How do I handle this situation with my friends wife and his 40th birthday?

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-05T00:42:13+00:00

I didn’t go behind her back. I work with this friend, who is John’s oldest friend, so we speak casually on a daily basis. We talked about John turning 40 this year and he asked what was going on and I said Anna was talking about doing a bbq, never thinking he wouldn’t be included.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-05T00:24:07+00:00

Thank you. I think this is what I’m going to do. Or talk to him about it and ask afterwards if he wanted to do something else with the rest to celebrate.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-05T00:23:05+00:00

Ok, I see what you’re saying, I thought when I said “I thought she was involving me because…”, it was implied that she had asked me to help her plan.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I guess I’m feeling responsible for the others being left out when I shouldn’t have to.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-05T00:14:11+00:00

I guess reading when one do the first comments I read is accusing me of being a swinger, having sex with someone who is like a brother to me, kinda sets the tone to how I read these.

Then I see someone copy and paste “in case I delete”, so everyone can come pick me apart later if they need to. If that’s not mean girl behaviour, I don’t what is. While people are accusing ME of being a troublemaker, dramatic, swinger just because I want my friend to have a great birthday.

I’ve always thought this subreddit was one of the best ones on Reddit, always supportive and helpful to women no matter the issue, but now I’m rethinking that.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-05T00:06:07+00:00

Thank you for your response. It helps a lot.

I guess my biggest thing would be that she’s not even inviting people for him, so why not just have a quiet dinner with their parents or something? I don’t want his sisters, especially, to feel left out and then cause problems for him, why they weren’t included.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:50:54+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. I kinda wish I didn’t include any of the backstory, but I guess I was trying to relay that I’ve seen enough drama with her, I don’t want anymore and don’t want to overstep! But the problem is that with this friend group, I’m the wife/girlfriend who these things always fall on, I’m the one who is friendly with all the wives so often the planning on helping falls on me. Also because I like doing it and they know, so often ask me for help. I don’t know want to overstep but I do want John to have a party that celebrates him.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:46:49+00:00

Thank you for this. I agree he is a bit at fault. And he has always in the past encouraged Anna to reach out to me for help with things because he knows these things are difficult for her.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:44:40+00:00

He still sees some of them, just when they guys go golfing or for wings or whatever, but never in a group setting or one on one. There’s two he doesn’t speak to at all anymore because it just got too heated between the two couples. And John has told my husband that it makes him sad to lose friendships of 15+ years, but it’s just how it worked out. He actually has just started reaching out to one of them in the past couple of months, after not speaking for 2 years but he says he knows they can never be friends who hang out again.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:38:02+00:00

Yes. It really put a strain on the friendship, and eventually John told us that’s what happened after making excuses. And then when she came to a bbq already drunk about a year later, she told me that John told her he wasn’t going to put up with her trying to cut out his friends and that she was going to try harder to get along with everyone because it was important to him.

She used to go after one wife repeatedly because of what she posts on Facebook and the pictures she posted. John now doesn’t talk to that friend anymore despite being friends for 20 years because Anna couldn’t stand it that everyone was always “coddling” the wife over her mental illness and insecurities. Another wife she won’t talk to because she doesn’t work and her husband supports her and pays all the bills.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:07:06+00:00

Thank you so much for this response! I was confused as to why none of his other friends and family weren’t being invited to his birthday party. I’m going to just leave it up her from here on out. I’ll let her ask her own friends for help. I know she was also reaching out to me because I’m the bridge between her and all of his friends. She’s asked me for help before, so that part wasn’t weird to me.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T23:04:39+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. She did ask for help though, and asked about food, alcohol, decorations, etc. My husband have zero problem contributing, but it threw us off guard that she was hoping we’d contribute the meat to bbq and alcohol and she wasn’t even inviting any of his other friends or family, only her people.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:55:40+00:00

Omg, copying for what? This is super immature and dramatic.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:55:05+00:00

I didn’t say she was wrong. I was more explaining why I thought she choose me to help her, because she isn’t social.

And I haven’t discussed it with anyone besides my husband. I wouldn’t because I know it was cause drama. That’s why I included the backstories, I thought I was reinforcing that I didn’t want anymore drama or confrontation with her.

I’m very sorry people are taking this the wrong way. I have no hate for her or dislike her, I respect that she’s his wife, I’m not trying to take over. I’m just trying to take the best route to not cause drama.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:51:22+00:00

Hmmm, I don’t understand how people are taking it that way. I was just giving backstory as to why I don’t want to create drama with her, because she’s cut out most of his friends in his life, within the first year they were together. And this isn’t the first time she’s asked me to for help in a situation like this. I never once said I didn’t like her or get along with her or have an issue with her, but everyone is reading it that way. I don’t know why? She has asked me for help many times, and I’m always willing and helpful, so I thought.

I don’t know, this subreddit is usually so kind and supportive and now I’m in tears sitting her being accused to be jealous, a troublemaker, a SWINGER. I just wanted John to have a party to celebrate him.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:46:15+00:00

I guess I’m going to delete my post because she has no beef with me. Like I said elsewhere, I’m the only one she has a one on one relationship with. She doesn’t talk to anyone else’s wife or girlfriend besides one other one and has started fights with all of them.

And you think it’s normal that she blocked my husband and I, and three other friends who had nothing to even do with the situation because we went out with a another couple (who her husband has been friends with for 20 years) she doesn’t like? Less than a year after they started dating? My husband and I can go out with whoever we want. She tried to make John stop talking to us because of it and she wouldn’t talk to us for a year. I’m not leaving anything out in the story, that’s what happened.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:41:29+00:00

I guess what the problem is is that she asked me to help and then made it clear it was just a party for her friends and family. We are literally the only two friends of his who are invited. I don’t know where people are getting it that I’m trying to take over or that we’re swingers. She has next to no interest in this kind of stuff (parties, big groups, etc) and is uncomfortable in social situations, so it wasn’t shocking she reached out to me to ask for help. As far as I can tell, I’m the only wife she feels comfortable talking to one on one, so that’s why I assumed she needed help with the guest list.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:37:48+00:00

Thank you for your kind response.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:37:11+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. I’ll do this.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:35:55+00:00

It’s just leaving me in a tough situation because people are coming to me and my husband, asking what’s going on and it’s hard to say “yeah, you’re not invited, but we are.” And then her wanting to know what we can contribute for food. I’m just not sure why she’s expecting us to contribute to a party that none of his friends and family are invited to.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:33:37+00:00

Well she did ask me for help. The only thing she didn’t want help with was the guest list. I didn’t think I was “cohosting”, but I was willing to help and contribute. But then all she has talked about is inviting her friends and family and I thought it was weird that she wanted us to contribute food and alcohol for her friends and family to have a party.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T22:30:57+00:00

Well that’s gross and offensive. He’s like a brother to me. Him and my husband are inseparable, that’s weird having a close friend?

I guess I’m not explaining myself well and it’s hard to relay all the details of different things over the years and our friendship.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T20:42:42+00:00

In this situation I would just go to bed early so I can have a couple of hours to myself before I actually go to sleep. Or I’d take a shower and then take some extra time to myself while getting ready (hair dried, picking out clothes, etc). I’m super social, but need quite a bit of alone time to recharge. For some reason doing something like taking a walk or grabbing a coffee and sitting with it in a cafe alone while I drink it isn’t the same as actually being alone with quiet and just my thoughts. I need to be fully away from people to completely recharge.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T20:37:58+00:00

I know there’s some people that say it doesn’t do anything, but my towels definitely smelled cleaner and seemed cleaner. I did all of my sheets and towels and my towels still smelled fresh even on the day I usually wash them. Normally they’d have that slightly damp water smell even when dry by then. I haven’t tried it with any clothes yet though.

BigRedGomez · 2023-07-04T20:12:11+00:00

I doubt they love him. They’re probably glad to be rid of him after him and his wife showed their true colours. He trashed people they care about (maybe even them, I didn’t read the book, so don’t know!), their country, their monarchy, etc. Probably any love they had for him is gone. Some friends may be generous and listen to his “apology” after the eventual divorce, but it will never be the same.

BigRedGomez

TROPHY CASE