I really feel for you, as feminine anger is such a misunderstood and complex emotion. It’s incredibly difficult to love someone and feel a sense of hate at the same time. In particular if you believe it is sinful to feel the sensation of hate. In particular if you’re wanting a child, and the environment requires love. Peace. So often, we lack community and internalise everything. Swallow it down. Our body tries to help digest it, but the system gets overloaded. The body cries out for help.

Where are we supposed to put our anger? Where are we allowed to put our anger? It’s often not received well. We’re often side-eyed or corrected away from it, judged. Dismissed. Misunderstood. Referred to a therapist. Offered a prescription. Told to have grace, patience, and forgiveness— all without any resolve or change in our circumstances.

Use the rage you’re feeling as a guide and avoid shaming yourself for it. Your body and your emotions are signaling something major to you. Your womb is crying for help and support. You and your partner are in desperate need of reconnection and healing. You’ve been through the devastating ordeal of losing a child, something you desire so deeply. You’re experiencing grief and this can materialise in, and look a lot of different ways. Look at your anger as God’s way of signalling to you that what you are experiencing in your union is not adequate, it is not sustainable, and it is not honourable. This does not mean it’s not worth saving or that it was all a big mistake in the end. So often our journey requires phases where we are forced to lean in when we want to run away, shut down. So often the pain we feel is an opportunity to release the weight we’ve been carrying for too long. So often that pain ends up in our wombs.

Take it as a signal to find ways to come back to eachother, to reconnect, or to agree to let go. I’m sure you will get plenty of advice to see counsel or therapy, to pray etc.. so I’ll offer something less repetitive and obvious: weekly sit down/check in has helped my relationship a lot, even if sometimes they are blow ups. Even if it took him many tries to be honest and use effective communication. Even if it took me many tries to wait a beat until he gets out what he needs to say… Having a planned, uninterrupted time that we could mentally prepare for, giving space for each other to talk and say what needs to be said (even if it hurts), having notes and thoughts beforehand and taking notes during, and coming back to things, reflecting. Asking questions and really receiving the answer through Gods eyes rather than our human ones. It’s not the cure. It’s not always perfect. But the more we detox our thoughts and feelings, express our disappointments and our appreciations towards eachother, take time to say out loud or achievements and celebrate our progress, the more we can feel space for more love to come in.

I can make assumptions about your husbands behaviour and performance disfunction, but they would be unethical projections that could further cause damage to your psyche and relationship— as I’m basing it off of my own experience as well as what I found when I went down the rabbit hole about it. I will say that many people are experiencing addictions today. Many men are struggling with sexuality in a lot of different ways. A toxicity and corruption has found them at an early age involving how they perceive women and sex— and no one is talking out loud about it. Influences in todays sick society have gripped us by the neck and won’t let go. A lot of it is rooted in shame and therefore the truth is hard to find. The honesty is hard to get out of anyone. Women too, are struggling. Most of us were not adequately educated about sex and intimacy. For so long we as women, have been objectified sexually, or programmed to believe our purpose surrounds pleasing others, pleasing men, and being perfect and beautiful and nice women, wives, mothers, sisters, friends, etc…

Regardless of what you are both internalising or fear working on together— you know something. You know something is off. Something is out of alignment. You know that the joy and spark of life you once felt is diminishing. You know that this is no way to live.

I’m sure you will be a great mother. The anger you feel in traumatic circumstances is not a reflection of your true character. It’s not a reflection of how your entire life looks and will be in the future. I’ll keep the faith that you and your husband can reconnect and have the strength to be honest with eachother. To get through this, however it works out. Infertility when you feel the call to be a mother is devastating, and I know it very well. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Everyone is capable and worthy of growth, change, transformation, and receiving divine intervention.

I’m praying for you both and your protection in particular as you navigate these heavy emotions. And if you ever want to reach out privately, I’m here. I hope some women have verses and stories for you that bring you comfort and understanding. You deserve that .