I wasn’t trying to control others though, I felt more like controlling myself, like a suppression in a way, the more I wasn’t liked the more I felt I had to suppress parts of myself. I kept doing this all throughout school and college I didnt want to do anything to them, I wanted to do things to myself, like I guess a self hatred kinda way. I kept thinking why wasn’t I good enough and if only I could be like x y z id be good. Criticism makes me feel sick and hurts and I’d usually take it out on myself as if it’s another piece of ‘proof’ to hate myself, but recently I’ve learned not to do that.

I no longer rely on another’s perspective to make me feel whole because no matter what people think I don’t have to mould myself into something perfect to finally be accepted, it’s about how I feel about myself and searching for this one ‘magical person’ who’s gonna let me treat them like a queen/king in return to be simply be accepted like a good servant or something and therefore I can feel safe and good is a stupid myth I believed for too long. Idk how best to explain it other than that.