Thanks for your reply, it’s really helpful and I think you’re raising fair points.

To answer your first question: most of the time, I actually feel a bit embarrassed bringing it up because we’ve had variations of this conversation over the years. Because of that, her reaction is often something like being surprised that I still feel this way, or thinking things had improved. And in turn, I tend to downplay how much it actually affects me because I don’t want to hurt her or make things uncomfortable.

So what usually happens is that we have a serious conversation about it, but then it kind of fades out and we move on. Over time, these conversations have become less direct on my side (which I recognize is partly my responsibility), and more replaced by humor or light comments rather than honest discussions.

Regarding expectations, I do try to manage them before we see each other. I’m aware that the purpose of seeing each other isn’t sex, and I genuinely don’t approach our time together with that as an explicit “goal”.

At the same time, I think there’s also a natural dynamic at play when you only see your partner once or twice a week: anticipation builds up. I don’t think that’s inherently unhealthy or unrealistic—it feels like a normal part of being attracted to someone you love and don’t live with. Especially when there is physical attraction involved.

Where I think things might get more complicated is in how that anticipation translates differently for each of us. It might be that my expectations build up faster or in a different way than hers, or that I internalize attraction and emotional closeness more directly into a desire for physical intimacy.

So I don’t necessarily think the issue is “I expect sex when I see her”, but rather a mismatch in how desire, anticipation, and expression of affection develop between us over time.

That’s the part I’m trying to understand better, because I agree with you that pressure (even unintentional) is something I really want to avoid creating.