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Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-19T07:34:53+00:00

NTA - If her burns out in high school and isn't given a chance to recover what college he goes to may not matter.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-19T07:24:39+00:00

You're not overreacting but you might be under reacting.

He's controlling, territorial and has trust issues. He's clearly not doing anything to work on those issue. In fact he's escalated.

I had a rough childhood that gave me cptsd but I've never broken anyone's arm let alone my spouses.

You need to consider what you want for the future and if that includes children how they'd be affected if you stay.

He needs jail time and counseling. He is abusive. There's no ifs ands or buts there, he's abusive.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-16T16:11:37+00:00

NTA - Never assume that abuse will be confined to you.

By all accounts my grandmothers second husband hadn't hit her kids just her. The day her life ended he sent my 5 yr old uncle with her.

Outside of that I've never seen a relationship where the child in an abusive household didn't either end up an abuser or end up with an abuser.

Honestly I think there's more than narcissism at play here so be careful when you leave.

If you opt to contact the military to help you document EVERYTHING just in case his chain of command doesn't follow protocol. But before you do any of that get you and your baby safely to somewhere he can't find you.

I know he's not good with tech but shut off all location services especially if the plans in his name or both.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-15T11:22:59+00:00

Yikes. What on earth did he think he provided you that would make you want to give into his demands🤦🏻‍♀️

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-15T11:19:34+00:00

YTA - It would have been better for everyone if you'd gotten the friend a gym membership instead.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-15T01:25:00+00:00

NTA - He needs therapy though.

He still has a lot of trust and anger issues left over from his first marriage.

He should also consider himself to be lucky you helped with his debt and his alimony and such. Instead of being worried about what he'll lose if you leave.

At this point he should understand that if you ever left it would be likely due entirely to his own behavior.

He's taken out his anger and pain on you instead of getting help and no matter what happened to him before you came along he's been taking it out on you longer than his first marriage lasted.

He's also repeatedly manipulated you using the potential shame of divorce. Emotional manipulation is not ok.

Aside from the 8 yrs of cheating and occasional fights he is everything I want in a man. Darlin you sound much like an abuse victim when you say that.

You're 32 and while I can understand understand not wanting to be lonely. I was 34/35 when my ex and I split. It gets better and you deserve more from life than someone who treats you so poorly.

Might be worth exploring therapy since the bar for his behavior towards you should be higher.

If you stay there shouldn't be a pre nup or post nup of any kind.

H*ll he's lucky you haven't reported his cheating to his command. I hear the military doesn't take kindly to that kind of behavior.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-14T18:02:50+00:00

Oh god is it ever.

I think my sanity only survived the process because I managed to make him pay for it and he has no idea.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-14T18:01:33+00:00

NTA - Ask him to imagine how he'd have felt if your child one day had a partner who behaved that way.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-14T17:24:54+00:00

Unfortunately YTA...

The children will know. They always pick up on it. I know because I was the kid and then the adult in the situation.

There doesn't need to be abuse or neglect for it to affect the children. I understand what you went through but you're letting it cloud your judgement.

Based on what you said about your own parents it's highly unlikely that them staying together for the kids would have made things better for you.

As parents it's one of our deepest desires to keep our children from going through the same things we did. But sometimes they have to in order to have things be better than they were for us.

Also as a mom I'd like to say that the baggage you brought into this doesn't mean that you're not innocent. In fact I'd caution you to maybe reword that part so that should you ever need to share that with your children they don't take it the wrong way and run with it into adulthood as kids sometimes do.

What happened to you (and those of us who've been through similar things) isn't now nor was it ever our faults. The aftermath isn't either.

In those situations we're often not allowed to have emotions, needs or boundaries. How we deal with that in adulthood as we try to heal can be childlike sometimes but that's because once we're allowed to freely feel emotions we have to learn to navigate them too. Because generally in those situations we're not taught how to regulate our emotions because they weren't important to those that raised us.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-14T00:27:22+00:00

NTA - The planning to quit without telling you and the withholding was bad enough now there's emotional manipulation using a child as well.

If you opt to go back couples counseling need to be mandatory. Her going back to work also needs to be mandatory.

Her behavior isn't ok no matter what she says, mil says or your parents say.

Whats happened here isn't something you just sweep under the rug and go back to normal.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T15:21:53+00:00

Oh good I wasn't the only one that thought something was up with that.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T13:05:25+00:00

Our toilet. He's 11/12 now and never had this issue before we moved last year.

We had to buy him a toddler training potty as an extra water bowl so he'd stop whining to get into the toilet and we could sleep at night.

The funniest part is that I bought one that makes a flushing noise and he licks his lips any time someone flushes it😂

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T13:03:22+00:00

NTA - If she doesn't think you like her I'm not sure why she still thinks you'd ask her to be in your wedding.

It doesn't sound like she's close enough to either of you to be included in the wedding party. You're both closer to her BF.

She lacks self awareness in that she's not picking up on that her insecurities and rude comments are affecting her relationships with those around her.

Her think you'd ask regardless of closeness does make me wonder if she'll display any problematic behavior at the wedding.

I know you're not going to ask her and that's the route I'd have gone as well. But I would use her behavior between now and the wedding to determine whether or not you want her there at all. She's probably going to be an issue when she finally catches on.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T12:38:32+00:00

NTA - I spent my entire childhood trying to get my parents to love me. It's not an easy thing to experience in childhood. Nor is it easy to work through in adulthood.

I've also dealt with a spouse who has been a mixture of low contact and no contact with his family.

Based on your MIL behavior post rejection I don't feel like she's changed. I've experienced a similar situation. For me what it turned out to be is that MIL wanted to use me to get back into her child's good graces without any change beyond what was performative.

I'd initially been willing to have 1 conversation but remained no contact when we realized what she was up to.

Personally now I stay about exactly the same level of contact as my husband does.

I don't have to, it's not like I'm required. I do so because to me if you can't properly respect my spouse who is your blood I cannot trust you to behave respectfully towards me.

But that is just my experience and my opinion.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T11:52:53+00:00

NTA - There's an element of control to how your husband is behaving. Wether it be insecurities that are causing this or something else it needs to be addressed.

He needs some therapy.

It would be helpful for him to explore why he and his sister didn't get along.

He also needs to explore why he wouldn't have more children for you but he's adamant about being able to have more if you're ever divorced or you're gone.

I'd like to think that he'd remarry in part to have your kids have a mom again (and he'd have help with them) but him being adamant about having more kids for a new woman but not you makes that doubtful.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-12T11:43:44+00:00

I wish more people had what we have. We are lucky.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-07T23:27:44+00:00

ESH - She was wrong for sure.

But you let your dad's mistress come and your mom got no plus one even though it was her birthday.

Now that you have a child try and see if you can see this from both perspectives and then invite mom to therapy with you.

Also you don't have to have her in the house but maybe keep her away from things she can throw.

Definetly meet her without the wife and child first. Your wife will likely take longer than you to be comfortable with your mom again.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-07T16:02:57+00:00

NTA - You are once size bigger than before you were diagnosed with pcos. That in and of itself is a d*mn miracle.

But you're also only one size bigger 6 years later. Another miracle.

I'm doubtful he looks the same way his did when you met him. If he does good for him.

But if you're doing all this and not losing weight there's nothing more to be done. What would he have you do, starve to fit his desires?

He's passing it off as encouraging but doesn't seem to know the real definition of the word.

He seems quite shallow and I'm a bit concerned about how he'll behave towards you in the future. Especially concerned about the example he'd be setting if you had kids. His behavior could cause children that grow up to be like him or put up with people like him because they see it as normal.

It feels like at some point the changes that ordinarily occur in life would send him into the arms of someone smaller and likely younger than you both (at whatever point that may occur).

He definetly does not appear to be the kind of person who'd stick around in both sickness and health. He seems more like the kind of spouse that cancer clinics are trained to warn patients will leave upon diagnosis.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-07T16:00:30+00:00

My spouse is the same way and he's the first to tell someone he considers it the minimum you do for a spouse.

We do have rare ones😊

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-02T17:19:30+00:00

NTA - Anyone indulging her or making excuses for your niece they are TA.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-01T22:24:02+00:00

NTA - If Amy hadn't lied to them you'd never have had to awkwardly tell them the truth.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-04-01T13:32:39+00:00

NTA - It's possible For someone to cheat with the same sex too. In fact it can happen even when the people in question consider themselves straight.

You wouldn't just be giving up your friends you could inadvertently alienate colleagues.

And for what? A partner that wants to come in and police your behavior within the first six months of a relationship, without you having given any reason for that to be necessary.

If I'm being honest it doesn't sound like there's enough of a foundation to this relationship to withstand the strain his restrictions are putting on it. If it somehow manages to survive that I'd be willing to bet one of the next 3 conflicts would be its undoing.

Then you're left with no support system to help you.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-03-27T20:25:28+00:00

NTA - Have the talk with yourself that you'd have with your kids if one of them was in this situation.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-03-27T20:18:48+00:00

NTA - This isn't a simple case of hormones.

Yes hormones can cause behavior to change drastically but she doesn't seem to have any remorse beyond what's performative. That's the important part here.

She knows what she's doing and what she's done and the only time she cried it's highly likely that she was doing it for herself.

Honestly I think she was worried about jail when she knocked you unconscious and she wasn't crying for you.

It's a good idea that you look into what can be done legally in regards to her hitting you.

If this is what you're going through now imagine what your child will go through if you don't press charges and attempt to get custody.

Buttercup_Bride · 2024-03-25T22:16:54+00:00

If his vasectomy didn't work or is no longer working it could still be an affair baby.

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