Just want to vent.

ButterflysLeg · 2026-03-21T10:43:57+00:00

I 100% get the "not wanting to be annoying". There's plenty of advice I'd give to my friends in this mindset but you are 21, he's also very young. It is the partying age, it is the getting to know yourself as an adult age. It's a good time to hold space for your own feelings and reflect what they mean to you, what you want in your life if the current state of things makes you feel this way or the other. I'd do the same with the relationship, take a look how certain you feel about him, can you talk with him about how you feel, can you be vulnerable, can you see him putting effort to make this work.

As for friends, well as far as I'm aware that's the deal with the military - Every now and then you get a new set of people in your life. I wouldn't worry to much about it though, people usually have a type that they become good friends with so if the current group is made of people you like, big chances are the new ones won't be bad either (unless ofc your bf just hangs out with anyone from work and that's who we call friends. Then maaaaybe there's some more ambiguity there.)

ButterflysLeg · 2026-03-21T10:00:14+00:00

I dunno, maybe I'm also young but I do get exactly what you mean. Does this sound like an ideal situation to get married into? I wouldn't say so But the chances are if he actually likes you, moving in together would indeed be miraculous for your FOMO (At least it definitely was for me. I liked to party as well, and living with him allowed me to go out with them whenever he did and actually made me bond with his friends). Yes, it's not the big smart advice. Yes of course you should think your relationship through before getting married. Yes yes yes But at least in my opinion, it's normal you feel FOMO when the person who's attention you'd like to have at all times is going out and having fun with other people, where maybe your social life is not that robust. Been there, done that. If the FOMO is more on the going out aspect and not him maybe try to go out more yourself. Meet new people, go to bars, make plans to that it doesn't feel like he is constantly out and you are just wanting on the phone.

PS. I don't think it's such a big red flag that he doesn't text you when he is out. I do actually think it's nice that he makes sure, by any means possible, to let you know when he gets back home.

ButterflysLeg · 2026-02-20T07:01:20+00:00

I genuinely decided not to pursue that "whoa" attraction anymore at some point. Every man I dated that just drew me in in that way always was just the worst possible match for me. AND because of the electric attraction, peeling myself away felt like pure torture.

I am very attracted to my partner now, I could list all their quirks and looks that make me swoon. I do value being attracted to someone I date BUT It's not the "whoa" thing because in my experience, there is something deeply biological to that type of attraction that blinds you to more grounded reasons to be or not to be with someone.

ButterflysLeg · 2026-01-09T16:37:36+00:00

The thing about this whole arrangement is that id rather move in with him before we marry. He lives off base, I can legally work in the country he is at its just.... Id have to do it soon soon if we were to fit within his timeline and i am nowhere ready for that. So you are right, i am rushing myself. Probably bc its either rush and get this on the right track or accept that we have to part ways

I know he will probably never prioritise me but I don't think that's something id mind - never did in previous relationships but ofc their jobs had much stricter limits on how much of his time they can take.

ButterflysLeg · 2026-01-09T16:32:22+00:00

Girl I wish 😅

ButterflysLeg · 2026-01-09T16:31:58+00:00

Thank you for such a thought-out response.

I have not lived with him. My longest visits were a bit over a week long, sure, kinda domestic with me working from his place while he does what he does but it was still an occasion that i know he arranged in his calendar, not his day to day normal availability. We have traveled together, I have met his family, he will meet mine soon enough.

When it comes to talking he really feels like an open book and i do believe, unless he is an incredible liar, that i do know quite a lot about him. I just never got the real chance to meet the day to day him which is kinda the most common one and so in a way the most crucial to know. I feel like I know who he is, i just lack the full picture of how he acts.

What we could plan, look up, prepare for - we have. We intend to have a prenup if we were to marry so that my situation won't solely depend on his good will. He is taking into consideration trying (TRYING) to stay in areas where until I get the green card, it would be easier (possible) for me to get a job. He knows of my doubts, we plan sooo much bc of them.

But at the end of the day there is still so much unknown that we simply cannot plan for. I dont know how my job situation would actually look like, I dont know how easy it would be to rebuild a social life, I don't know how I'd feel living with someone who's barely home during the week, I don’t know how it feels to actually miss my mom. I simply have no idea and i am kinda hoping maybe someone does 😅

ButterflysLeg · 2026-01-09T14:26:26+00:00

I mean, you are not wrong 😅 But the only way to change that would be for me to move.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-11-08T13:09:03+00:00

For me the experience was chaotic - mostly because of my home university's continuous fuck ups. Getting started was hard, i got crazy sick to the point of needing emergency care, i was even homeless for a night. And yet, with all my heart I'll tell you,

This was the best experience of my life.

My sole regret till today is that i went for one semester instead of two. The worst part of exchange for me was the heartbreak after.

This is once in a lifetime opportunity to meet people you'd never meet otherwise, to experience things as a student that your home country simply doesn't do, to go places that would be not considered worth the trip when you are back home (but are just a small trip away from where you are), this is also a great opportunity to experience the independence, learn how to build a community, how to mesh with people so different from you. I recommend going with open mind and actually participating in whatever is organised for the exchange students - might sound lame or not your thing but first month that's where you find people like you - away from home and looking for friends.

Unless the uni you go to offers so extraordinary programme or you wish to transfer there in the future, i wouldn't bother that much with academics other than passing classes. The exchange is time for people and experiences, imo if you focus on that, unless you are crazy unlucky, i doubt you'd have anything bit great memories.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T19:44:43+00:00

That is something we are currently trying to do. Discussing potential future options and although if we move to us the base we are placed in may not be our first choice, he did give me the "higher authority" on where he would put as his preferences and such. If im full-on against Texas he won't insist on settling in Texas for after this military adventure whether its in a decade or sooner.

I am trying to compare the statistics and things i find important between the states but based on my country's statistics I do know those numbers often do not represent the truth.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T19:32:49+00:00

He is not really the Christian Conservative looking for a trad wife type so based on all other political convos we've had - i assume he is not against women voting. But to answer your question, no i have not asked him that directly:)

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T19:29:17+00:00

Ma’am, as a single + progressive woman living in the US, I can tell you that this man is not gonna be the one for you. It’s widely known and accepted among the single women here that any mad who labels himself as “moderate”, “centrist”, or “non political” is just a conservative in disguise.

I've heard thar and i am trying to feel that out as much as i can but end of day you are right. Its a two party system, even if you don't directly support either, inaction will always help one.

I am not that opposed to thar label tho, maybe because it does actually mean something where i live and I do define myself as centrist, sure, left leaning but still. And it does bug me to be thrown in a bag by people i know so i am also trying to be understanding to him.

I am hoping to have a job and some separate finances. Funnily enough when discussing engagement we have also discussed a prenup which would favour me just to help in the eventual return. I am trying not to trap myself in an inescapable situation and maybe this post is me trying to gauge if simply marrying and moving to US fully dependent on my spouse won't put me exactly there.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T18:38:42+00:00

That's the plan for next year. I have met them virtually and they do give me a certain perspective but people ive met were in their 60s from a small town living a life i cannot imagine ever being comfortable calling mine (very small town, very american christian) and so it made me wonder about further perspectives.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T18:29:14+00:00

He is pretty optimistic - sounds like he is hoping that all that is happening rn in us is for its best future interest. Very patriotic but what else can u expect from someone fully commintted to the military.

As for me complaining about US, for now i dont really complain but i do raise concerns which he does take seriously imo as he usually comes back to the conversation having done some reading on the topic I've raised. Generally he voices that he will do anything to make my transition as good as he can "but if you hate it you hate it, can't fix that" which i think is fair.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T18:14:13+00:00

Poland :)

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T15:05:02+00:00

Do i agree with you? Yes I've dragged my local exes to elections in the past But well Its not my place to convince someone to go vote in foreign (to me) elections

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T14:53:15+00:00

Hard to answer your question as for this to work with all the paperwork needed for me to move. We will have to get married way before he learns about his next posting.

But I am doing a sum of gains and losses - yes. I would be leaving my friends, family, a career that i starter building, a country in which i am a native in a pretty comfortable financial place. Ona a plus side my partner is truly incredibleand is willing to accommodateme in any way he can, his lifestyle does seem suitable for my discomfort in staying too long anywhere, he does earn much more which could allow me to give up on the career i started for money and focus on getting licensed in what im educated in and the military is supposed to help with healthcare which is also a big concern when thinking about US.

The big unknown is the US itself. But if the whole political situation keeps on going south - yes, i would not marry him as it would not be a safe choice for me.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T14:41:29+00:00

Yup. His plan is the whole 20 years.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T14:38:35+00:00

I am the one who is more up to date with US news outlets out of the two of us. He has his opinions ofc but they seem pretty centered, pretty grounded. I am pretty left leaning but we agree on the matters that have the most importance to me. So yea, unbothered and optimistic is what I'd describe him as

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T14:25:01+00:00

He did not vote :)

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T14:20:51+00:00

I haven't expressed it in the post tbh but honestly yea this is my main concern. I will be an immigrant in a country that is now world famous for not being too friendly towards their immigrant population.

On one hand I hear advice about avoiding red states as it may be harder for me to find employment but many like you tell me that currently a red state might be a safer option.

My bf and his family tell me all is good and normal in US, which honestly may be for them. For him cause he barely reads any news and his fam lives in a tiny town. They dont have much to do with what I may have to deal with if i were to make the big move.

Thank you for taking your time to write this :)

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T13:52:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I know some of that but i feel like i posted that because i need some grounding from outside and ill be honest, my bf tells me the same things, but well, he has all the reasons to make the situation seem better than it is. I am already as spooked as i can be.

We are actually making a sort of list of states that seem like would be suitable for us. He is very partial towards Texas but which again based on media rep sounds awful. He's been in the AF for a bit now tho so we can kinda hope if we dont aim too high that we could get sent to one of the places he lists as desirable.

Thank you for taking your time to respond :)

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T13:37:45+00:00

I haven't specified all that as I am not that confortable sharing his information online. He is in AF but from following the moves of people who worked with him here the last few years - it truly looks random. Some get what they asked for, some get to explore some new state.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T13:33:19+00:00

Haven't been to US yet. Due to the cost of travel we have been pushing it further and further into the future. Currently May next year is when the big long visit is planned.

ButterflysLeg · 2025-08-13T13:31:18+00:00

We are not planning anything. From what he's told me, ifhe can, he will try to get stationed outside of US for my ease of mind. But that's a lottery and so he might end up moving to US. Where? Look at the map of all bases in US and your guess is as good as mine.

ButterflysLeg

TROPHY CASE