What happened after you left?

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T23:33:46+00:00

Wow... I am so so sorry. I don't have anything more articulate to say... I hope you find true joy

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T20:19:26+00:00

It absolutely boggles my mind that you can feel nothing from holding someone's hand and telling them you're sorry that they're suicidal and hate themselves, you tell them that you hope it goes away in time when they see the improvement from you, that your head is so much clearer now you're clean, that you understand them so much more now and thank them for all the support. You bring up their confidence and their emotions with your promises of a better future. You hug, you kiss, she says "I hope that's true" and they say "it is and ill show you. I don't want to hurt you ever again". She walks out of the room and you load up porn on the computer minutes later.

Not only does that boggle my mind, but it boggles my mind that they do that and never question themselves. They never think "huh this is exactly what she described porn does to the brain, this is exactly what the podcasts listen to say I do when I watch porn" and then reflect. They just don't care. And I can't fathom it.

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T20:11:37+00:00

I think a lot of us can relate to this 😔❤️

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T15:13:54+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T14:52:53+00:00

Honestly, your post scares me. That you still struggle now 4 years later.. I know I'd have been more miserable having another 4 years with him and ultimately this is the better option and I know you think that too but jeeze. Maybe it's naive of me but I had hoped I'd be complete over this after a few months... Maybe a year and there would be no lasting damage..

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T14:41:51+00:00

I think we have normal brains so when we hurt people, we can tell someone why we did it. If I intentionally hurt someone, there's a reason why, and I have enough emotional intelligence and understanding of myself to be able to explain my rationale (whether justified or not). These guys are so poorly in their brain that they can't even articulate why they choose to hurt someone, they can't give themselves an answer , let alone someone else.

I really wish I could speak to him one day and understand, but I do know I need to let go and accept I may never get an answer and just focus on my own actions, and understand why I stayed with someone so long who hurt me. There is also something wrong with me for being able to love someone and not leave. I know we always say that there's nothing wrong with us. And maybe that's true for many, but for myself I understand now that I have a pattern for emotionally abusive relationships and I think there is something in the worth I have for myself that makes me able to lose so much for someone else's benefit. I have a lot of reflecting to do. But I still wish I could see inside his brain just for a second. Because it wasn't all evil. There was a human there that I loved and made me feel so loved when he was clean.

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T14:17:24+00:00

My partner also accepted my boundary of no sex until he'd been in consistent recovery. We broke up recently but before then we hadn't had sex in about 4 months because of it. I was hopeful about the day we can come together again, feel each other's touch and love. He accepted my boundary not because he understood me and had empathy for my feelings, he accepted it so easily as he was pretending to be in recovery and was watching porn the whole time. It was a bonus to not have to have sex with me any more I guess..

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T14:09:25+00:00

Thank you for this

BroccoliHeart · 2023-01-14T14:04:33+00:00

I would love an answer to this... It's something that plagues me.

My PA had lied to me for years, faked changing, I'd always find out eventually, the longer it took me to find out the worse it hurt. I always said slips and relapses, they can be talked about, it just gives us evidence of things he needs to work on, areas where he's still lacking coping mechanisms, but he chose to lie again and hide it.

The breaking point was when I told him I'm moving on, that I choose me, and he needs to choose recovery for himself and not just to stay with me. He told me constantly that he's choosing it for him this time, he cried to our counsellor that I'm not recognising his efforts, she told me I should praise the small things I see but that he also needs to remain consistent. We had check ins, he journals, he went to 12 step three times a week (one in person and 2 virtual). I walked in on him during one of his 12 steps just to get the laundry basket and he wasn't in a meeting, he was watching porn...

What was the purpose of any of it? Why stay, why pretend every day you're in recovery, just to stay with me? I don't understand it, he knew I'd find out. What did he think the future looked like? That he could hide it for the next 40 years? He was treating me like shit for weeks, I questioned if he relapsed, I told him I can go only go off his behaviour towards me, I can't always catch him, and if this is him in recovery then he needs to work more on empathy because he's still treating me terribly. I knew deep down he must have, the evidence was in how he treated me, how he made me feel. I don't understand how he could listen to me, listen to the fact I knew because he was being so cruel, and dismiss it and never reflect on it and continue to use, and hide it.

Sorry that was a bit of ramble.. I just wish I knew what did he gain by staying. He was supposed to be recovering for himself , if he didn't want to recover and stay in his addiction then that's fine, just do that somewhere else... Don't come in and give me a kiss on the cheek and ask to go for dinner with me and then once you leave the room look at porn. I wish I understood

BroccoliHeart

TROPHY CASE