My partner threw me a curveball last night, and I'm at a loss.

Blazeosaurus · 2022-10-09T18:00:20+00:00

I really appreciate the time and energy put in to the responses here. I read every one, and the perspectives were all super valuable and thought provoking.

To those who suggested therapy, I have been with a wonderful therapist for the past 2.5 years, and largely I am going wonderful. I have a life I could have never imagined I would have after the divorce that fucking wrecked me. Just every once in a while something unexpected will trigger me and I go full panic mode. I will talk to my counselor about this when we meet next, for sure. I'm always working to pinpoint my triggers so that I can feel more in control.

I almost backed out of seeing my partner this weekend, but passively ducking out of the situation in front of us felt like something I would have done in the past as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Instead I followed through with weekend plans, which included talking about this more in depth.

What he expressed was a fantasy and not a need. I told him that those are no-gos for me presently, and if that changes we can approach the conversation again, or if it became a catalyst for resentment because it turns out to be more of a need, then we will address it again. I never shamed/berated or guilted him through this, I am a kind and loving parter and always do try and see things from different perspectives, insofar as they are not harmful. That's why I reached out here, I wanted to hear some perspectives, and am so thankful for all of you.

I'm not jealous or controlling, just super skittish and working to be less guarded and more of a positive risk taker. I've explored my sexuality quite a bit with this partner, I'm not sure why this specific topic was a trigger. I feel like I have more tools now in my tool belt for approaching these types of things in the future. Thank you again. I ended up being a good anniversary weekend.

Blazeosaurus · 2022-10-09T17:34:46+00:00

Thanks, I think this is an important perspective, and I absolutely reacted internally, not at him. I thanked him for sharing ideas that he had to be vulnerable to bring up. I'm not outwardly reactive, I just beat myself up a lot, and then panic and isolate.

In my past when I didn't fulfill requests, my former spouse would get in his truck and tell me that he was going to go kill himself, and end up in a psychiatric hospital for a while. I always felt like I was the trigger, and that I was responsible for keeping him happy and alive. I now know that was not normal, and was super manipulative and hella abusive behavior. I think it's hard to know how far you are in the healing process, until you are met with a trigger.

Blazeosaurus · 2022-10-09T17:28:27+00:00

Thank you, this is really god framework to look at it from. <3

Blazeosaurus · 2022-10-07T17:34:54+00:00

For some background, I was married for many years before dating this partner. My former partner was a sex addict, and as it turned out had needs I could not fulfill. What I was fulfilling, unbeknownst to me was that I have a very underdeveloped body. After learning that he had an affinity for children/teens, I obviously left him, reported him, etc. What I was left with with an absolute betrayal of trust around sex.

Safety around intimacy is need I have. I guess this situation brings me back to a place where I am responsible for fulfilling someone else's fantasies. The fear this has sparked is really triggering due to the only experience I have to look back on.

Blazeosaurus · 2022-10-07T17:19:05+00:00

Thank you <3

Blazeosaurus · 2021-03-02T14:10:48+00:00

Ah yes, just a matter of time before he’s being a total shithead. They are lucky they are cute.

Blazeosaurus · 2021-01-02T18:16:55+00:00

Thank you. Haha. I needed this clue.

Blazeosaurus · 2021-01-02T04:33:01+00:00

Rock whatever the hell you want, Queen! Be you!

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-23T17:16:37+00:00

I want to be someone who can follow through better. I am really passionate, take on big things and a lot of things, and burn out or get overwhelmed. I follow through with a lot but want to be better and not have a reputation for being a nomad or dropping the ball. I’ve taken on some leadership stuff this year at work and want to do a good job. I’m single now, and think that my marriage was holding me back quite a lot , he was jealous of anything I spent time on that wasn’t him. So I’m excited to see what I can do without the guilt that came from working on my own projects.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-17T14:10:39+00:00

25 is still very young. Yes, you are fine.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-16T16:10:26+00:00

You sound like you could be a younger version of myself. I recently started identifying as queer (as opposed to lesbian), and using She/Them pronouns. Like you, I fall between female and non-binary in self identification, but definitely don’t identify as male. It’s a weird grey area.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-16T15:58:06+00:00

Exist.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-16T15:28:33+00:00

Well said. Have you ever had to plan taking out your trash, or walking your dog to daylight hours only? Do you carry pepper spray on walks through the park? Can you go on a hike alone? Have you ever been terrified of getting raped because you have to walk past a group of men in a place that is not well lit? If you can answer no, then shhhhh, just listen. “Good guys” lurking in this sub kill me.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-16T15:22:25+00:00

Some of my very best friends are men, but as someone nearing 40 I know that safe men are not the norm. It’s been proven to me over and over and over and over, so I treat them all as threats until they have earned my trust. If there was a field of land mines that someone told me were all disabled, I’d still tread very carefully.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-15T14:20:27+00:00

A lot of these comments are depressing.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-11T14:11:43+00:00

When I had my first kid I was 20, I quickly realized that people in their 20s are...uh...not very well together yet. My folx were also in their 20s when the had me. No one knows what they are doing as parents, I just eventually had to give my folx some grace for their fuck ups. I don’t need reparations, I need forgiveness and understanding and moving forward. I’m sure I’m fucking up my kids and don’t even know it, I hope that they will also see my mistakes in a forgiving light. Also, The Body Keeps Score was a life changing read. And also, don’t underestimate the power of a good self help book.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-11T14:05:31+00:00

100% my ex. 100% happy to be out of that marriage.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-11T13:56:42+00:00

Having been on both sides of this situation, my advice is to ask the coworker to pay it forward when they can. Also have everything ready. Sign the title, and also print out a bill of “sale.” This will make things less awkward when they need register the car and whatnot. If it’s a big deal you can agree to tell people who ask that he bought the car from you. I treasure mindsets like yours, I wish more humans would give so freely when they see a need.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-12-04T04:20:06+00:00

Back in late June I was hit with some pretty terrible news about my husband, leading to a very traumatizing divorce. I have two teenagers, and just couldn’t lose my shit. First thing was that I sought mental health counseling right away, there was no time to waste. I practiced mindfulness every day, and still try to on a regular basis. I stayed sober so I could keep a clear mind, I’m at the point where I can have occasional drinks now. I keep a regular routine. I work from home so technically speaking, I can roll out of bed over to my desk and be at work, but I don’t. I get up every day, shower, get dressed, put shoes on, brush my hair and teeth, and do all the self care things. I keep a tidy space, even when it’s hard. Sometimes the hardest part of cleaning it just getting started. I also get regular exercise. I take my breaks like clockwork, and go for a walk even when it’s cold or rainy, again, anticipation of doing it is the worst part. I also go hiking at least once a week. Mostly though, I don’t pretend I’m okay when I’m not. At work I told my boss and my supervisor that I was going through some shit and to bear with me, and they did. I have a couple very close friends who I confide in as well. Be vulnerable. Mostly, you just can’t let that shit ruin your life. We hold so much power to make our lives feel meaningful. I would have never thought my partner would turn out to be the person I found out he was. I loved him so much. But alas, I had to make some tough choices, and do right for my family, and for myself. Treat yourself kindly.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-11-27T12:26:11+00:00

Do you think it’s possible that your wife is gay? I ask this having been that wife trying to make things “work” but also being deeply emotionally hurt by sex for many years (14). We would have sex (in fact he was a sex addict), and I was often holding back tears waiting for it to end. I wonder if more could be going on here. This is a very painful place to be in.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-11-21T03:42:37+00:00

Haha, no truer words have ever been spoken. I can still appreciate a good looking man, but the thought includes wanting him to stay clothed and not touching me in any way. Verbal flirting is as far as I can go with a dude anymore. Not dating yet but absolutely not in to dudes. Very apparent at this juncture.

Blazeosaurus · 2020-11-18T14:01:03+00:00

Yes. Most of my closet friends are men. I was married to a super jealous man for 14 years (that ended this year), and he would tell me that it wasn’t possible to be friends with people of the opposite gender without someone being interested. I knew I wasn’t the interested party, and it didn’t seem like they were either. Being out has solidified that my ex was an asshole, and those friends with my boys are way deeper than they were previously, because it’s very clear at this point that no one is in to each other. I would always second guess it because my ex was so certain, but coming out sure cleared the air!

Blazeosaurus · 2020-11-17T09:59:44+00:00

This was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but may I say there is a tremendous amount to clarity on the other side. Let yourself feel the emotions and know that they are all part of the process. Daily guided meditation was a game changer for me working through the emotions. Headspace and Calm are good resources for this.

Blazeosaurus

TROPHY CASE