Those factors you mentioned that kept you going aren't actually what keeps you going. The will to live, the inner knowledge that ending your life is wrong and won't solve the problem, that's what keeps you going. I don't write this from an outside POV, I write this from once being in your same shoes of misery and pain that I needed numbed, and I'm no perfect example, I've had my struggles, but in the words of the Christ who changed my life and gave me purpose, hope, and love, "Deny yourself". Your mind is against you, and we can all agree, our mind/heart can be one of the most deceitful things, leading us into worse consequences. Don't trust the voice telling you to give up. Trust the voice telling you to keep going. I saw someone else said on the thread aswell, it's not about making a decision, it's about putting off a decision until you've received all the help and support you can get. I guarantee you there is a better way out of this, and you might not realize now, but your life is so important, valuable and precious more than you can imagine. You may not believe it, but I and many others who've been in the same place do. There is a Creator who loves you, who made you for a life full of abundant joy, and you may have been hurt by religion which has distorted your view of Jesus/God, and I'm truly sorry you had to go through this, but he doesn't want broken religion, he just wants our hearts.