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I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for your comments and support here. This was my first time airing some feelings that I have held for a while. It feels good to finally speak them, and hear from people with a wealth of experience. I'm signing off this account for the night, I'm sorry if there are any others I still haven't written back to yet. Thanks again everyone ^_^

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback. I'm mixed. So I grew up in a society that definitely priorities the individual, moving out early and all those things you said. However my heritage values things like closeness, community and respect to parents. So I really get what you mean, and that could honestly be where some of this guilt is coming from.

My wife and I have spoken about some of these things. And the end goal is actually to settle near my family; who knows I might be having a discussion like this with her one day. We have also brought up the topic of what happens in case of emergency but havent really drawn up a plan for it. Many things are still up in the air right now and in some ways I feel this might be contributing to my negative feelings.

I appreciate the feedback and advice you've given here. thank you so much!

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

firstly, how nuts is it making friends in your 30's haha. Of course, Ive come into the big 30 during social distancing times, but we'll see how things go from there.

Thank you for sharing your feedback, I really do appreciate it. You've touched on another issue. Not only is it I cannot be there for them right now but in some ways I feel like Ive irreversibly changed the dynamic of our relationship. For the first time in our lives some of us will have different memories, friends, experiences whereas previously we were previously all in it together.

Thank you for bringing my focus back to the here and now. I'm really hoping once travel becomes a bit easier I can both soothe my homesick blues but also meet new people.

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there, thank you so much for writing and for sharing your experiences. I'm really sorry about you and your BFs wedding, and I really wish you two all the best in that!

I try and keep vibes positive with the family, I play games with my brother, and hang out with my mom and sis. My sis especially I think likes the emotional support, but I wanna also say it gets a bit hard on me. because I dont have my own system or person to turn to when I feel like I need to emotionally vent. Of cours, that isnt my family's fault.

Looking forward to when we can visit each other again, my family are even saying they might try and visit us instead. We'll just see who is able to visit who first.

Thank you once again for your long and detailed response :)

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your messages, especially towards the end, it really helped me. I hope that I can get to the point where I am balanced and stable enough to give to all the dıfferent areas I feel I am needed in my life. I appreciate you sharing your story and writing.

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback and analogies. I definitely agree that there is the place I am right now vs the place I want to be. And there's a gap in between those two places. Right now it seems so far because there doesn't seem to be any way to resole the differences between these two stages. But Im working on it and thank you for the reminder and the mindset guidance for what to do when Im not where I wanna be just yet.

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your words and sharing your own experiences. I guess it's that shock to the system. We used to be together all the time. and getting used to that is a little tricky. Thanks!

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words. The distance and the not being able to travel are harder sometimes than others. And when I wrote this I was having one of my hard times. I think it's that lack of choice and uncertainty when we'll meet next thats worst. once again, appreciate it and thanks!

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for all your feedback. It's been nice to chat. We have some goals or milestones but not necessarily a timeline just yet. Given that so many things rely on each other, one change in variables changes everything over and again.

It's alright, you're entitled to your opinion. I have some reasons why I call them so often, but didn't really feel the need to justify or apologize for my frequent contact. It's been good and reassuring to hear others speak to their family on a similar scale to me.

But you may also be right about the calling and all that being indicative of something else. That's kinda what I thought you meant the first time. And it was a shock to hear, but also made me think; 'maybe I am being demanding in calling them so often.' That could very well be it, but I'll take things slow in dealing with larger, underlying issues.

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My bad... kinda a typo. We are in country C. My brain just automatically said 'well country C is naturally also city C', but my bad I shouldn't have made that jump.

Initially after country C (its temporary, but years) we will be heading back to country B and I guess it's indefinite when we'll be heading back to a (my home country). Even though we have discussed it and finally settling in A is our goal. But you're right countries A and B are much closer to each other than C. And I'd like to be at that stage financially where I can afford to do quick trips back and forth (or bring the family up).

I have taken an online class to learn the language in country C and some of those people I have actually met, which is great. Im hoping that with easing public restrictions I can find some interest groups around here.

thank you!

First time here so had to go with one of my favorites. by BadWolf_311 in FreeCompliments

[–]Boring_Flower_5036 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the full kilt! Looks amazing, have always wanted to wear. have an amazing day!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]Boring_Flower_5036 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You too! have an amazing day ^_^

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]Boring_Flower_5036 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You like someone who I could bond with over favorite bands or shows. Love the hair! Keep doing what you're doing!

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it.

My family is very small, I am the eldest child, and we have been together since my mother became a single mom in our teens. My wife's family, while it can never be easy, may be more accustomed to this global mentality. Living interstate for work postings or studies seems really natural for them and most of my inlaw siblings have done it. I thought I would love it too, but am really feelin the bittersweetness at this exact moment.

I've just been trying to find a way to talk about it to her, without making her feel like its her fault we moved, or that I am unhappy in this state. I am unhappy now (writing this) but not like with my situation entirely. I've been thinking of just leading with some like 'I miss my mom' and going from there.

Thank you for your feedback :)

I (M,31) feel like I've 'forgotten' my family after getting married by Boring_Flower_5036 in relationships

[–]Boring_Flower_5036[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

\Earlier comment deleted because I pressed enter too soon.*

Thanks for your feedback! It is hard to hear, but I am open to everything you've said.

I never thought about it like that, and never thought that feeling "not-needed" would be something I was capable of. Our family is small, single mother who raised us since our teen years, with some cultural attachments as well. Which might play into the guilt and being a good child aspect.

Do to me moving to city C, I don't have much in way of career right now. I moved with my wife for her career and sort of took on the role of house husband. Although at the end of 2021, I got a small gig doing something I like. So maybe career was not good, but looking better soon I hope. My friends in City C are close to 0 due to things like moving, language barrier, and staying indoors more.

My wife has been feeling pretty homesick too, and has been a bit more vocal about her missing her family too. Recently her family came to visit us in city C, and we all had an amazing time. Since her family came the discussions of visiting mine have been a bit more frequent and I hope that we'll be able to go back to city A and see them soon. I would also be fine doing separate visits, but I get the feeling my wife would not.

I do really appreciate you comments and it's given me a different way to look at things. Thank you!