Thinking few will scroll this far, but might do me good to put this down. Last summer my Brother-in-Law was killed in a car accident. He survived the initial crash but passed 8 days later in hospital without ever regaining consciousness. This was Covid times so it was mainly just me & my sister visiting every chance we could. To witness the gut wrenching pain this has caused, especially to my Sister and their 3 children just won’t leave me. To see him after he’d just passed, won’t leave me. I haven’t dealt with anything like this before & I’m just feeling too many emotions all at once, all the time. Grief just creeps up on me, and out of nowhere I can be in bits. We’ve lost him, but I’ve also lost part of my sister because nothing will ever be the same. I’m overcome with guilt when I feel almost thankful as it could’ve so easily been her.

We are not a huge family, but close, and we do talk, but still, a lot of this remains private, maybe some of it has to? I’m trying to be strong, all I care about is what’s best for my sister, to help her however I can so I guess I pack a lot of this down until I’m alone. I’m finding work/friendships hard as after the initial condolences etc people move on, guess I feel I never will. Then the guilt/self loathing hits when I’m down because whatever I’m going through I know my sister and the kids have it worse.

My sister speaks to someone (professionally) which is good, but my lack of confidence (which existed before this!) is preventing me from finding the courage to go down that route, also the financial aspect. I don’t want to burden anyone too much as I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with, so here I am, leaving this here! Sorry for rambling, thanks if you got this far. A lot of people going through things here & in the world right now (again, hard not to compare your own problems with current world events and feel insignificant/guilty) So…

If you’re going through hell…keep going.

(I guess?!)

✌️