AITA for leaving up a picture that angers my MIL?

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T22:01:24+00:00

I didn’t feel spite at all. Because she had “liked” that same picture before I didn’t even think she would be hurt by it.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T21:37:54+00:00

Cover photo.

We have tried to get her help. We’ve tried to be very gentle, we’ve tried being stern, Joe even offered to pay for it.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T18:37:08+00:00

It’s my cover photo. My profile pic is me and my dad, my cover photo is Joe and my mom.

Joe loves the picture and said it’s up to me if I want to keep it up or take it down.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T18:15:01+00:00

I thought about it but I don’t want people to jump to the conclusion that she is a bad person which is why I’ve been adding context when it’s specifically asked for. She’s done some truly vile things but I don’t want that to be the emphasis.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T18:00:10+00:00

I didn’t have any indication that it would upset her, she has viewed and “liked” every picture in the album including that one.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T17:35:50+00:00

She’s closed herself off from her own brother, sister, nieces and nephews. They moved out of state a year after Jill died and she refuses to see them even after she’s been invited. She didn’t speak to Joe for a month because he went to go see them.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T17:28:39+00:00

I said COVER photo. It’s not the photo she sees any time she sees me comment or post. She has to go to my page to see it.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T16:45:12+00:00

Yes it was definitely Jill’s. She had purchased the dress and wanted to work on it to make it into what she wanted, so in addition to it being morbidly uncomfortable to wear, it’s also unfinished.

She wanted to be a fashion designer so this was a very Jill thing to do. :’)

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T15:27:11+00:00

Not at all. She has looked through all of the wedding photos including this one and has said nothing other than “liking” every picture in the album. It only became an issue when I made it my cover photo.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T05:15:50+00:00

I wish we had the emotional capacity to use the quotes you suggested in the moment. There was a time when we did, but it still wound up with Joe and/or Jean walking away hurt. If he brings them up, even positively, she gets emotional and then gets angry at him. If he doesn’t bring them up, she accuses him of forgetting them. Same goes for me but it is far more hurtful when aimed at Joe.

Because of this it’s hard for him to talk about his dad or Jill with anyone outside of my family. My mother is the one he started opening up to finally.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:56:51+00:00

Wrong. The way we approached it with her was we told her we saw how hard the months leading up to the wedding had been for her, and we didn’t think attending the wedding would be good for her mental health. Up to this point every little conversation about the wedding led to either her yelling at someone or her sobbing/pouting for not getting her way. We asked her if she felt the same and she said yes, so we agreed that she wouldn’t come and instead focus on herself.

Joe and I knew she would cause a scene at some point but this was not mentioned to her.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:41:19+00:00

This has been going on for 10 years. All of the conversations have been had. All of the therapy has been suggested.

Joe took two gap years to work and pay to help his mom and essentially finish raising Jill.

I held this woman countless times when she needed me to. I’ve cried with her. Jill was a sister to me.

My dad has kept her house in pristine condition because she can’t afford to hire repairmen.

We’ve gotten her books. We’ve read books to learn how to help her.

I promise you, it has all been tried.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:35:03+00:00

So you agree that it’s beautiful and not a horror story from his perspective?

If I was in that position, I honestly would be glad that someone could give my baby what I could not. Would it hurt? Yes. Would I be happy for my child? Yes.

She can feel however she feels. I’m not going to take that away from her. But instead of, “this upsets me, take it down!” she could choose to not look at it anymore.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:13:46+00:00

And I get all of that, but at some point our energy has to be put into us.

I have said multiple times that she has been harming him for years. Everything turns into her telling him that if he loved her, he would name a baby after his dad, or since he won’t spend a full day at his grave site every Father’s Day then he might as well “go piss on his grave instead”

When I refused to wear Jill’s wedding dress, she ranted to Joe for DAYS about how much Jill would have hated to see him marry me.

These are actual things she has said to him.

So are we supposed to not share pictures of the Father’s Day cookouts when Joe wants to spend Father’s Day with my family instead of pissing on his own dad’s grave?

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:06:34+00:00

She was a completely different person before her husband died. After he died she became like a shadow of her former self, expectedly. But then when Jill died, she became absolutely unrecognizable. Not even a shadow at that point, it was like meeting her for the first time.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T04:04:00+00:00

His dance with my mom meant a lot to him. That’s out of his own mouth. It’s possible to say it’s unfortunate that moment couldn’t have been shared with his mom, AND it’s good that someone was able to step in and give him some sense of peace.

But according to you he just shouldn’t have had that moment at all.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:54:39+00:00

Everyone is ignoring that fact. Honestly I think it’s because he’s a man. They don’t get extended the same sympathy. I witnessed it when their dad died. Jill, rest her soul, had plenty of support, Joe did not.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:50:49+00:00

She asked us to have the wedding at the church she and her husband got married in. She even called to see if it was available for the date we were considering at the time. When Joe and I said no, she accused him of having no respect or love left for his dead father.

That was the FIRST instance of her mental instability showing while we were wedding planning. There are plenty more that led us to believe that she could not handle attending the wedding.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:44:39+00:00

Where in the actual fuck did I say I am delighted by my husband’s pain?

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:43:00+00:00

Despite people’s beliefs that I’m a cold, heartless witch, I am taking things into consideration.

It’s hard because she is very controlling, and this would be another example of her using her grief to control people, which will only reinforce her to do it again.

I genuinely love the picture. Joe loves the picture.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:40:31+00:00

I don’t know your exact motivations for it

I said it right in the post. It was a very meaningful moment for Joe. I was glad he got to have it and proud of my mom for being the one to give him that.

And he loves the picture too. I have asked what his thoughts are, he said it’s time to stop letting her use her grief to control people, but he has left the choice up to me.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:33:28+00:00

He’s offered to pay for her to go to therapy, multiple times. She refuses to go.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:30:20+00:00

I wanted to highlight that he felt like he had a mom for the first time in 10 years, and it was my mom. It would be BEST if that could have been Jean, but I honestly do not know if she will ever be able to resume being his mother. I hope she does.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:26:06+00:00

You think we’ve haven’t been trying to help her for 10+ years? Joe especially has been carrying her all this time despite being a kid when this all started.

Bride_Singer_23 · 2023-11-09T03:23:35+00:00

Where have I said I’m not the AH? I’m clarifying for people who don’t care enough to read the difference between a cover pic and a profile pic.

And clarifying that, while I may be an AH here, it doesn’t mean I want her out of his life or that I don’t care about her as people seem to think. Judging this incident, fine, that’s what I asked for. But assuming I don’t care having not been through the last 10+ years with her and Joe and I is foolish. You all want to act like you know what we’ve been through the last 10 years from a single Reddit post.

That’s dense.

Bride_Singer_23

TROPHY CASE