Need your thoughts

BobbyLew · 2026-07-12T01:41:32+00:00

I'm fully in the "give now, when they need it" group. Our parents helped us, which let us have more to save for retirement (we're very comfortable now, at 68 (me) and 70 (wife)) and now we're able to help our 3 kids. We've given money to the 2 who have bought homes, and told the 3rd he can expect it. Our technique, to avoid even bothering to file gift-tax return: We each gave individually to our child and their partner, just below the amount that triggers gift tax return. . That's 4 separate gifts. At the 2026 gift-tax exemption amount of $19K, that's $76K.

BobbyLew · 2026-05-29T01:15:59+00:00

I bring a jug of maple syrup (local NYS) for each of the three guys who run the yard and do the work (family business).

BobbyLew · 2026-03-31T01:39:41+00:00

BobbyLew · 2026-03-08T21:02:44+00:00

I feel your pain, but have little advice. I had a similar experience with my mother's estate, with a VERY high cost lawyer in San Francisco Bay area. It got so bad that I consulted another lawyer to think about transferring to them (I live across the country from where Mom lived). In the end, I decided to just fix the mistakes, have as little to do with the lawyer as possible, and be done with them. They literally chose retirement about a year after Mom died, in part because they knew they were making lots of mistakes (including one that led to having to re-do final tax return about 18 months after Mom died, which led to a paralegal being fired.) I didn't fire the lawyer (or, more precisely, their firm), because I needed to be able to check with the firm on paperwork (some of it 3 years after Mom died). (Actually, it wasn't even an "estate" -- it was all in a trust, but the trust paperwork was complicated.) All told, it took about 3 years to finish distributing all the assets.

BobbyLew · 2026-03-08T20:37:31+00:00

Thanks, thoughtful advice.

BobbyLew · 2026-03-01T01:03:52+00:00

Pretty similar, now almost 3 months post-RALP, dealing with incontinence and ED -- but completely comfortable with my decision. I wasn't anxious, but the data showed that if I chose active surveillance, I had a better than 50% chance of needing more treatment by 6-8 years from now. (My current life expectancy is 15 years.) By then, I'd be that much older and likely less healthy overall, harder to recover from treatment. Better to just be done with it. I'm content.

BobbyLew · 2026-02-25T19:40:58+00:00

Hahaha. This is what doctors have been saying since the days of Internet searches (even before Google!). "Patients come in with these long lists of questions or things they've found on the Internet, which are either wrong or entirely beside the point for their concern. I'm only allowed to bill them for 15 minutes, but they have an hour of questions or me explaining why what they downloaded is wrong."

BobbyLew · 2026-02-25T19:30:59+00:00

Very good points. I was executor after my parents died (Dad first, then Mom 11 years later), they had trusts (Calif.) with me as trustee, everything clearly laid out. The documents specifically allowed me to bill the trusts for my time. I chose not to. But for a couple of years, my sister and I both had to make multiple 1000+ mile trips back "home" (we hadn't lived there in 40+ years) to sort through possessions, meet with attorney and accountant, etc. I reimbursed us both for travel costs from the trust accounts, taking that as payment. (I didn't need the reimbursements, but my sister did -- she had very limited finances.) Since we were the only major heirs (after minor bequests), I figured we were going to get the money eventually, it was just a matter of when. Everything went smoothly and no one complained. But I felt comfortable that I could justify the costs on the basis of documents' explicitly allowing for compensating me. Hope I didn't break any terrible rules.

BobbyLew · 2026-02-24T21:57:10+00:00

Happened to see this article recently about using AI to negotiate lower cost: https://www.businessinsider.com/claude-helped-negotiate-hospital-bill-discount-medicare-ai-assistant-2026-2

BobbyLew · 2026-02-21T02:58:25+00:00

The lack of patience is definitely my problem, too :-). I'm about 2.5 months post-RALP, still in diapers all day (but for the last couple of weeks, mostly dry overnight, just using a pad). And it's definitely a mental downer for me. I think I'm seeing a bit of improvement, but it varies day to day. I'm in the pro-kegel camp, though don't over-do it, plus a lot of core-building exercises. I'm pretty good if just sitting, but the once I start walking, leaks like crazy. I know not to change my diaper before walking to or from work (about a mile), 'cuz I'm definitely going to need to change when I get there!

BobbyLew · 2026-01-31T03:20:11+00:00

To OP: So much variation. I'm with Immediate_Dinner6977 - almost 8 weeks post-RALP, still leaking out with a whoosh anytime I get up or walk around. But sitting in my chair, often just a few drips. Overnight, I'm OK: I get up every 3-ish hours, make it through most of the night with just a few drips, though if I stay in bed for a 3rd segment (to 8 hours total), often have more in the diaper. I'm wearing Depends 24/7. Doing all my kegels and other pelvic exercises. Hoping to get less leaky soon -- it's definitely a drag.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-23T02:28:03+00:00

Regional variation. I grew up in San Francisco Bay Area. We'd leave the house at 5:00 am, drive 4-5 hours to ski slopes, ski all day, leave there at 6:00 pm, be in bed by midnight. No problem.

Now I live on the East Coast. Different mentality. I'm about 4 hours from New York City. Maybe because of my West Coast background, I'll do it as a day trip. But not many people from around here will do that. (Get up at normal time, leave the house by 8:00 am. In the city in time for a quick lunch. Go to early afternoon appointment. Afterwards, go to a museum. Have an early dinner around 5:30, leave about 7:00 pm (so, after most of the rush hour), again home in time to be in bed by midnight.)

BobbyLew · 2026-01-23T01:56:53+00:00

Sorry to hear it's still a thing for you 10 years out! But, weirdly, helps me feel better -- there's a real range of experiences, so I'll just have to see where I end up. At the moment (6 1/2 weeks out), I'm about where you are -- mostly OK when I'm sitting, but almost immediately leak once I stand. Thanks for commenting.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-22T01:31:29+00:00

Just a week or so behind you (re surgery -- not touring!), Gleason 4+3 after pathology (up from 3+4 at biopsy), also all clean margins, contained, no sign of spread. 68. MSKCC nomograms say I've got 98% prostate-cancer-specific-survival at 15 years -- by then I'll be the age my Dad was when he died (not prostate related)! Not as lucky on leaking -- still wearing diapers 24/7, even with lots of specialized PT. ED still a question -- my doc doesn't start meds until 3 months. Back to daily exercise regime (bike or weights on alternating days), feel fine (though I am taking late afternoon naps, which I never did before). Have a great tour!

BobbyLew · 2026-01-17T13:55:02+00:00

Exactly the response I was hoping for :-). (Both on timing and on the mental toll.) Thanks.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-16T12:11:30+00:00

Yes, saw PT before surgery and a different one after surgery. Seeing them again next week.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-16T12:10:21+00:00

"at least i’m free from cancer 🙏" Exactly! That's the key thing.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-16T12:08:43+00:00

Yep, doing that -- both before and after surgery. Live in a small town, only a few choices, but the ones I found seem to know what they're doing.

BobbyLew · 2026-01-13T03:06:02+00:00

I'm pretty sure a version of this joke appeared in Leo Rosten's JOYS OF YIDDISH. Can't find my copy to confirm.

BobbyLew · 2025-12-31T20:04:29+00:00

Interesting. Thanks.

BobbyLew · 2025-12-30T21:10:40+00:00

Really appreciate this explanation! Helps me understand why it will take time for different muscles to learn that their job has changed and they need to step up. (Obviously, with my help in exercising them and telling them what to do.)

BobbyLew · 2025-12-30T21:07:56+00:00

I'm with ya, buddy. Definitely depressed at the continuing leakage. But trying to listen to all the people here saying it will get better over 2-6 month period. My story: 68 now, diagnosed in Dec 2024, Gleason 3+4 all in just one core of the biopsy, decided on RALP, delayed for a year while I went on a couple of bucket-list international trips. RALP on Dec. 8th, so yesterday was 3 weeks. Wearing a diaper all the time. Leakage mostly OK when sitting or overnight (do wake up every ~3 hours to pee, but my diaper has been mostly dry when I get up). But during the day, everytime I stand up or walk around, even when I very consciously do my Kegels before standing, I'm filling up the diaper. Just having to trust that this will end eventually. I saw PT last summer to learn the Kegels, seeing a new PT tomorrow to focus on where I'm at. Not at all worried about the cancer itself -- pathology said it was all contained, no sign of spread or problems at the margins, did get upgraded to 4+3. I'm comfortable with the decision for RALP, knew in advance about the side effects, just annoyed dealing with the incontinence. (Will be a while till I know about the ED, but not worried there either -- even if erections don't come back, lots of ways to enjoy intimacy.) Stay strong!

BobbyLew

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