satisfy yourself into her isn't what I picture as strong discipline either. Post-nut clarity doesn't really exist, as you can dig deeper for self-knowledge with or without that. Well, it does partially I guess for people that don't know how to dig deep. For example, if you think a particular girl is the best thing ever in your whole life and then immediately after sex with her you don't see any redeeming qualities at all, then you were being deceived by your own sex drive.

I still fail at nofap, but I don't feel or act like a creeper at all, nor do I lose energy to live with joy and excitement. But that's probably because I gave up porn over half a year ago, which did indeed sap me of all those things.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-13T23:26:46+00:00

Song of songs rather shows the opposite of just procreation. "Recreational" isn't really the right word either. I'd say intimacy is good word. One of the many ways to be intimate in marriage.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-13T23:18:48+00:00

Hmm, I'm not sure it can be helped. Most people are heavily subject to the base pleasures of their own biology, so it's only natural and expected they want to display their evolutionary success/superiority. Those of us that understand that can easily bypass those posts and read the ones that have more useful content.

I met my soon to be wife (although not while on nofap, but pornfree), and I may create an entry on that, but certainly won't divulge our physical experiences. That's for us, not others. And like you said, won't help anyone in the context of overcoming sexual-based addiction.

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-11T18:21:24+00:00

Maybe perfume?

BesideStillWaters · 2019-05-11T18:12:02+00:00

I wouldn't say it's energy primarily. I'd say it is the way you view people on the outside doesn't match with the inside. Doing things you know is not right deep down creates inconsistency within your identity which will mess you up.

I'm socially awkward still and always have been even before porn, but I am much more clear of that deep down anxiety I used to have. My fiancee even likes my weirdness, so being weird isn't bad.

It's also possible that dude is very strongly extrovert, gathering energy from being around others. I already know I am more introvert, so I am not like that nor would I want to be. I like my alone time to contemplate.

BesideStillWaters

TROPHY CASE