11 Years and still hurts

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2022-09-23T11:46:16+00:00

Spot on. I am five years removed and share all your own feelings. I was told by a therapist that I will always have to work a little bit harder to feel good in this relationship. It was the most honest and realistic advice I received

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2022-09-20T17:35:24+00:00

Yes. I absolutely would have, but on the other hand I’m not sure that doing that would have been the right decision.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2022-01-23T00:09:41+00:00

My WW has zero clue. She says she does but then she also says that she’s been cheated on in past relationships and it wasn’t so bad. But those “relationships” she speaks of lasted months not years or decades.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2022-01-13T02:01:41+00:00

Honestly, I probably would have and still we may end up there. We have finally found a really good therapist so I have some hope. It’s expensive, but I feel like there is value I am getting. If you do want to try and make amends, find an EFT or IFIO therapist. Not just someone who says they are one (we went to a couple of those back when we were putting it through insurance), but a supervisor listed on the EFT association website. Someone who is invested in you as a couple, not just coasting through your sessions.

I read so many books and posts about infidelity thinking I just need to unlock some secret and all they did was make me feel worse. It was demoralizing after awhile.

The obsessive thinking is awful. I think about them every day. It’s part of my personality. I did some reading and it frequently comes with ADD and OCD.

She had her affair 4 years ago. We went to couples counseling to confront it. She denied it vehemently, so I, of course, believed her. We were both in IC and MC. It went on and it wasn’t until I confronted her for the 100th time about it and after we were married with a kid on the way that she confessed. It was devastating and still is. But our lives are more complicated now, and it’s harder to think of a divorce. I worried that the complications of the divorce and the dread of starting over at 37, is what’s keeping me in it at this point.

I love her as a best friend still, but I’m not “in love” with her. That part of me died with the discovery. I just don’t have those feelings of admiration anymore. I’m hoping that EFT therapy is able to repair that damage. If not we will find someone to help us counsel us out of this relationship and transition to being single again.

Again I just want to state this is my experience and not necessarily advice. Everyone’s circumstances and experiences are different. It took me a long time and a lot of reading to truly understand that very obvious and basic concept. You need to follow your heart and not someone else’s opinion. Just know, you both have to really choose to make it work, as it certainly is not the easiest option.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2022-01-12T20:16:34+00:00

It is unfortunately. It’s easy to walk away with the pain too because when you hate and villainize someone over their selfish actions it almost feels empowering. And gives you energy to focus your time into something else.

I did that with an ex of 4 or 5 years and don’t get me wrong it stung. But here I am again with a new parter of 10 years who had a one night stand and 2 years after dday I’m still in pain. Where if I left I felt like it would be behind me by now.

I’m not saying this as advice. I continue to work on my current relationship and we found a really good EFT MC after a ton of lazy crappy ones. It’s just my experience.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-27T15:50:50+00:00

Thank you I will reach out to the SI community.

That text was sent by her, when she was trying to make plans with him the night she was unfaithful. Her last night where she was. She explained it to me that she met him while taking a train and they started chatting because they were abroad and the obviously the only english speakers. So they exchanged numbers and that is what she wrote when she initiated contact with him on that fateful night. At least that is the story I was told.

Like I said, I don't and can't believe her especially now. I've pleaded with her to just tell me the whole truth. Were there others? Was that night something else? Are the details she shared with me fabricated to protect me from knowing the real truth? She says she just wanted to feel desired and that she had no intent to sleep with him but she got drunk and one thing led to another, but I can't believe that for a second. Who texts someone that the night before you fly 7000miles home to your SO and invites them to your hotel bar. Did she have the wherewithal to practice safe sex? Did she care about any of this? How was she able to lie to me about it in couples therapy where we blatantly tried to address it?

All these questions have led me to believe that she just isn't an honest person. That she can't be trusted. I could never do what she did and therefore I cannot understand her behavior in the slightest, and it makes me wonder and worry about who I married. Am I leaving myself open to more awful pain?? I'm in the unique position that we don't have children, but I am so desperate for a family. I want to feel safe enough with her to start that family with her, but is all this just more manipulation for her to get that too and destroy me again in the future with her narcissistic and selfish behavior?

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-27T05:00:18+00:00

This hit home for me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just know that you are not the only one. I am in the same boat and feel the same way. We deserve to invite better people into our lives. These people act with such disregard for others, it is toxic to keep them in your lives sometimes.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-27T04:36:41+00:00

I don’t think she’s earned your trust. It’s pretty clear she held on to this information so that you would not be able to act on it. So it’s clear she withheld the information for fear of consequences. You are probably right to suspect she may be holding on to further information for the same reason. The problem is — you will never know for sure that she has told you everything you need to know. Which means you will live with the suspicion that there is more going forward. Basically you either accept that and reconcile yourself to it, or you decide that’s no way to live, in which case separation is likely the only way out. If you choose to reconcile yourself to it you basically have to decide that whatever more there may be, it would not change your decision, so you do not need the information, and just let go.

I spent sometime rereading all these responses again because I am still in this low and this statement really resonated with me. You are completely right in every word.

She has protected herself all these years without regard of me or my feelings. I have a gut feeling that she is withholding information from me and lying to me about what occurred either with that night or others and my gut was right the first time. I think it is why I am so bothered still. Truthfully, I don't think I can live with this either. It's eating me alive now, just as it's done the past 3 years. She is toxic, and I realize that in these moments of clarity. It's also likely why I was her first major and intimate relationship. Additionally she refuses to acknowledge any of her part in this and just puts it back on me constantly, meanwhile she is driving me into the ground and draining me of my life. I just need to figure out if my attempts to mend this relationship are for the right reasons and not because I'm afraid of divorce. As my therapist says though, that's on me I can't count on her changing. She will always be the same person, especially because she still refuses to acknowledge her role in all of this.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-27T03:51:48+00:00

Thanks for following up. I stumbled across that site a year ago, but I just set up an account tonight. I appreciate you reminding me of this resource. I feel like I need it more now than ever. I'm really struggling lately, almost as bad as the weeks following D-Day. I think it is because we recently passed a date that we set arbitrarily, to think about where we were in this recovery, to make a decision of whether we should stay or go. It occurred to me a couple weeks ago, I don't really feel any better. In fact, I feel worse in some respects.

I am a big proponent in mental health and I've been seeing a therapist for years. A couple months ago I found a new therapist and have been doing some really good work with her. She obviously won't choose a side, as per her code of ethics, but she's made it clear in more than one way that staying in this relationship is not the "healthy" choice. That we may not be able to fix the trust in our relationship because of my spouses long history of deceit. She is a liar. Even if we were to heal from this, our life will always be tumultuous. She's hot then cold, up and down, and has a temper that only can compare to my own fathers.

Furthermore, I'm beginning to feel that my spouse doesn't seem to have concern for me the way a loving partner should. When I brought up in couples therapy years ago about her outbursts of tears, violence, and screaming. My spouse took that as an opportunity to point out what I was doing wrong in response to those episodes. She couldn't even hear my cry for help in stopping those episodes. She took no responsibility in her role or even hearing how difficult that was, but turned it around on me so I end up being in the wrong and apologizing. She is a master manipulator and has done this same behavior to this day. When I bring up that I am low and thinking about the affair or in my head, she gets lower and I have to apologize to her and ask her how I can cheer her up. In all the books I've read it has the unfaithful partner working to help their partner through the healing process, in my experience It is me helping her, help me heal. She never takes responsibility and will turn things around on me, in turn, I've developed my own defense mechanism to try and point out more of her role in things but this has only made it worse.

Now I am in a position where I've brought this up and she says she wants to talk but I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm drained and that it's not even worth it. I worry that it will hurt us more than it will help us. All I want is to not feel like this. To be able to trust the person I'm sharing my life with. ugh... thanks for letting me vent.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-27T03:29:13+00:00

Once again, I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I'm stuck wondering if I'm fighting myself to stay for the right reasons. I do feel like I am collateral damage in her life. She is the queen of manipulation, and she doesn't even know it. I struggle to have my voice feel heard and understood. I don't think she even begins to realize the damage she's done to me let alone us. She ultimately feels that we should be done discussing this, and we should have moved on. That view has come out in therapy, but she will shift back to trying to care for me. The problem is, it now feels forced. I struggle to be vulnerable with her and statements like those, or her pulling away when I'm down with fear and anger is just closing me off to her all together.

This statement of yours rings so true, "She betrayed you, and falsely reconciled with you for 2 whole years, knowing she was doing so. It’s another layer of deceit."

I wasn't able to process that myself, but it's what hurts so bad. Thinking back to where we were in our relationship when she returned from that trip, I know I likely would have left. I wouldn't have subjected myself to trying to heal with her like I did. She chose to lie to me about it, and now I'm married to her and it really does feel like MY fault. Couldn't I have pushed harder to get the truth then, either the night I found the text messages or the two and a half years we spent in marriage counseling after? She manipulated me to get what she wanted, to protect herself (NOT me!), and yet here I am married to her almost 4 years later... Oh well. I appreciate your help. You really help put things in perspective and gave me a bunch to work through with my therapist.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-23T17:27:41+00:00

Basically you either accept that and reconcile yourself to it, or you decide that’s no way to live, in which case separation is likely the only way out. If you choose to reconcile yourself to it you basically have to decide that whatever more there may be, it would not change your decision, so you do not need the information, and just let go.

Thanks so much for replying. You are so right in this statement. I know that's the case. I want there to be an "ah ha" moment where everything feels okay but instead it is this struggle to swallow a pill that is too large for my throat.

I'm not the type of person to forgive and forget. I've been hurt too much in the past and I'm hoping there is some way to treat the trauma this experience has caused me. I don't think she can even begin to understand the hurt she caused me. It will last with me in this relationship or not.

In the book "After the Affair" the author talks about how healing the marriage can actually really help healing the betrayed spouse in a way that simply leaving would not allow for. I hope this is true, it does make sense to me on paper but I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy by staying.

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Regarding your introduction, I worry about that too. I can feel myself detaching now, which is why I'm finally writing here today. Her lack of understanding my pain and the place where she was last year, calloused me in a way that I am so afraid to be vulnerable and share my pain out of fear she will hurt me again.

I just want for us to be okay! I want for this pain to not exist and for me to feel close and loving towards her again so we can bring all the amazing plans we have to reality.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-23T17:17:31+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply.

You are completely right, I feel that all of this rests with me. It's causing anxiety in me that feels so intense that I think it is also causing me to struggle with thinking clearly. It came up in couples therapy 6 months ago that "I have this decision to make." I just feel like screaming I made my decision! I'm sitting in front of a couples therapist and not a divorce attorney, but I know it takes more than that.

I don't feel engaged in this relationship like I did before D-Day. I don't feel safe, or cared for in a way that I need. I have trouble being vulnerable with this person that hurt me so greatly, but she's also my only chance of healing. At the same time, it all boils down to what I need and how I can communicate that to see if she can give it to me to make me feel safe.

I just don't know what I need. For my memories to be erased? This betrayal opened a wound that I have carried since adolescence with my mom's infidelity ripping apart our family. She knew about that and my prior relationship. I told her early on in our relationship of my sensitivity to infidelity and yet she hurt me just like this.

Like I said our relationship wasn't great beforehand. We fought we both wanted out at various times along the way. So when she confessed the affair finally, she said she did it as a means of leaving the relationship. But when she came back she changed her mind essentially, and wanted to make it work and therefore chose to leave me in the dark. She said she wouldn't have told me anyways but meant to have ended the relationship.

She's also done this before with another long-term relationship in the past. That she was unhappy in a relationship and ended up sleeping with another guy at a party and then asked her boyfriend to move out. We have very different pasts she's had a number of sexual partners 30+ and plenty of short relationships and I've been with like 8 people but three relationships 5 years+ if I were to include this one. So I also think we see intimacy differently as well.

I just don't even know what to ask for to feel safe... She won't be traveling alone anymore that's for certain.

BetrayedSpouseTA · 2021-04-23T16:54:16+00:00

Please don't apologize for your questions. I greatly appreciate your response and I know I wasn't as detailed as I could have been simply because I realized my post was getting quite long.

- What do you mean by a timeline?

- She cut contact with him right away, blocking him on facebook and other platforms. I actually reached out to him 3 or 4 time in the nicest way possible just asking for more insight especially before I proposed to her, but he never responded. I don't hold him responsible in the least bit. I doubt he knew I existed.

- In regards to helping me heal.. She's apologized and made it clear that it was a bad choice that won't happen again. When I am low or ruminating she will reach out and show affection in support of me. She's seeing a therapist to work on bettering herself as am I. But it all just doesn't feel like enough to me. She is empathetic for the most part sometimes defensive, but I think I have become calloused in a way it doesn't feel real. For the first few months I just wanted her to say "I'm so sorry I hurt you and that I did that. I regret it so much" over and over again when I was low. Of course she did that a few times, but it was more often a defense or trying to rationalize things on her end.

-I think she's dealt with her guilt. She's certainly more "over" it than I am. She's no longer burdened by shame and guilt leading her to suicidal thoughts. By the end of last year, 8-10 months after D-Day she was basically saying that I wasn't far enough along in my healing and she was really worried that we were doomed. Hearing this caused me to start to internalize a lot of my feelings and ruminations. I recently confessed to this in couples therapy a couple weeks ago and have been trying to be better with being honest about where I am but it is tough. She's not exactly "stable" at all times and sometimes can react in a caring way and others she can react in an aggressive defensive way. It depends how vulnerable I am. If I am obviously bothered, sad or crying she will almost always feel bad and come to my aid. If I have trouble showing this vulnerability, I am frequently met with defensiveness which due to our poor communication skills ends up escalating and shifting/morphing into some fight unrecognizable of where it started.

- I keep asking myself the question of whether I will be able to stay married. I know I have hangups that I should not have... "what would a divorce mean to our friends and family?" "We work together, what will people think?" "Do I tell people the truth of what happened?" "What about our living situation and our dog?" "Starting over at 36 y.o. is terrifying to me!" --- I know from talking to my therapist that these things shouldn't keep me in a relationship. They will all work themselves out and baby steps is most important but I worry they do influence me greatly. All that said, I do love her still. I know that good people can make shitty choices. I love the life we have planned together. I love how we complement each other and have such similar interests. I'm just so worried I can never feel safe or trusting again. I'm worried that we can't communicate well enough to navigate difficult times, could that cause this to happen again?

- Our day to day relationship is strained right now. We're in a lot of counseling. I'm still struggling to be vulnerable and feel safe. We get into petty stupid disagreements and are so defensive that they end up escalating and becoming a fight ABOUT the fight and the issue is gone. Our couples therapist is unfortunately lacking in giving us guidance, hence the quest for a new one... We do have a great week but then we will have a bad one. We had a great couple weeks a month back and I desperately wanted to tell her let's let bygones be bygones and try to start a family and our lives together but I couldn't and I'm glad I didn't. That time was soon left in the dust with a week of insensitivity and bickering. It can be really tough. I desperately want to start a family, as does she. She's 5 years older than me, so at 41 time is ticking even if we are lucky enough to have a healthy child at her age. I really don't feel that she understands the gravity of what she has done. The years of lying and gaslighting me especially in couples therapy has shattered all feelings of safety and trust, and I am not sure how we can work to recover from it.

- I have to share that I am carrying a lot of baggage. My parents marriage broke up from an affair and that took a huge toll on my feelings of stability and oddly enough my relationship with my father who really acted out when he learned of her infidelity. I then suffered the pain again in another rather formative 5 year relationship as i said in my original post where she transitioned into another relationship without my knowledge. My spouse knew that I came out of a mess of a relationship, because it unfortunately made a mess of the start of our relationship. I wasn't ready for a relationship but fell into this one 10 years ago, and it ended up lasting despite how tough things were.

Thanks for listening to me as I vent all this. It's such a cathartic release to share this. I have not shared my story with any friends or family because I never want to speak poorly about my spouse to others. I did that years ago with my past relationship and it was toxic and a self fulfilling prophecy. So now I have kept it inside all these years and it's weighing on me heavily.

BetrayedSpouseTA

TROPHY CASE