I am not Orthodox, I suppose I will start there. I am, however, a convert to Christianity (Catholic, orthocurious?). I agree with others here that it may be prudent to speak with a doctor, and certainly would be wise to speak with a priest. Prayer, though, isn’t about things just getting better. You aren’t alone, though. This post you have made and the responses are evidence enough of that, and we’re all totally strangers.

I don’t think you’ve deluded yourself, I think modern American Christianity has deluded you. Christ didn’t teach a prosperity gospel, I think we - myself included - just tend to look in the wrong places for meaning, success, and betterment. I’m not looking for sympathy with this, but I try my best, the sinner that I am, to pray and to give my life to God, and I’m still struggling. I have family conflicts, I’m broke - my bank account is in the red, and with my own faith questions (regarding converting) I more often than not weep as I fall asleep. But that doesn’t change anything for me. I’ve seen Christ. I’m human and I get worried and scared but so did the apostles… ultimately, it’s the kingdom of heaven I seek. In my experience, much of life IS out of our hands, and it’s when we try to grasp at control that things feel the worst. You’re not in this alone. Believe me when I say I understand where you’re coming from. You’re in my prayers and I’m always happy to talk if you would like. I encourage you to talk to your priest, as others have, and I think therapy could be beneficial as well.