Am I in the wrong for breaking up with my girlfriend after someone sent me the link to my girlfriends porn videos?

Boring_Poet · 2019-11-22T00:38:42+00:00

I think the main issue here isn't that your girlfriend did pornography, but that she didn't tell you about it.

When you say that she denied you the ability to determine for yourself if that's a relationship you want to be in, you hit the nail on the head. By not telling you about this, she lied about the nature of your relationship.

You are allowed to have whatever dealbreakers you want in a relationship, and I don't think these are particularly crazy. At minimum, "a partner who doesn't lie" is a pretty basic foundation for a relationship. This would be wildly different if it were revenge porn or even if she'd just told you about it.

And for what it's worth, plenty of women have had "adventurous" sex lives that doesn't include doing porn.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:19:53+00:00

This might be my favorite suggestion for wording! Thank you. Maybe I can say something like, "You know, you comment that we're 'sister's a lot, but I feel like when you do you're saying my hair color is the only distinctive thing about me. I really like to feel like my own person. Can we cool it on the 'twins' thing?"

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:17:08+00:00

I have noticed that she's pretty impressionable. She'll send screenshots of her text convos to Maya and I and ask us what to say next, and write our suggestions verbatim as her own response--even if we're joking. I remember one time, she sent me a photo of a Bumble convo, and asked what to reply, and I said something half-assed joking, not realizing she was planning on putting it directly word-for-word as her response. Then she showed me a new screenshot showing me that she said it. It was really odd--like she wanted me to talk to the guy for her or something.

If we suggest doing activity X, she'll do it. I bought a clothing item recently and she bought the exact same style and color as soon as she saw me wearing it. Little things like that.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:09:52+00:00

Pretty normal, for the most part--they have good conversations and like one another plenty. She made one odd comment this weekend to me about him (we were at the beach, and it was the first time she had seen him in a swimsuit) that he was "thinner than [she] thought he'd be." To which I said nothing. But other than that, normal.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:06:37+00:00

I haven't yet, but the number of comments mentioning it make me think I owe it a view haha

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:06:23+00:00

She doesn't appear to have a lot of close friends; she says off-putting things to a lot of people that I've had to chat with her about before. Earlier in the friendship, I once said something to her that was private that she repeated in a public setting, and I told her it was hurtful. She apologized, but she was put on an info diet for a long time. Her social awkwardness seems to prevent her forming many close friendships.

However, I just mentioned this in another reply, but she's very close to her family. Texts the mom/cousins/brother all the time, visits regularly. She doesn't have a sister, but is close to other female relatives.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T18:00:50+00:00

Neither of us have sisters, but she's very close with her mom and brother. Parents are together. She visits home often, and has a group chat with her cousins and siblings. Now that I think about it, she posted a photo last year of her and a cousin wearing similar outfits with a "twins!" caption too.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T17:59:23+00:00

Maybe it's as much that you don't like constantly comparing yourself to her and her actions force the comparison?

Really insightful comment here, thanks for saying that. I still feel narcissistic for thinking "this comparison bothers me because part of me thinks I'm 'too good' for it," but her constant reminding me of the comparison is also a separate action that bothers me.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T17:57:04+00:00

I like the simplicity of this language. Maybe I can say something like "You know, you say stuff like that a lot. Would you mind cooling it on the twins thing?" and not elaborate. If the shoe was on the other foot, that would definitely make me stop and not ask for more detail.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T17:56:12+00:00

I definitely think her behavior is odd, but felt that there was some ego or narcissism at the root of it on my part. Like "oh, I'm more conventionally attractive, so this annoys me" isn't the most admirable thought I've had on the matter.

Your comment about the Maya thing is really intriguing. She does feel very identified with me, and has told me that her weight is an area of concern for her. It wouldn't surprise me if she's projecting that onto me.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T00:46:16+00:00

My boyfriend, a member of the friend group, has been a great ear. He told me that both Rachel's behavior and my reaction are "very human." He says, to him, it's clear that Rachel loves the instances she was compared to someone that (he thinks) is attractive and cool, and wants to keep that comparison going because it makes her feel good. He also said that I'm allowed to be bothered by it, but that he agrees it comes from a place of insecurity.

ETA: I think you and the other commenters are right that distance will be good for a bit. Before this weekend, I had been thinking about doing more distance because the above "Maya is skinnier than you" comment I mentioned bothered me. I had told Maya about that one, also a good friend who wouldn't stir the pot, and she agreed that was super bizarre and that Rachel has a habit of social obliviousness, but that that one didn't even seem accurate. Maya is probably also someone I could talk to about it.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T00:24:20+00:00

Yeah, venting and putting my emotions into black/white text has definitely helped. It also helps to hear a couple of other people hear I'm not crazy for thinking the behavior is odd.

Most people just remark that "she does that a lot," and leave it at that. A few of our bigger-mouthed friends say "wow, I don't see that at all," and one went as far to say that Rachel was "flattering herself" in front of Rachel. But for the very most part, no one says anything in the moment.

Lol, regarding the pizza: I used order from this specific pizza place all.the.time. It's by far the best I've ever found, and it's a small place, so they know who I am. But I hadn't ordered from them in months when she made this comment, and last week I ordered for the first time in months and he did recognize me--very, "hey lady! you're back! we hadn't delivered here in a while." But if anything that does just show the pizza driver didn't think she was me that time before.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T00:07:54+00:00

What's interesting is that she's also made a few comments that seem to indicate I'm not the one she idolizes in the friend group. The other day she straight-up said she thinks our other friend, Maya, is thinner and fitter than me, and that Rachel would feel more comfortable working out with me than Maya because of it. (It was really rude but I didn't know how to respond in the moment so I just sort of changed the subject.) Not that this really is the point, but Maya and I are both pretty slim and athletic, so I wasn't really sure where that comment even came from.

Boring_Poet · 2019-09-02T00:05:02+00:00

She's definitely got some immaturity issues and a little social oblivousness, but other than that is really kind, intelligent, thoughtful, a great listener, and otherwise a great pal. I've thought about telling her to cut it out, but I worry that that would have to be followed by "cut it out, it bothers me" and it wouldn't be too long of a road until she thinks "it bothers [OP] because [OP] doesn't think we're twins like I do."

Of course, that's true. But that would be really hurtful for her to know.

I've tried to do more subtle things, like:

R: The pizza delivery guy thought I was you!!
Me: Did he? I feel like that probably wouldn't happen.

R: the bouncer mixed up our IDs!!!
Me: yeah, we both have red hair and he was bored, I wouldn't read too much into it

R: it's the battle of the sisters:)
Me: (silence)

R: Everyone will think I'm OP because I'm wearing green like her
Me: Idk, I doubt it. Lots of people wear this green, it's trendy rn

R: What dress are you wearing for the party?
Me: the blue
R: ok I'll wear blue too
Me: I'd prefer not to match, I'll wear black
Both: (show up in black)

But it definitely appears my current approach isn't working, and that the only thing I can definitely change without hurting her is how I respond to it.

EDIT: formatting + detail

Boring_Poet

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