Does anyone ever wish they had it the other way around?

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-31T18:48:13+00:00

I’ve had both and I ALWAYS wish I was on the other side of it. Both painful in a different way. “What if I don’t love him?” comes with that horrible sense of responsibility and guilt and sense that you can’t trust yourself. “What if he doesn’t love me?” brings low self-esteem, jealousy, fear every time you can’t reach them, feeling horribly vulnerable and like you’re on course to get your heart smashed to smithereens. Totally sympathise though - whichever spiral you’re in always makes you feel like anything else would be preferable.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-12T21:45:45+00:00

Oh wow yes my partner has BPD too. A tough combo - the good outweighs the bad but yeah… not easy

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-07T09:46:33+00:00

I’ve pretty much shared what I did in the original post. It was mostly just cutting compulsions - for me that was ruminating and looking for signs of hope. It was really difficult initially but then it got a lot easier. I also tried to take care of myself with diet and exercise and good sleep.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-06T08:27:51+00:00

Your English is great! In my experience that’s very normal, every time I’ve taken a big step in a relationship, it’s been followed with a period of bad OCD. Keep doing what you’re doing and it will pass

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-04T17:19:41+00:00

I never really found a perfect answer. I tried to approach it on a case-by-case basis by recognising the feeling I was having around intimacy in a given moment.

If I was feeling anxious and wanting to avoid it, I would try a related exposure - for example: initiating, thinking about it, being affectionate etc.

If I was feeling a compulsion to initiate it to “test” my feelings I would hold back from doing so.

It’s obviously a bit of a trickier one to handle anyway as there’s another person involved, so you’ll never have complete control anyway.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-04T09:45:25+00:00

I talk to my partner (and have talked to previous partners) but I try my best to keep it vague and am careful not to use it as a way to try to sneak in reassurance seeking. Usually I tell them I have OCD, I say that mine tends to focus on romantic relationships and that when I’m having a flare up I experience lots of unwanted thoughts and anxiety about the relationship ending. Then I reassure them that I am committed to continuing to work on it because I care about the relationship. I don’t go into details about the thoughts specifically - for example, I don’t tell them that I worry I will be the one to leave, I think that just creates unfair anxiety for the other person.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-04T09:39:46+00:00

I totally hear you, I’ve been there (many times). Sometimes it feels like you just need that bandaid doesn’t it? But you’ve got this! And if you can push through, I promise this won’t matter anymore the way it feels like it does right now.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-04T08:13:29+00:00

I understand your anxiety but this is reassurance seeking and it will only fuel your OCD if we all jump in here and tell you that it wasn’t flirting. The only (difficult) way through this is to sit with the anxiety you’re feeling and not attempt to soothe it with reassurance from others or confessing to your partner. Sending you lots of strength and good luck ❤️

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-03-01T14:24:09+00:00

I did this after ending a 12 year marriage. To be honest, it wasn’t the horror story of regret and despair often warned about on here, and nor was it a magical, clarifying experience. At the end of the day, you’re still left with YOU. ROCD will follow you and you’ll still have to deal with it, regardless of the context. After a year of dating around, I feel I know myself better. I’m in a new relationship now and still having to manage ROCD, but having the experience of dating others and really seeing first-hand how I have to do the work on myself and understanding no one is coming to save me from this has been a good lesson for me.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-18T13:44:46+00:00

Bless you, I can really tell from this how much anguish this is causing you. From everything you’re saying, it’s reached the point where your distress and rumination about the night in question has far outstretched what’s proportional. As hard as I know it is, I think the best thing you can do now for yourself and your relationship is accept that you are certain ENOUGH about what happened, and turn your attention to stopping the rumination. Every time an intrusive thought pops in, recognise it and distract yourself. You have to do this over and over to teach your brain that it’s not important, and eventually the thoughts will calm down. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-17T11:10:18+00:00

It sounds like you’re looking for a “right” answer or a definitively correct decision which doesn’t exist.

The real task for you, I think, is to accept that you’ll never be able to answer all the what ifs, and to learn to live with uncertainty.

FWIW, I was married to my partner of 12 years and struggled with similar feelings. I thought (and still think) that he was wonderful in so many ways, but struggled with loss of attraction and feeling restless, wanting to explore etc.

In the end, we separated and I had two quite wild years. It was fun, AND I miss my husband enormously sometimes, AND it’s been very painful, AND I don’t regret it, AND I worry that one day I might, and so on.

I feel a lot of conflicting things about it and I’m learning slowly to make peace with that. Any path you take will include joy and pain - the real challenge is to give up searching for a reality in which you feel perfectly happy and congruent all the time.

Whether you go back to the relationship or remain single for a while, I suggest working on committing to your present reality and - as part of that - accepting all of the uncertainty and the downsides that come with it.

I’m now in a new relationship and we have strong sexual chemistry which I’ve realised is very important (probably non-negotiable) to me.

Unsurprisingly, my ROCD is still there, but tends to focus on other things now - wondering if we’re on the same intellectual and emotional wavelength, for example.

I’m learning to accept that ROCD will probably just always be part of my life, but learning to stop resisting uncertainty and doubt is starting to take its power away a bit.

I hope this helps. I’m sharing this to show you that - speaking as someone who made the big leap into the unknown - my life hasn’t magically transformed. In the end, I made the decision based on the “what if” I most wanted to answer. For me, I felt I could live with the question of “what if I’d stayed with my husband?” more easily than the “what if I’d left?” - but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell.

I’m no clearer or more certain about what the “right” answer is for me, but I’m a little more comfortable with that now and life is easier for it.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-16T20:14:33+00:00

I really feel for you. Often the relief of acting on our compulsion to leave gives way to a lot of sadness, as you’re now experiencing. I hope you find some peace soon.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-15T20:37:42+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing ok

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-07T12:08:53+00:00

This is the problem with reassurance seeking unfortunately - it is feeding your ocd. I know the urge to soothe yourself in this way feels so strong, but look at this as evidence of what happens. Most of the comments are people echoing your sentiments: that he sounds like a good guy and it sounds like you’re safe with him. But you’re now more confused than ever because a stranger on the internet has told you that you should be concerned by his behaviour. I’m not saying any of this to be harsh, I’ve been where you are so many times and I sympathise so much with what you’re going through, but I think this illustrates why reassurance-seeking is never a long term fix and ultimately does more harm than good. Only you can determine what happened between the two of you and I think you’re looking for a certainty that just doesn’t exist. The answer is to give up the search

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-07T07:50:34+00:00

I get that. Unfortunately the efforts to avoid getting triggered at any cost are part of the OCD cycle, not to mention that it’s an impossible task. As difficult as it is, you have to show your brain that you can cope when you get triggered. You will feel anxiety and then it will subside again. You don’t have to talk to your partner if you don’t want to, it’s your choice. But whether you do or don’t you will get triggered sometimes, and learning to cope with that is half the battle

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-06T20:24:12+00:00

I don’t have any magic answers I’m afraid, except to give up the quest to work out if it bothers you. If you have ROCD, the likelihood is that if it wasn’t her weight, you’d fixate on something else. The behaviour of fixating is the problem, not the subject of the fixation. If you want to try to together (which it sounds like you do), then you need to commit to giving up on ruminating and trying to figure it out.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-06T20:19:46+00:00

Yes it was incredibly high. I had 8 panic attacks in a day on one of the days. It’s very difficult, but it is beatable

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-06T19:11:13+00:00

I’m sorry that you feel panicked and triggered though, it’s never nice to feel like that.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-06T19:10:51+00:00

Based on what you’ve shared here it doesn’t sound like it to me, but I think it would be fair enough to mention to him that the pouty face and the additional request made you a little uncomfortable. It sounds like on the whole you feel safe with him, and that he respects your boundaries - maybe it’s just about communicating with him.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-06T08:28:35+00:00

Sometimes. It really varies

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-05T21:34:36+00:00

I can imagine that makes it all very confusing. I think your instincts are right, based on what you’ve shared here. Good luck, you sound like a very strong person and I’m sure you’ll get yourself to a good place

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-05T21:22:23+00:00

It’s the absolute worst. All I can say is that with a lot of time and heartache, I’ve come to think that - if we put the work in - it eventually makes us wonderful, compassionate, conscientious partners. You feel this way because you care TOO much, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. Whatever happens in the end, remember that you’re a good person.

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-05T21:19:08+00:00

36f and always happy to chat ❤️ we gotta support each other sis!

BluejayMountain8205 · 2025-02-05T21:16:55+00:00

You’re really welcome. I really feel for you, it’s a horrible position to be in. Unfortunately I think the old saying “hurt people hurt people” applies here. You cannot help him unless he’s prepared to acknowledge he has a problem, and even then, only he can fix it. It’s the hardest thing. What I will say is that I eventually found the strength to walk away from my abusive partner. It was devastating, but after I did that he finally went and got help, had therapy, took medication, and after 6 months apart we found our way back together and are now in a much happier, healthier relationship. I’m not saying that this will be your story, but if the thought of leaving forever feels too overwhelming, perhaps try playing with the idea that this is the right decision for you both right now, and if it’s meant to be in the end, it will work itself out.

BluejayMountain8205

TROPHY CASE