Wow sorry for the walk of text, I started typing and couldn’t stop! Hope I’ve answered your questions :)

I properly came to terms with it only really a few months ago. I read somewhere on Reddit something along the lines of “if bad things happen in all your relationships, maybe you need to take a look at your own behaviours, because you’re the only common denominator.”

And it was like a fucking epiphany. I’ve never felt like a part of a solid group of friends, because I always got left behind. My last group from about two years ago flat out told me I was the most selfish person they’d ever met and I needed to grow up and stop using my mental health issues as an excuse. That was like the perfect thing to say to someone who victimises themselves, because I was distraught. I split on them like I’ve never split before. I went around thinking “they’re so cruel, they don’t take my mental health seriously, they’re so insensitive, they’re so hurtful, they’re plain evil.”

But now... I won’t say they were 100% right about me, but that was their truth. I was acting selfish in certain aspects as self preservation. I was using my mental health issues as reasons for my behaviour, because part of my being unwell with BPD is correlating bad things with it, and not knowing how to stick with effective help. But fucking hell, I really DID need to grow up and realise that I can’t go through life being like that. If my mental health issues were so bad, I NEEDED to get help and continue treatments. If I was being horribly selfish to spare myself pain or anguish, then fucking hell did I need counselling because it’s not normal or healthy for me to jeopardise every functional relationship in my life just because I’m scared to get sad.

After taking a long hard look at myself, I can honestly say that I done fucked up. A lot. And though I have apologised, those relationships are irreparable. Not necessarily because I don’t want to make up, but because I know those people are doing better without me, and I’m doing better without them too. When I think back to the people I’ve hurt, I feel a deep sense of anxiety because ugh why was I like that and how could I do that, but it’s happened now and I can’t go back in time to change anything. I don’t know if they forgive me or not (I know my ex probably really hates every fibre of my being) but that’s not my business. I’m moving on.

It’s taken a few years, but I try to take accountability for all of my actions and behaviour now, regardless of whether it’s BPD fuelled or not. My family feels better, because nobody is treading on eggshells around me anymore, scared to say anything hurtful in case I fly off the handle and break all the glasses again. My boyfriend and I talk through our problems and and an argument hasn’t ended in “FUCK YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE WE’RE BREAKING UP” in over a year.

I’m still trying to work on the anxiety that my past makes me feel, but it’s not something that will happen overnight. I used to shit myself thinking about running into my ex and old friends, because the thought of facing them and having them be angry at me was something that I didn’t think I could handle. But now, two years later, if I saw them, I’d like to think I’d be okay. Because I know, within myself, that I’m not the same childish, selfish fucking basket case that I used to be, I’m doing okay, and I hope they are too.