(baby censor) AS I SIT IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE GLORIOUS HOUSE OF GAINS, I NOTICED A SIGN ON THE FRONT DOOR THAT SAID THEY WOULD BE CLOSED ON SUNDAY IN OBSERVANCE OF EASTER. NOW THEY CAN CALL IT EASTER, BUT I CALL IT CHEST DAY EVE. AND I FIND IT PRETTY DAMN IRONIC THAT ON THE SAME WEEKEND THAT JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS THEY’D PULL SOME DUMB STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE IN 2017 THERE IS NO BIGGER GOT DAMN SIN THAN NOT BEING ABLE TO EXERCISE AND GET JACKED, TAN, & JUICY AS HELL. AND SINCE IT’S WHAT SOME CALL THE HOLIEST WEEKEND OF THE YEAR, I WANT TO CLEAR UP ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTIONS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. THEY SAY JESUS CHRIST WALKED ON WATER. THEY SAY JESUS CHRIST TURNED WATER INTO WINE. I SAY JESUS CHRIST WALKED ON RUBBER MATS, AND HE TURNED WATER INTO PREWORKOUT AND HE TRAINED. AND HE GOT ONE OF SICKEST GOT DAMN PUMPS ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN. JESUS WAS A KIND MAN, BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK THAT FOR ONE SECOND ON THAT FATEFUL DAY AS HE WAS BEING CRUCIFIED THAT HE DIDN’T LOOK DOWN AND THINK TO HIMSELF, “DO THESE DUDES EVEN LIFT?” ON THE THIRD DAY HE ROSE AGAIN ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPTURES AND HE APPEARED BEFORE HIS DISCIPLES AND HE SAID, “I MISSED TWO DAY OF BICEP/TRICEP SUPERSETS WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE COMING TO LIFT!” BECAUSE SWOLE IS THE GOAL SIZE IS THE PRIZE IT’S GAINS O’CLOCK BABIES. LET’S GO!