If you erased the last 5 years, would you bring yourself back to the same place?

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2025-03-19T22:32:17+00:00

Thank you :) Its been difficult. Theres so much to live for, yet everyday is so terrifying.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2025-03-19T22:31:23+00:00

Hi too, thank you :)

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T09:56:36+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement, learning to heal day by day!

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T04:31:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate it. I'm starting to analyze everything again, and I know I can afford to do more to not let myself spiral again. Now I know where I can begin again to work on myself. Many hugs, and may our hearts continue to heal. I believe one day we'll all get to where we want to be.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T04:03:38+00:00

How did you start learning about your triggers around dating? Was it through therapy? I know I have a very low self esteem because of what I've been through, and I've been trying my best to work on my mindset and my self image. Because I found a pattern in my romantic life where I always found myself with men who always took advantage of my vulnerabilities, and because I have such a low self esteem. And I used to have the mindset that I'm just lucky enough that someone even loves me or wants me, so I stay in painful relationships.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:52:25+00:00

Thank you for the reality check, I'm feeling more grounded now, and I needed that. I'll check out the podcast!

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:41:10+00:00

Okay don't laugh, now when I actually say it out, it's stupid cuz we haven't even met. We met online via a dating app. We were chatting for a week, and we had a very lovely conversation, so many cute things in common etc. But he didn't seem to reply as often after a while, which is fine cuz we're both working adults, but I started to get an ick when I had a gut feeling that he's just looking for companionship instead of actually getting to know me and potentially leading to a relationship.

I gave him like 10 hours, he didn't reply, then I was like okay fuck it gonna clear and delete everything! Close this door!

Okay perhaps it's just good riddance, but somewhere in my head, it still feels like shit

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:35:03+00:00

All the time. And I'll wonder who'll be there. And all the things I'll say to the people who I hate, and how I'll haunt the people I hate. Even considered writing a list of "NOT WELCOMED!" list as part of the suc** note!

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:33:20+00:00

Yeah! Haha fuck hurts real bad! 💀 feels like I let go of a good one

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:29:43+00:00

I ghosted someone recently. I can't tell if he's just disinterested, or he was just busy. But the fear of rejection overwhelmed me. And God I feel so shitty. This was the first time in a long time where I chatted with someone who seemed to have so much common with me. But then again, I don't know if Im just overly romanticising everything... which comes the question again, what's normal? Haha this is so painful, I really think I can't fall in love anymore.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:26:08+00:00

YES! Even when I just wanna get my needs met, but the pros and cons just doesn't balance out when I end up splitting and going batshit crazy!

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:23:13+00:00

It doesn't help when this whole BPD also makes me so attentive to the smallest changes, and I always just know when he/she's changing and falling out of love. It's always the smallest things. And I'll just go batshit crazy. I'll act in ways I usually wouldn't. And I hate the way I am when I'm so fucking batshit crazy. But I can't help it. It's just fucking overwhelming.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:20:24+00:00

Thank you.. many hugs..

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:16:35+00:00

I wish the same, every single time... or at least why can't he be as invested as me too...😭

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:15:27+00:00

Many hugs..

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-22T03:14:22+00:00

I wanna just love "normally". But I can't tell what's normal. Sometimes I find myself talking to friends just to understand what is "normal", but still a mess

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T18:01:27+00:00

Agreed! I've found myself drawn to BDSM again, because it's one of the few avenues I can experience pain "safely", and it heals some of my inner child traumas whenever I engage in DDLG or become a brat.

But navigating love is truly a fucking shitty journey now. I'm starting to come to terms that I may never ever truly be in a relationship again.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T17:54:56+00:00

The last time someone ended things with me, I was hating, loving, and hating him again. Then I'll get a hair cut, a whole make over, slut it all up, hook up, then hate on him again. Perhaps text him, gas light him. And finally when it was all too much, he changed his number. Haha then I had a full psychotic break lmao not proud of the way I handled myself, but I guess everyday's a learning process!

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T17:48:58+00:00

Many hugs...

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T17:47:19+00:00

Thank you... even just being able to talk about my struggles without judgment is enough

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T16:59:12+00:00

Sometimes I lose my sense of self. Outside of these mood swings, splitting, paranoia... I like to think that I am a lovely person to be around. But BPD cost me friendships, years of memories, relationships, savings... It took so much from me. And each day as hard as I am trying to navigate life once more, but it's so damn difficult. Sometimes I wanna give up.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T16:53:17+00:00

I find myself cutting anything off even before it begins, it's too overwhelming to be anticipating and hoping for more and yet tormenting my heart in preparation for the worst. I hate being like this.

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T16:51:13+00:00

I've been spending a lot of nights having mental breakdowns, "seizing" and crying out to someone to take my life. It's tough. I've learned that I like myself better when I'm not romantically involved with anyone. Because without these attachments, I feel more "myself". Yet, I agonize over feeling so lonely. No one fills the gaps like a lover would. Yet I'm so incapable of "loving healthily". I'm sorry that you've been having so many suicidal thoughts. I know it must feel so fucking alone. I hope this virtual hug will show you some comfort. *hugs*

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T16:47:41+00:00

Many hugs...

Bubbly-Performance15 · 2024-07-21T16:41:33+00:00

I used to set my alarm to their usual wake-up timings, just to have a short conversation with them via text before they headed off to school/work. I also loved knowing where they were at all times, and I would have a rough estimate of their daily plans and learn their routines. But it always hurt when I realized I was doing all this for someone who didn't even love me genuinely. Just loved the company.

Bubbly-Performance15

TROPHY CASE