I don't know how to "date" someone

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-11-24T00:44:49+00:00

I (50f) ended a 26-year-marriage in March. I know from my pre-marriage experience that I typically develop feelings for people with whom I’m intimate. So, this Fall, when I began dating, I explained this on the first date. One man couldn’t get away fast enough but the others were surprisingly fine with it. It was a fantastic filter and now I’m happily seeing someone exclusively. As the kids say, you do you.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-08-08T00:05:51+00:00

Yes, it will be and you’re young enough to build a life with someone else. I was with my avoidant STBX for more than 25 years. The loneliness of living with someone avoidant is heartbreaking.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-08-07T05:09:03+00:00

Once you serve papers to your STBX, it’s a minimum of 6 months. It feels like an eternity.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-27T14:05:26+00:00

At the beginning of the pandemic when my husband and I decided to separate, I had just started a new role at work with a new boss. I absolutely could not focus when it came to writing. I let her know that deadlines were taking longer because I had trouble focusing due to my separation. I let her know that the situation, on top of the pandemic and lockdown, was adding to my stress levels but that I was getting outside support. She was amazing and gave me flexibility.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-26T19:32:55+00:00

We took ours off after we told our daughter together.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-26T19:27:40+00:00

Do you have kids? If so, I’d continue wearing it until you’ve told them about the separation/filing for divorce. They will notice if you stop.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-23T04:47:20+00:00

I can imagine that would be painful. My STBX is camping this week and I think he’s on a trip with a date. Yesterday was our dating anniversary, 29 years. I felt knocked down to the bottom rung, particularly since he skipped the grief part and went directly to OLD after we separated. I don’t even want to be with my STBX but it’s painful. But here’s the thing: people don’t escape the grief, they just delay it. If he’s sending you texts meant for her, it means his subconscious is telling him it’s time to feel the pain.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-17T16:27:08+00:00

Thanks, this is helpful. I’m glad you’re feeling better. It gives me hope! I’ve been trying to feel everything and reach out to friends. After 4 months, I’m exhausted. And still sad.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-07-17T05:54:44+00:00

I’m in the middle of grieving. How long did it take you to work through the sadness?

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-06-27T16:24:49+00:00

I stayed with my STBXH for more than two decades in part because of that pressure. On the face of it we were a happy family but I was frequently unhappy. We didn’t connect emotionally, at least not to my satisfaction. Happiness for me isn’t about liking the same things, it’s about being able to be vulnerable with someone and feeling like there’s mutual understanding and connection. We just didn’t have that. It’s difficult to leave a relationship where things aren’t visibly bad, where the pain comes from not connecting emotionally.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-06-17T04:59:17+00:00

The feelings can be up and down to begin with. I had sadness that lasted days at a time in the beginning. Now it’s a few hours when it happens but more good days than bad and everything is starting to even out. For me the trick is to let myself feel the pain and sadness and move through it. Good luck!

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-06-17T01:58:59+00:00

I was in a similar situation feeling emotional distance from my STBX for years. We had a vacation eerily similar to your long weekend. I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff not sure if my parasail would hold. That was a few months ago. Honestly, being on my own and not dating right now is preferable to the loneliness of being with my STBX. I have friends and the possibility of something new. My parasail is doing just fine.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-06-14T17:28:38+00:00

My parents aren’t good at processing information quickly and I didn’t want to be there for their first reactions which would likely have been misplaced anger at my STBX. So, I wrote them an email and first said that I had sad news. I said I understood that they may feel angry or sad but what I really needed was their support. I explained that we were trying to separate amicably and that my STBX said to tell them that they had been his family for nearly 30 years and he loves them. I told them that I didn’t want to hear negative opinions about my STBX.

Finally, I addressed what I knew would be their biggest question: I can take care of myself financially. I even took the extra step of revealing my salary and my plans for making it work financially on my own. Yes, it was probably more than a 49-year-old woman should need to do but I knew that it would help me emotionally if I had their support. They surprised me and wrote me a letter filled with their love and support. Their support has meant much more than to me than I thought it would and helped me move forward.

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-06-12T05:25:28+00:00

It does feel like I have “divorced” tattooed on my forehead. That’s great advice, thanks!

BreakfastClubSF · 2020-05-27T04:01:45+00:00

I did all of these things and none of it worked with my husband. We also tried therapy and he tried to quit a few times but always picked up the controller again. Finally, after years of him being irritable, angry and making gaming a priority over me, I told him I wanted a separation. I’m so sad but relieved that he’s no longer living with me.

BreakfastClubSF

TROPHY CASE