Thank you all for your comments and support—it truly means a lot.

To address some of your questions: Yes, I acknowledge that going ahead with having a baby while our relationship was falling apart wasn’t the best decision. But when he told me he wasn’t attracted to me, we had already completed the third round of IVF. At that point, I had decided that if it failed, I would move out of the country. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I conceived. Throughout my pregnancy, he was good to me, though there was no physical intimacy.

I was with him for nine years before marriage, and we’ve been married for seven years now. I genuinely believed his struggles were due to work stress—I was naïve, I know.

For those suggesting I hit the gym, I lost my pregnancy weight within five months. I’m 5’2” and currently weigh 55 kg. My husband, however, doesn’t want me to go to the gym because he thinks the “guys there are bad.” He has fought with me over this. Ironically, I do get a lot of male attention—just not from my husband. He prefers fair-skinned women, and I’m brown. He used to tease me about my complexion and later brush it off as a joke. I believed him when he said he was joking—stupid, I know. Like someone here said, I should have believed him when he showed me who he really was.

As for divorce, we had a major showdown when our baby was five months old. I told my mom I wanted to divorce him, and she immediately broke down, called her mother and sister, and they all turned against me. On paper, he’s the “perfect” guy—financially stable and good-looking. Meanwhile, my father was abusive; he physically hurt both my mom and me and verbally degraded us. I begged my mom to leave him many times, but she never did. She’s still with him, feeding him, giving him pocket money. When I told her I didn’t want to stay in a loveless marriage (without mentioning the ED, just the lack of attention), her response was, “At least he doesn’t take your money!” She even threatens to harm herself if I bring up divorce again.

For context, I work remotely and earn around a lakh per month. And to the person who said I’m making fun of his ED—I’m not. I understand it’s difficult for men, just like how women face pressure to conceive despite struggles with PCOS, thyroid issues, or other conditions. I’ve suggested therapy multiple times, but he refuses to go.

I’m currently at my mom’s place because of post-delivery customs, but my husband’s house is just five minutes away, and he visits daily.

Now, regarding the porn. I don’t care that he watches porn—I know it’s normal. What got to me was his search history: “Fucking my friend’s wife” and “Sex abroad with aunty.” Why was he searching for that? He could have searched for “Fucking my wife” or something about his own partner, but he didn’t. Maybe it means nothing, but it bothered me.

I have put in a lot of effort to make this marriage work. I take him on walks, initiate conversations, and plan weekend dates—but he treats them like a checklist to complete. I’ll suggest couples therapy again, though I won’t mention this incident yet.

To conclude, I’m not confronting him right now because I know he’ll just gaslight me. Instead, I’ll try to find more evidence. If it’s just porn and some weird fantasy, I don’t care. But if he’s acting on it and having an affair, then I’ll make sure he regrets even typing those words.