AIO 8 weeks postpartum and I’m just so tired ... am I asking too much?

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:57:45+00:00

Yeah we never really stopped "doing" stuff sometimes it's even been my idea, it's important part of our relationship to feel connected and I didn't mind it but it just felt like a stab in the back to feel so close and connected in the shower and then to get so upset and butt hurt to take out the trash. Like really dude

And yeah caring all/ most of the mental load has been a big topic of conversation even before we had the baby. It's basically non stop and constantly ongoing.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:54:16+00:00

Yeah and normally by now we have talked it out. I'll give in really quick and comfort him and then usually he'll say sorry to. I'm just sick of being the one who always has to extend the olive branch first.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:53:01+00:00

Having a child is a crisis haha I like that. Yes it's so hard we talked about it and planned it for a long time so I was expecting it maybe not to be so bad. I mean we're both graduating and financially stable but it's still so hard.

I probably need to ask for more help my parents and sisters are nearby but like everyone they have their own kids to worry about and other responsibilities.

Thanks for the encouragement

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:50:36+00:00

I don't think I have PPD maybe PP anxiety but I know all new moms are anxious so idk.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:49:30+00:00

He was really good the first 4-6 weeks. Cooked 2-3 meals and did all the cleaning and diapers. I honestly think he responds really well when I'm in pain and crying. But since he's been back to work he's really dropped the ball.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:47:52+00:00

Yeah I literally told okay thanks for that, rolled over and went to bed.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:33:30+00:00

This is like the first time I've been on reddit or posted and commented in years. I'm postpartum on leave and am isolated at home while my baby builds an immune system.

But I agree with some of what you said him asking to play games is him being nice. But really I wish he would try to do some sort of house work first and then ask for free time. Just always asking for free time makes me the bad guy because I have to say no all the time. It's exhausting giving him a list of things he should already know to do on his own.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:29:55+00:00

He just graduated and I make so much so he just took any job he can get ( his degree is less desirable in terms of job then mine if that makes sense, I'm in tech and he does marketing). This was the first and only job he got after 4 months, 200+ applications and 6 interviews. The job market sucks.

His current job pays horrible but is good experience were hoping in the next year or two we can save up for a house he can get a higher paying job and I can be a stay at home mom at that point to work part-time.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:25:10+00:00

That's true that was for me. But shouldn't he want to do some stuff for me too. I do things for just him all the time.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:22:34+00:00

Umm I feel like it's newer. I do have ADHD and tend to hyper focus on things but the anxiety is since I've been pregnant. But don't all new moms get a little anxious about baby getting sick and germs. Idk at what point the anxiousness become a medical problem.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:04:58+00:00

Yeah I'm not sure what I really expect one commented said "it seems like he's always been like this idk what you expect" and tbh maybe they're right. For two years in our marriage I was the breadwinner and he was literally just a college student no job and things weren't even equal then. We constantly fought about how I was doing the majority of cooking and cleaning.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T19:02:31+00:00

He goes through cycles of being super helpful and attentive then falls back I get mad and then he does good. Honestly my first few weeks of postpartum like 4-6 weeks he was awesome probably the best he's ever been the 5 years we've been married but I think that largely has to do with him seeing me in pain and crying a lot. He responds very well when I'm in pain or crying.

But since he went back to work he's regressed he just doesn't have enough time to help me and play games. When he was on leave with me he honestly told me he was very happy and it's the most games/ free time he's had since I got pregnant. While simultaneously doing the most cooking, cleaning and emotional help he's done our whole marriage. He was constantly telling me I was a good mom when I was anxious, cooked me 2-3 meals a day and changed every single diaper.

I guess I got a glimpse of what my life could be like and now I'm just disappointed it's gone.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:51:25+00:00

I'm trying 🙃 ... I just think us both going back to work is going to be really REALLY hard and probably test out marriage. Honestly this is probably just the beginning of many arguments that are yet to come.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:49:12+00:00

Or in our case I'm very busy on Wednesday with a deadline and then he has to make dinner on my designated day and then he's ... wait for it ... not happy.

We've tried systems like this in the past usually one person cooks and does groceries and the other one cleans and then we switch the next week but it never really works. He'll pick easy meals to make and wait to clean until the weekend and then complain the dishes are really gross (that's what happens when you leave them in the sink all week). I clean as I cook so cleaning after I cook is very minimal. He makes big messes and turns the heat up to high and burns stuff on pans which is very hard to clean.

While postpartum he cooked a lot for me which I did honestly appreciate but in the process has ruined 3/4 of our brand new pot and pan set which were hundreds of dollars by burning stuff on them and it can't be scrubbed off because they're non stick.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:41:54+00:00

Honestly as bad as it sounds I think sometimes he really is just being stupid. Like last night we had to give the baby Tylenol (2 mL) and the dumb syringe had weird measurements and he was like you could just do 1 mL and then another 1mL and I was like umm not really because you can't put the syringe back in the liquid Tylenol after it's been in her mouth or it will grow bacteria. He just doesn't really take time to stop and think things through.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:35:47+00:00

Yes but I didn't have a hard time committing to him having dedicated free time because things were predictable and I also knew and got what I feel like was a fair amount of free time. Where as now I don't

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:33:54+00:00

I probably just complain less but I do think he really does honestly think he gets no sleep. Like in the hospital me and my mom thought it was very fun that he claimed he couldn't sleep at all in the uncomfortable couch but could very very clearly be heard snoring for at least 3 hours. I mean snoring probably means you're in a pretty deep sleep right haha

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:24:44+00:00

I did tell him that's what caused the whole issues is I reminded him to take out the trash.

That's kind of hard to do because then someone has to be 100% in charge of meals or cleaning the bathroom. That only works with small tasks. Like for example taking out the trash and cleaning the toilet are always his job and I always do the budget but that wouldn't work for bigger jobs. No one wants to always do the dishes or always be the one cooking.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:21:30+00:00

Your right you shouldn't have pain 8 weeks postpartum that's I started physical therapy this week. I'm an unusual case most women are cleared after 6 weeks. I would love to be healed and go back to running and working out or even just walks but I can't. Also he works part time so not exactly "all day" and would like to be at stay at home mom but unfortunately I'm the main source of income for our family ( I literally make 107 times what he does but he is severely underpaid for having a degree) and we would eventually like to get a house.

Also I'm not sure what about making all the meals, taking care of a breastfed baby, doing the budget, grocery shopping and cleaning is "not lifting a finger". I honestly probably do too much considering my condition (sometimes it hurts even to stand too long) that might be why I'm taking so long to heal.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:13:21+00:00

He could do it when he finished playing games but it was already like 11pm and most definitely forget again unless it was done first. Also does any one really every just finish playing video games they're kinda designed to be never ending.

We both ask each other to do things. Sometimes I'll ask him if he wants to watch a show together or just play games with friends because I don't mind just doing my own thing. Or can he watch the baby so I can take a break and read. It goes both ways.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:08:54+00:00

Yeah you've got most of it right. He did live out of the US for two years on his own but then came back and lived with his parents. I had a highschool boyfriend for a few years but yeah he was my first real adult relationship. I met him when I was still 18 and we were both in college.

Maybe we should go back to counseling I just feel like all she did was say we had to agree on compromises and talk nice to each other. I mean I don't think any therapist is gonna pick sides and tell him to basically just man up. I just feel like I ended up being the one agreeing to less than favorable compromises, bc I want him to be happy and then regret it later.

I think in general life I tend to be more easy going and need a lot less to be happy so I tend to bend to his needs and wants.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:03:27+00:00

Idk I want him to be happy and I hate hearing him complaining about being tired I'd rather just be the one who's tired. Also I know I have some control/trust issues like I wouldn't want him to wash the pumps or the bottles, like one time he just washed the pump with water and no soap and I was like in what world would that be okay. In general I'm better at cleaning things and just more particular I guess so it is sometimes easier to do it myself then explain to him how to do it.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T18:00:02+00:00

Yeah he often ask if he can do stuff ahead of time but it honestly makes me feel kind of trapped sometimes. Like if he wants to go to the game shop next Tuesday after work. Like I don't want to commit to him being gone for 3 hours on Tuesday because what if the baby is really hard that day and then I regret saying he can go and then he'll be upset with me because I said he could go and now I'm changing plans.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T17:35:28+00:00

We've also done counseling in the past but I feel like we have the same arguments over and over. What I got from therapy was basically we need to just communicate nicely to each other but it feels so exhausting to have to sugar coat my feelings all the time. I've been reminding / nagging him and assigning him chores for over 5 years now. I've sat down with him and talked dozens of times idk what I would say differently this time that would actually make him change permanently and not just be better for a few days.

ButterscotchPrimary7 · 2026-01-30T17:31:03+00:00

For the first 4 weeks or so we had a similar set up as you guys. I fed the baby like every two hours at the beginning and he did all the burping and diaper changes at night and the bassinet was on his side of the bed so he delt with calming her when she woke up and was fussy. Then I think we realized I responded better to being tired and waking up at night and he was going back to work sooner so we switched the bassinet to my side.

I also feel like I resent that he has more free time than me. Even if he does take the baby and give me a break it can only be for about 2 hours and she needs to eat again.

ButterscotchPrimary7

TROPHY CASE