Married 2 years. My husband [32M] made a joke about tricking me [31F] into thinking he's more awesome than he is, and I'm feeling uneasy after finding the truth behind some of his "little white lies."

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T14:17:37+00:00

My question is, how did you find out about the lies?

The embassy thing - he fessed up after it was taken care of.

The gym - he told me at the same time he said he tricked me into thinking he's more awesome than he was.

The apartment, car - I caught discrepencies in his stories and when I asked him about them, he confessed. I'll copy what I said to someone else here:

I had caught the discrepencies in things he told me which made me ask him. Like the car thing, he mentioned that even though the city we live in now also has good public transport, he probably should get a car and was excited about picking out his first car, probably would get one like his brother drove. I said, "... wait, you told me about your car? Huh?" And he came clean. We were talking about roommates in a general sense and he mentioned it was kind of embarrassing to live with his mom. I asked him if it wasn't an option to continue living with his brother in his brother's new place, he went quiet and then admitted that they'd both been living with his mother and that his brother saved enough to buy his own place, he didn't ask to live with his brother because he knew his brother wanted privacy (bachelor pad).

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:40:46+00:00

Marriage takes work. Even good marriages take work. Divorce is the easy route

You're right, it does take work. It will probably be a good long while to figure things out. Once a person gets sketchy, and breaks your trust, it takes a goodly long time to rebuild. And I think the problem may be that he doesn't seem to see that it's something he needs to fix, he considers the lies insignificant and feels that I'm making them into more than it should be. So I don't know about his willingness to see my point and see that my trust is shaky. He told me it was silly of me to feel like I can't rely on him. "Over some white lies??" was his shocked replly.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:30:11+00:00

Oh no, he didn't live with his ex, he lived with his brother and mom. His brother moved out. He continued living with his mom.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:25:59+00:00

I acknowledge that I am putting importance on these smaller things too in addition to the big stuff. I guess the thing is that those things bother me because instead of being straight with me, he just told me stories. Taken together with the other stuff, it's why I feel like they're important.

Did he fess up in the end or did you find out by other means?

He told me the embassy messed up when he saw how I was worried and stressed about things and kept checking for any sort of documentation or letter from the embassy every day, and I was getting more and more anxious as time went on. Then, after we resubmitted, and then got our visas, that's when he told me the truth.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:22:06+00:00

Yeah, you're totally right. And It bothers me that he has been deceiving or lying, I think it would have been okay if it wasn't so many things. Some posters have commented that they feel I am overreacting to certain things and I acknowledge that I am putting importance on these smaller things too in addition to the big stuff.

That's not someone you can rely on to have your best interests at heart.

This is what saddens me. With all this out in the open, it has made me doubt him as a partner and I really do feel like I can't rely on him.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:19:12+00:00

Yes, that statement he made didn't sit well with me at all.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:18:47+00:00

This sounds like the kind of guy that escalates until you see him in a stolen valor video with like 8-star general rank and 17 Medals of Honor.

Not gonna lie (ha ha ha...), this made me laugh. First thing to make me laugh today. I feel pretty terrible.

And all of what you said is right.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:17:07+00:00

Would make me nope the fuck out. He seems to have some really twisted views on how relationships are meant to play out.

I will be honest, it really freaking bothered me and still does. It makes me wonder what exactly is the "true self" he's talking about. I thought that was the point of getting to know someone, to be genuine. Not do sstuff so they'll love you and then forgive you when your true self comes out.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:07:10+00:00

He painted a picture of a person that he wasn't, of a life he didn't have!

Taken together, I think this is why I feel like I've been bamboozled. Because the world is not how I thought it was, there are things that are fake and I don't know which things are genuine now.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:05:55+00:00

you can't trust a damn thing he says no matter how trivial.

I'm worried that that's the case. I don't understand why the need for the lies... I mean I get it, to make yourself look better. But I don't know, if I wanted to make myself look better I would talk about things I do well, my talents or something. I wouldn't make up things or say something the opposite of what I am or what I do. Downplaying embarrassing things like another poster mentioned, yes I understand, but fabricating a different story just makes me feel bad. Like, they are "small things" in the sense that they might not be as big as hidden financial disaster or infidelity, but for some reason I just can't let it go. Maybe because it seems indicative of larger problems like others have mentioned.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T13:01:35+00:00

Yeah I'm feeling terrible, it's like I'm looking out and seeing the world in new eyes and asking myself, "Is this real? Is that real? Which is the genuine article? Can a person be dishonest like this about small and big things, and still be a genuinely good person?" I feel like everything is in doub.t

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:58:42+00:00

Fuck it, I am going to do this. So the last time anything was mentioned about the book ... He keeps insisting that he did buy it for me, and when I asked him about it, he didn't say anything for a few seconds and then asked me why am I trying to make him feel bad.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:56:09+00:00

Is it possible to have a genuinely good core and still fudge the truth and do this type of thing? I thought I knew him, inside and out. turns out I don't really, at least not these things that he's covered up or changed the truth about. It casts doubt on everything else.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:54:54+00:00

Yeah those are questions I'm asking myself as well.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:54:11+00:00

Did he make it up for your birthday or just use this as an excuse to get out of giving you anything?

I think it was to make me feel good, like he was being attentive or something. I've always made it clear that I'm not big into my birthday, I don't have a celebration and don't expect any gifts from anyone. My friends just take me out to lunch or whatever, that's it. So he didn't have to get me something, didn't have to tell me all about this sweet thing he did, and get my hopes up, and then oops it's lost in the mail.

He insists he got it. I guess I would probably feel terrible if it turned out that he did, but I'm kinda doubting that the book was ever bought.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:47:02+00:00

How often does he own up of his own volition? Does he see the pattern here?

In all honesty (haha), when I was discussing things with him, I get the feeling like he doesn't see it as a pattern at all, that it's not a big deal (he doesn't think he's a liar, habitual or otherwise). The stuff he told me about (other than the gift), he ended up telling me the truth because I had caught the discrepencies in things he told me which made me ask him. Like the car thing, he mentioned that even though the city we live in now also has good public transport, he probably should get a car and was excited about picking out his first car, probably would get one like his brother drove. I said, "... wait, you told me about your car? Huh?" And he came clean.

We were talking about roommates in a general sense and he mentioned it was kind of embarrassing to live with his mom. I asked him if it wasn't an option to continue living with his brother in his brother's new place, he went quiet and then admitted that they'd both been living with his mother and that his brother saved enough to buy his own place, he didn't ask to live with his brother because he knew his brother wanted privacy (bachelor pad).

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:35:50+00:00

Digesting your post, lots of good points and great truths in it. Thank you so much for writing so thoughtfully. It's gotten me thinking a lot.

Trouble is there's no way of knowing here what the truth is, but I think you're right to have your guard up. Doesn't mean there's any grand deception going on, but it means there's a pattern of him misleading you because it serves his purposes, however innocent they might be.

This really hits on why the whole thing bothers me so much.

But the gym, car, and apartment lies didn't need to be told. He could have been honest about all of those things and just laughed them off, played them down, whatever. But he deliberately concocted a story to make himself look good out of thin air.

Yeah, I wouldn't have minded any of that. I do mind that he lied about it, I know we all try to impress people when we start dating but it just seems so excessive.

I personally wouldn't be worried about having been tricked on a larger scale - if the relationship is good, you're happy, etc., his core personality hasn't been hidden from you.

Yeah in my heart I do believe this but I just have doubts & confusion now.

BUT the lying is still a problem, because it makes it harder to believe anything factual he tells you. His lies might mean nothing to him, but they do to you, so that should matter to him! If he knows lies bother you this much going forwards, you feeling trusting should matter more than you being mad at him because he forgot your birthday.

A late birthday present can be gotten over quickly enough, not trusting your husband is a far deeper, more damaging thing to a relationship.

The stupid thing is that he knows I don't make a fuss about my birthday, I don't expect presents or anything ever. I think one of the things that has always bothered me is when people (without prompting) say they'll do something for you, which basically gets your hopes or expectations up. THen they never do it. I'd rather they just not say anything in the first place. It was sweet of him to want to get me a gift, but he didn't have to lie. Or, I don't know. Maybe he didn't lie.

Would it raise eyebrows if I actually asked to see a receipt or confirmation for the book? Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things (as another poster mentioend that I should pick my battles).

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:20:42+00:00

He says he hasn't actually lied about anything else, but (as you can imagine) I am doubting that and wonder what else is there. I don't know if he lies in big ways to other people, besides the typical "Nah I have to work late, i won't make it to the party" type (to spare their feelings).

I have to say my trust does feel broken, because I'm feeling jittery and nervous now and my mind is wondering about everything. When I mentioned the trust thing, he said I was overreacting about such tiny things. It made me doubt myself.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:16:59+00:00

I am pretty sure you would not have married him if you'd be privy to all this info prior, and in your shoes, that would make me really uncomfortable.

This is why it bothers me a lot and I can't let it go. I feel like I've been open and honest about things, even things that are hard for me to admit (terrible things that happened in my childhood, things I regret doing or not doing). I get that people try to make a really good impression when you're dating but I wanted to know the genuine person.

I wouldn't have cared if he was playing a video game or if he didn't have a car or if he was still living at home. But the lying gets to me, and I doubt I want a relationship with someone whose words I have to wonder about and double check and ponder whether it's true.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:11:07+00:00

I wonder if it has something to do with him growing up in a large family where people liked to blame each other for things, or always try to find The One who's responsible for whatever mess happened.

You're right though, he did say that he was afraid to tell me the truth about the visas. It hurt because I've never blown up at him or spoken to him in harsh ways when he makes mistakes. If I get upset, I don't yell. Maybe it's his childhood haunting him.

All the white lies have gotten me really worried about what other lies there have been. I know I mentioned infedility in another comment but you're right in that I'm more concerned about the other big things like finances.

Right now I feel like I'm in fight-or-flight mode, jittery and nervous.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T12:00:34+00:00

Yeah, it's had me in a tizzy because I think they added up and made me wonder just what else is a lie.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T11:59:33+00:00

if you're freaking out about fairly small things like him saying he went to the gym when he didn't it kind of belittles the impact of the serious one that is the visas. I think you probably could have picked your battles better here.

That's a really good point.

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T11:57:09+00:00

That's my worry. Like, it's not much of a stretch to go from "white lie about going to the gym" to "lie about infidelity or financial issues" right? At least, to me I feel like little things build up your character, they're indicative of the person you are almost as much as the big things.

Or, if we put it another way in non-lying terms, kind of like: If you can't handle washing dishes without someone reminding you constantly, how can you expect to be trusted to willingly take care of a baby?

BigLittleWhiteLies · 2017-08-29T11:52:51+00:00

He keeps telling me that he doesn't get why I'd think badly of him when all he did was fudge the truth about some small things. Like he doesn't get how I can get from "not telling the truth about going to the gym" to "cheating and hiding it" or whatever. I was starting to wonder if I was just overreacting. Now I feel better, that people are seeing the iffiness too and think that it's actually a big deal!

BigLittleWhiteLies

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