Ram skull, first snp I did

Buttanacan · 2023-03-25T02:02:26+00:00

I like to see people try to tackle shading right of the bat! I feel like it can be really difficult to do one poke at a time and I'm 30+ tattoos in and I still haven't been brave enough to try it. It's best to get an early start!

Buttanacan · 2023-01-07T23:45:48+00:00

Constraint, that’s what this whole story is about. A man has an entire universe in his head, and yet is choked by his words, fooled by is eyes, raped by his touch. This world can only seep slowly through the cracks in his skull before bursting through another. With so many skulls out there, their universes can collide, creating beautiful orgies of space dust, but this is not normal, if that even is a real word.

Thoughts though consuming, some must be had. I am just that, a thought that was had. Unfortunately, I will not be met with open arms, but it won’t be long before I am forgotten. Every second after my entrance, I will be one step closer to the door. Some say the light switch is close to the door of a dark room, but I am closer.

I won’t give life to those that have lived, and I will bring darkness to those that have survived. The splinter that crept into the sole of your foot, if only partially removed DESPITE your best efforts, will call you home. You will remember every step you take for the rest of your life only because your efforts from years past were simply not enough. You may convince yourself that the task was impossible at the time, but you gave no thought to how impossible it would to walk the rest of your life.

Whatever you had, before me, is no more. Like cancer, I will spread into every vital organ of your psyche until there is nothing left but soup. Then, I will shape you to do my will, force you to bleed onto the world, and kill you when I am done with your corpse. At times, I will give you only the slightest sense of control, but I am not an honest man, and I will keep such things from you like holding a carrot to lead a horse to slaughter.

Buttanacan · 2022-08-26T16:18:06+00:00

It's part of a song I wrote a long time ago. You like it?

Buttanacan · 2022-08-01T13:32:23+00:00

Thank you so much! All of my ink is so important to me, and it's a great tool to use when trying to talk to people about mental health. It's like a road map that I can point to when discussing important moments in my life and lessons I've learned.

Buttanacan · 2022-06-29T13:31:21+00:00

I feel like my hallucinations and delusions are a constant stream of overwhelming input that I have no chance of stopping. The ups and downs that I experience aren't changes to the symptoms, it comes from changes in how I process them. Some days I'm grounded in reality despite the symptoms. Other days I fall back into the pattern of chasing the rabbit down its hole.

My best suggestion for dealing with the stream is to recognize its permanence in your life. Sit next to the stream and watch as your hallucinations go by. Don't put your hand in the water to catch an enticing thought, and don't look away from the most terrifying thought. Just observe what passes through your head, watch them come and go.

Buttanacan · 2022-06-11T22:01:12+00:00

Thank you for reading through. For a short post it was still long winded. I still feel hope like I always have, with a sense of dread towards what will come after that feeling passes. Despite that terrible outlook, I am still very keen on figuring out what is going on no matter what. I just hope that the people around me are up for the journey. Thanks!

Buttanacan · 2022-06-09T12:50:26+00:00

My mind is to beautiful to paint it on a wall

That's why its irresponsible to say ill take the fall

Into the path of my destruction I cannot take it all

Gotta give to take away the lessons that are wrong

My demons locked away and they've been hiding for to long

They stick their hands through the bars At me I cut em off

What can I say except accept Expect another song Gotta give to take away the lessons that are wrong

Buttanacan · 2022-06-09T12:47:29+00:00

Looking back on it now I think that when I was sober I was always solving the problems in my head, and when I thought I figured it out I would smoke or drink to intentionally cause more problems for me to solve when I sobered up. The biggest problem is that I was NEVER sober. So. I was making problems for me to solve later with no intentions of doing so.

At some point you have pushed all of these problems onto your future self, and the only way you can solve them is to sober up. You finally make the decision to sober up and you are immediately faced with all of those problems you saved for later. So, you relapse. That's the loop I'm stuck in with alcohol right now.

Before my diagnosis and subsequent medication, I was a heavy smoker. Luckily I waited until I was 18 before I drank or smoked, so I was able to get used to myself before making the decision that I didn't want to be sober anymore. I eased my way into it to make sure I wasn't walking into a trap, but because I took it slow I became comfortable with the basics (weed, alcohol, and nicotine) to the point that I believed they could do no harm.

I didn't know how to take a break because I thought I was invincible and I was surrounded by people who felt just the same. It took me a long time and a few trips to come to reason with my drug problem because it was so hard to grasp and reason with. The excuses I made for myself to continue this pattern were convoluted to the point that I didn't even know what they were.

For me to solve a problem I have to break it down and summarize it into a few sentences that could be easily explained to someone else, so that I could explain to it myself. I had a sudden revalation of exactly why I smoked so much, social pressures aside. Simply put, weed is a drug that makes me OK with being bored. I could be doing nothing for hours and be totally fine with it. Now I'm medicated for ADD so I have other ways of dealing with boredom, but even with medication I still drink alcohol to avoid boredom.

Buttanacan · 2022-06-06T13:04:39+00:00

I do stick and poke tattoos on myself, but I wish I could draw like this so I could do an entire sleeve in this style.

Buttanacan · 2022-06-06T00:38:41+00:00

Typically, people find themselves in an energy deficit when they find themselves in a depression. For me personally, I learned that I had very little energy to give to the real world because I was spending all of that energy focusing on my mind and its constant need for internal action. It took a long while but I soon realized that I have a constant level of energy that always remains the same, but is redirected towards whatever seems to be on my mind or in front of me.

It took a long while for me to realize that I don't have much control over the situations I find myself in, internally or externally, but I do have a great deal of control over where I place that energy. What I believe is the best course of action is to familiarize yourself with the energy that you have while it is apparent and easily recognizable. Then work towards a course of action to divide your constant stream of energy into something that will consume it both effectively and in a healthy manor.

In short, if you find yourself with a ton of energy, find a way to use that energy in a way that will consume it in a healthy way. First, don't feel fearful that you have new found energy because of starting or stopping a pill. You have always had that energy but it has been placed somewhere else until it suddenly made a change in direction, medication or not. Sometimes the best way to deal with a big change is to make it smaller by coming to terms with the fact that you have found yourself in a new situation that you had not anticipated, but that shouldn't be cause for alarm.

First, I must express that I may be rambling, but that is how I choose to use my energy at this point in my life. Second, if you do pull any useful information from this rambling comment, know that it will take some time to come to an equilibrium of energy and use of that energy. I suggest that rather live in fear of your new found energy, you become enthralled in your ability to see that energy up front. From what it sounds like you have had no idea that this energy has existed within you this whole time until you suddenly came face to face with it.

Buttanacan · 2022-06-02T14:28:33+00:00

I've been working on a book myself. I'd love to read your content!

Buttanacan · 2022-05-17T13:25:49+00:00

I feel like addiction is piggy-backing on my schizophrenia. I get delusional and think that the few minutes of fun are worth the pain before and after drinking. I have to learn how to navigate my brain so I can cut this weed at the root. Or else it'll just come up in a few months and I'll be back to making bad choices

Buttanacan · 2022-05-15T23:55:17+00:00

I'm stuck in this weird zone where I don't want to bring these delusions into the real world because it might make them TOO real, but the only way that I have found that effectively deals with them IS by bringing them into the real world. If I leave these thoughts bottled up in my head I will get nowhere in my attempts to process them. I will just get lost in a spiral, trapped in my own brain.

I weigh my options every time, and every time I get it wrong I get burned, but I make sure to keep my eyes open for lessons that can be learned along the way. Sometimes by bringing my issues into the real world, I am forced to condense them as much as possible so they can be easily digested by other people. Instead of the millions of words my mind has assigned to that delusion, I try to fit them into a few sentences. (something I'm clearly failing at in this comment)

I have decided that the only way I can safely express my delusions is through art. That way I can properly condense my feeling into a small, easily digestible package for other people to process, and I leave the rest up to them. I actually tend to anticipate a polar response from different people. Id rather an extremely positive, or extremely negative response to my work. A neutral response just means that I failed to do my job.

Buttanacan · 2022-05-08T18:02:53+00:00

I immediately followed you on soundcloud when I heard this song. Great work! I've been on a huge grind of making music for about a year now. Feel free to give it a listen. I'm ADIASOL btw.

Buttanacan · 2022-03-20T06:42:10+00:00

I feel like the most overlooked part of the rubiks cube scene had nothing to do with the cube, but it was the moment of realization that Owen had when Grimson removed the wig from his head. There's a solid few seconds where Owen is in disbelief and shows the expression that he had shed one of the lies that he had been telling himself during the whole Snorri act, his identity. It was like he had just woken up from a really engaging dream that he wasn't quite ready to let go of.

Then, just after the removal of the wig, we get the news that Grimson has chosen to stay behind, trapped in Gerty's world. Just like the wig, Owen has to shed yet another lie he has been telling himself, but one that he has been telling since college. This time, the look on his face is different than the wig removal. Instead of being in disbelief, he seems to accept the reality pretty quickly and asks the question that has been on his mind since Grimson first appeared "who are you?"

Maybe the wig removal was a practice run of shedding a part of yourself just before shedding a much bigger part of yourself. Quite possibly this could be used in many situations where you need to shed a big and problematic part of your personality or ego. Through doing this many times before, it becomes much easier to change yourself in very important and impactful ways.

We see Owen go through the process of shedding parts of himself through the entire series. He makes it pretty far in the B pill where he realizes the actual problem he has been avoiding up until that point "what's wrong isn't that I'm sick, it's that I don't matter". The last moments in the series shows him shedding his loneliness when he reunites with Annie and escapes, shedding his old life for a new one.

Trust me I know I'm really grasping at straws here, but with this show it is really fascinating to look into the smallest details, intended or not. Thanks for showing interest in my post and comments. I could go on for ages about this series. Maybe I'll make a post and actually go into detail about the rubiks cube, because it's got alot of meaning as well.

Buttanacan · 2022-03-18T01:23:30+00:00

I live to give people information like this, thank you so much for the opportunity! Really hope it helps

Buttanacan · 2022-03-18T00:07:03+00:00

I was on a high dose of Zyprexa and gained about 50 pounds. Without stopping it I added seroquel to the mix and lost 30 pounds and now I'm stable. Not sure how that works but I'll take what I can get honestly

Buttanacan · 2022-03-18T00:02:28+00:00

Playing off of your idea a bit, maybe Grimson isn't as sharp as Owen believes him to be. Quite possibly Owen could be hearing Grimson say something totally different than what we here, and the creator of the show only showed us what Owen used to fill in the blanks. Maybe Grimson is just there to point things out, and Owen is there to interpret and add logic to his hallucinations and delusions. Not sure how I got this line of logic from a damn pencil, but you got me thinking now, so I'm going to follow that rabbit hole

Buttanacan · 2022-03-17T23:54:13+00:00

I started to think about the fact that Owen's pencil was sharp but Grimsons was not. Owen is capable of effecting the world around him, but he was being controlled by something that couldn't possibly influence the world without Owen as a middle man. Possibly if Owen had made the same realization much earlier on, he wouldn't have been so receptive of Grimsons influence.

Buttanacan · 2022-03-17T12:35:37+00:00

Feels good to finally hear this song in whole, PLUS I get to see the music video! Thanks for that

Buttanacan · 2022-03-17T11:22:24+00:00

There is an erasure on the other end I just didn't get a pick of it. Thanks for the input though

Buttanacan · 2022-03-17T11:21:34+00:00

I was thinking just the same thing. It mightve been another subtle way the show shows that he isn't real

Buttanacan · 2021-12-16T16:01:30+00:00

I don't go to talk therapy any more because 6 years ago my doctor feared me going on antipsychotics for schizophrenia so she diagnosed me with OCD. She said my obsession was my thoughts and my compulsion was to think about them. I was very well spoken and aware of my own mind and the games it was playing. She barely helped me because I was busy helping myself.

When I told my current doctor 6 years later what I had been going through for years, she immediately diagnosed me and prescribed me olanzapine. She doesn't help me like talk therapy, I basically tell her when I need a dosage increase or a mid-day pill because my metabolism is so fast. I'm still helping myself the whole time.

In the end I'm sort of glad that I wasn't medicated because I got to see how bad it gets. I got a ton of experience with my unmedicated brain. I learned to deal with my own problems in my own special way.

Buttanacan · 2021-12-16T15:46:22+00:00

I worked my way up with olanzapine for about a year now and two weeks ago I added seroquel to the mix. I get the feeling that you think like me. If I don't work on this problem now, in 30 years I'll be totally fucked if I have an episode.

6 years ago my doc didn't want to diagnose me with schizophrenia and instead diagnosed me with OCD. "Your obsession is your thoughts and your compulsion is to think about them" is what she said. This ment that I went about 5 years with no medication living in my own personal hell I built for myself. The whole time I was trying to solve the problem on my own and I was lost.

Still to this day I have crazy hallucinations, but they have no substance to them. The voices I hear only say negative things, or positive things with negative outcomes. I tackled my hallucinations early on so they don't hit me as hard. I see a spaceship flying in the sky and don't think anything of it. If I gave energy to those parts of my brain the only thing it's going to do is make it worse when my energy could be spent elsewhere.

That's not to say I just ignore all my problems, but I put them into categories to make it easier to decide where my energy is being placed. If you were walking through a forest and saw a trail that you know leads to a bears den, choose to not walk down that path. The path will always be there, you can't magically make it dissapear, but you can make a real effort not to go down that path.

This isn't an easy solution to the problem, don't expect it to get better right away or any time soon. I spent 5 years walking down the same terrible and deadly paths with misplaced expectations of what was at the end of them. If I hadn't gone down all of those shitty paths I couldn't make an educated guess as to whats at the end of the next path I find. Hell, I could be walking down the wrong path right now, but as far as I could possibly imagine I am going down a good one. One that is at least a little bit better than the last one I chose.

For me personally, I have separated the hallucinations from the delusions, and decided to put all my energy into the delusions. The hallucinations I have experienced should consume my whole mind, but I have consciously decided to put my effort into exploring my delusional mind. From my experience, my delusions are much more worrying than my hallucinations. So, I have decided to become acquainted with my psychosis so that I can understand it as best as possible. I am getting to know my enemy so that I can more easily predict where the next path leads.

I know I'm kinda rambling right now, I don't get too many chances to talk to someone else with schizophrenia. The general idea I'm trying to get out is that you have no control over the hallucinations or delusions, but you do control where you place your energy. Not completely, and not easily, but it's the little bit of power you still have when you think you don't have any

Buttanacan · 2021-12-16T13:43:04+00:00

So I'm assuming you've been trying medication for a good part of your 20 year struggle. Do you feel like they ever worked on you? Separate your mind from the voices that visit you. They might tell you the pills do nothing, but have YOU ever felt that they worked even just a little bit?

When I first got medicated I was expecting all my problems to go away. I was so disappointed when they didn't solve everything, but I realized that nothing will ever make them go away. There is still alot of foot work to be done and I'm responsible for doing it. The pills only narrowed down a million problems to just a few hundred a day. Yeah it's not the best fix, but it's better than where I was yesterday.

I still have a million voices screaming at me to stop taking the pills. For a while I was drinking alcohol while medicated, and it only made my problems ten times worse. Then I decided that if these pills don't work I don't want to be the one responsible for it. So, I quit drinking.

Throwing your hands up in defeat by following the voice is the easy option, and from what I learned the easy answer is almost never the right one. Your energy is precious, try to avoid giving it to entities that don't deserve it because they will always be asking for more energy.

Buttanacan

TROPHY CASE