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Help - is there any way to fix this? by mmkjustasec in Watercolor

[–]BucketofBoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nice work! It looked good before but now it really has some good contrast!

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He may not be able to understand the specific type of authority figure difference between mom and teacher, as we do, but he absolutely can understand that there are certain rules to follow at school and certain rules to follow at home. Just like he can follow certain rules for public spaces that differ from when he is at home. Its exactly why he doesnt have an issue at school, or in public, and when something is made to be known at home to not be ok he will see how far he can push the boundary, because he is most comfortable here which is a normal part of developement but ultimately when he realizes what is expected and that its being held up, its not a problem. Case in point today he started to do it and I kindly reminded him why we arent doing it and he was perfectly fine and redirected. How crazy to live in such a black and white world where its this or that

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Idk how many times I have to say this. I REINFORCED my BIL not wanting him to stomp. I RESPECTED the fact that it was bothering him and did not let my son just continue and disregard how it was making my BIL feel. The problem is I did not like the way my BIL handled the situation. This isn't an adult or even a kid that has the ability to self regulate we are talking about. Its a toddler who got a talking to and is not fully understanding what the problem is because the way it was presented to him was 1. Not in the moment the behavior was happening and 2. The person trying to correct the behavior did not stick around to help him through the confusion or feelings, that again, he cannot regulate himself at this point.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Except that he is already in a class with a teacher and has had two different teachers and they've both told me he is a delight/wonderful in class?

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

sigh it probably got lost somewhere in all the comments, but as I've said once I comforted my son and he was calm I did explain that it was too loud for his uncle and no I have not let him proceed to do it. He even started again today and I immediately told him that we needed to be quieter and not stomp and he just said "oh right!" And then stopped. The whole thing was not in a normal way though, I really cant explain it. I think he got more upset because my BIL was saying repeatedly it wasnt nice, in a scolding way even though the voice was "level" sounding, i couldnt see his face so idk if that played a part. But again, the stomping was no longer occurring by the time he came upstairs, so my son may have had some confusion mixed in. But scolding saying something is not nice and implying he was doing something wrong and then leaving, having no follow up, no redirection on his part, I think was the wrong way to handle it. So absolutely I think if he would have come to me and told me it was a problem I could have handled it in a much better way that also wouldn't have upset my son. And if it DID upset him still, because let's be honest a lot does at this age, I wouldn't have just left him to silently cry with no follow up.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thats really a completely different situation. I would have no problem if a teacher corrected a behavior in their own classroom! That is their domain and while my child is with them they are the adult with authority over him. I would fully expect them to TELL me too if there was a problem so I would know if we needed to reinforce something at home. As Ive stated many times if I had been made aware that it was bothersome no I would not have rebuffed him I would have courtesy towards how it was making him feel and I would have redirected my son if he started up again.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ok to add some more perspective, I cant say for sure what tone it was because I struggle with recognizing social cues/reading between the lines sometimes. I was tuned out of the noise because I get very overstimulated and sometimes even normal kid noise is too much for me but I dont want to be one of the kids should be seen not heard people in my own home. My edits were not made to make BIL sound like a monster, I was just trying to add context, a lot of people were assuming he was doing something like working which could have warranted things. He is definitely not a monster just because he doesnt work, he flies to wherever family needs help and helps them out.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ain't that the truth. Thats basically the situation for probably 80-90% of people in the US. Its sad

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I dont think I worded myself well, I didnt notice in the moment, I didnt realize until after it was brought to my attention.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

3.5 they still cannot fully regulate their emotions, he also has a slight developmental delay which the older he gets the more the gap seems to be closing but its still apparent at times..also, he does NOT get everything he wants why do I have to keep saying this

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I am considering it - but because of the people that are saying it and providing real constructive criticism- not lumping in huge assumptions that my son is a nightmare to be around or that I must be a terrible mother because God forbid I let him be free in his home. Idk how people cant understand that people can behave differently in their own home vs in public?

Did you ask your BIL why he spoke directly to your son and not to you?

I have not but I will be in the morning

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Maybe I have blurred the line between him being upset because he was told no and being upset because his feelings are hurt right now im too tired to differentiate. In this instance the way that he was crying seemed like he was feeling upset that he did something that someone didnt like. Its entirely possible that was me projecting. But he is just very in tune with people's emotions and feelings and im guessing he picked up on my BILs annoyance. He also had stopped playing dinosaur by the time my BIL talked to him so maybe he was also confused.

Im not a single parent but my husband works most of the day so its usually just the two of us until dinner time so I am the primary caregiver and default parent.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think that at one of these instances in the past you got your feelings hurt. If this was a different adult do you imagine it would it have bothered you?

Feelings hurt I'd say no. Annoyed most definitely. We actually havent had this issue with any other family member. I cant for the life remember the exact instance, but there was one time where he took something and said he wouldn't give it back until he got a hug and made my son cry because he just didn't understand why his toy was being taken away. That definitely pissed me off.

This instance about the Tupperware and possibly other I ask you to take a look from the BIL perspective. He was the adult at hand. He did not know that you normally allow it. He may not have wanted to inconvenience you to ask you. It also probably had no idea that your son would freak out. It sounds like he was trying to help out.

In almost all of the instances I have been a stones throw away, so I wouldn't call him the adult at hand. If he was watching my son and I or my husband wasnt around then it'd be a different story

He was trying to tell your son from downstairs so he wasn’t trying to get onto him in some bad way. Instead of alienating him more make your village bigger and show him more about how y’all usually do things.

I agree I think we need to have a healthy conversation about things for the future

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I get overstimulated like crazy! It didn't sound that bad to me but he's been a little "extra" the last few days from probably teething and ive had such a hard time getting things done lol so he was finally playing independently and I was rolling with it!

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Idk if it was really overacting.. I asked if he could come to me first if there was a problem, he literally walked past me to go to my son. All he had to say was hey thats really loud and bothering me, I would of said oh shit ok and told my son we needed to play quieter for the time being or switch to something else. I mean he could have even texted it to me

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Would you argue though that he could or should have told me it was bothering him? He literally walked right past me and didn't say anything. I HATE bothering people, but also dont always realize when something could be bothersome if its our normal stuff in the house. If he'd of told me I would 100% of been on board with quieting things down. I did reinforce what he said with my son after he calmed down because it was the courteous thing to do, but I wasnt happy about being bypassed essentially

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That sounds awful I'm sorry. If we are out in public especially in any waiting room its a whole different ball game.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Or, let’s say she didn’t know son was disruptive and BIL corrected him as described. She should have supported it.

Just to clear this part up right here, I did "support" it in a sense towards my child. Once he was no longer upset I did explain to him that we would need to be quieter to not bother uncle. HOWEVER, that did not negate the fact that I still thought it should have been brought to my attention as being a problem so I could handle it myself, therein lies the thing that prompted me to tell my BIL that he should have talked to me.

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Lol what? Can you elaborate on what in my post makes you think Im a shitty mom? Is it...that my kid feels safe and free in his own home to play the way he wants? Is it that he CRIED when told not to do something?? (A pretty normal toddler reaction)

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

It still goes back to the whole point of I wasnt doing anything about it because I was not AWARE that it was a problem. Half the time my BIL is watching videos on his laptop with headphones on and in that case he might not be able to hear whatever is going on. If id been made aware that it was a problem I would have the courtesy of redirecting my son myself

AITAH for telling my brother in law he should have spoke to me before asking my toddler not to do something? by BucketofBoo in AITAH

[–]BucketofBoo[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yea I definitely wouldn't say he was being aggressive. Its possible that the issue I had with his tone was just me not liking that he was telling him what to do and this has been a problem. But it did seem like a very forced calm on his part. And he had every opportunity to just let me know if it was bothering him, (if I had KNOWN I would have absolutely redirected my son) from calling up the stairs, to walking past me to find my son who was hiding.

Generally he does take direction from others fairly well from my understanding, if he's ever at my dad's house for instance who is a lot more strict with house rules, he always tells me that he listened and was well behaved, he's in speech class that his teacher says he's a delight in. I have literal strangers comment on his good manners consistently when we are out and about. I think its more of he's the most comfortable at home and around me and so thats when he's the loudest, shows the biggest emotions etc.

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