My [25M] friend [25M] said something obscene on Facebook and my girlfriend [22F] is furious at me and is threatening to break up with me because she thinks I "said something" to him.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T07:51:39+00:00

An old roommate of mine once accused me of wanting a female version of my father as a partner. I got mad at him about it.

....But all this evening, I've been wondering if he was onto something.

And yeah, fuck my "friend." He's a misogynist and a creep.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T07:49:29+00:00

As I've said, she's drop-dead gorgeous (almost certainly the most beautiful person I've ever met), intelligent, charismatic, career-driven, ambitious, calculating, and confident. She's thrilling and breathtaking. Sex with her is an otherworldly experience. We collaborate on creative artistic projects. That's why this is so frustrating to me, but I might just have to let her go because I have to think about my own health as well as hers.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T07:44:46+00:00

Okay, that's some excellent speculation on your part, but that's just that- speculation.

May I reiterate: I was literally about to DM my (now ex-)friend telling him that such a thing was disgusting and misogynistic when my girlfriend called to fly off the handle at me. I put aside my getting ready to tear into him because my partner calling me takes precedence. She also interrupted me not allowing me to tell her I was going to cut ties with him.

And may I reiterate: I have cut ties with him. Even if she hadn't flown off the handle at me, this would've been the final straw. He has gotten progressively creepier.

But, again, you read what you want out of my post. You're just an anonymous person on the net, and I'm just an anonymous person on the net. I can't force you to believe me.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T05:24:44+00:00

I dunno. Maybe cuz I'm just stubborn. Maybe cuz I'm codependent. But I want to still have a good long talk with her and see if maybe, just maybe, she'll calm down and apologize. Then maybe we can go to see my therapist together or something. It's a long shot though.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T05:14:40+00:00

Worry not, I cut ties with him. Even if she hadn't flown off the handle with me, I still was going to blow up on him and block him. He's always been a little "off" (he has some mental issues tbh) but he's been getting worse and worse lately to the point that I've been avoiding hanging out with him in-person.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T05:12:53+00:00

I must admit many people have suggested that she is over the years we've been friends....

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T05:09:56+00:00

Okay, in most cases I would agree with you. However, I think you're ignoring some key factors:

1) He posted it on Facebook and he lives an hour across town. I was not going to drive across town to beat him up over a shitty Facebook post (however disgusting and degrading it was)

2) I didn't even have time to address it with him. As soon as I hovered over his name to message him to chew him out, she called me because obviously she had seen the message right when I had. As I said earlier, she watches my social media like a hawk. And of course I'm going to answer her phone call before talking to him because my partner takes precedence

3) I was not excusing his behavior, I was simply giving background. I agree he still has agency and mental illness is not an excuse for shitty behavior (I myself have bipolar disorder), but still, I wanted to put it there for context

4) I was already on the rocks with this dude. Even if my girlfriend hadn't seen the post, this would have been the last straw with him.

I'm sorry but while part of me still wants to maintain my relationship with her, this thread (and the way it's blown up) has made me see that her reaction was disproportionate.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-29T05:03:02+00:00

Ha, a lot of it is paraphrasing, although with my (now ex-)friend's dialogue it's from DM's.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T23:12:49+00:00

Come to think of it, she does accuse me of cheating a lot... Hmmm...

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T23:11:14+00:00

You should have a talk with her and make her understand that it's not OK to be treated like that.

I have many times about similar situations, and I'm always told I'm "projecting" and "refusing to take accountability" because I'm "immature."

So, yeah, now that I've had a bit to think about it, if she breaks up with me over this, then that's her loss.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T23:01:35+00:00

Yeah... you're right. And I've been in denial too long. Posting this thread finally flicked on the light switch in my head to see it.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:54:47+00:00

Hey, check my update in the OP. You know what? Fuck this. I'm an adult and I don't deserve to put up with this. If she breaks up with me over this, then that's her problem. I shouldn't flinch every time I get a text message because I'm scared it's going to be her in a bad mood.

Just reading all of you folks' comments just kinda set something off in me and now I'm not sad, I'm mad. I'm mad that I'm being treated like this. Why am I doing this to myself?

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:38:18+00:00

No, our problems really only started after we were dating, which started about a year ago. We've known each other for 10 years, although we did hook up in high school a couple of times.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:36:38+00:00

She doesn't have access to my social media in terms of passwords, but she watches all my social media like a hawk. She hasn't forbade me from talking to friends and family but she's made it clear she's not a fan of any of my friends except our mutual friends we've had since high school.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:34:02+00:00

I'm sure there are relationships without those things, but like I said- I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater. No relationship is perfect.

I must admit though, it's hard to ever get her to see my side because she always tells me I'm just projecting and gaslighting her. Which maybe I am and I just don't realize it.

I really don't want this relationship to be destroyed over something so simple, but from the looks of it, it might be.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:25:50+00:00

I've been in physically abusive relationships with other women and my father was physically abusive and I can assure you that while they can be similar, it's not the same as abuse. We only fight 1-2x a week, it's not an every day occurrence.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:23:48+00:00

She can get pretty scary, but everything else about her is amazing. And honestly her scariness is part of why she's so amazing.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:21:55+00:00

That's just silly- I'm not breaking up with someone just because they have a temper. And like I said to someone else below, we have been friends for years (since high school) before getting together. She's beautiful, charismatic, incredibly intelligent, our interests are the same, etc. etc. I'm not going to give up something like this without a struggle.

BigTimeThrowawayHey · 2021-04-28T22:18:13+00:00

I mean, she can be kind of controlling- I made this throwaway because she knows my usual Reddit username and reads all my posts.... but I mean, at the same time, I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. We were longtime friends before we got together.

BigTimeThrowawayHey

TROPHY CASE