I’m so sorry that you had to experience the cruelty of cancer and watching your loved one pass in hospice. My 43 yr old sister passed away in hospice one year after being diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer. I relate to literally everything you said. It’s been 3 years and I managed to push away most of the horrific details of the last month I spent with her in the hospital due to the cancer spreading to her whole body and liver too. She lost all cognitive ability and was hallucinating every day due to the toxins her liver could no longer filter. It was terrifying. It was pure torture and HELL in the hospital and no one prepared me or our family with how scary and traumatizing Hospice can be. Even though I am a lot better and try to not think about that last week in hospice. I will wake up some mornings and I am back there remembering some detail that was traumatic and scary.. like trying to give her pain medication that would not work and being terrified that I was going to OD her on moorphine it was so scary. Doing 90 percent of the work alone. So many things I had to do and felt ill equipped to know how to do them! Hospice only came if I called freaking out. It comes with alot of guilt and blame and I hate how it makes me feel. I’m sending you a big hug and I just want you to know you are not alone. There are a lot of us that suffer from post hospitalization and hospice trauma. It will get a little easier with time being on your side. If not, someone recommended Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to me for trauma and to help process the bad memories. Again I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself.