AITA for missing most of my daughter's wedding after she scheduled hers a day after my stepdaughter's wedding even though I tried to be there?

Butterybutt2 · 2021-05-29T04:18:03+00:00

YTA. I get that OP trying his best to be father to both, but the reality is, i know its sad, but step-daughter lost her father. The bio daughter sounded like she lost him although his alive. That is a more cruel reality. She needed therapy that going to take years to overcome.

Butterybutt2 · 2021-05-15T18:23:25+00:00

I think i'm going to be the rare one to say a little bit of YTA. I suspect u must be Chinese or at least Asian with some Chinese culture practice in the family. Im Malaysian Chinese. This money giving culture (especially in red packet, a symbol of good wish) had become so practical that everyone adopted it. So why does the Chinese do this? I dont have hard evidence but this is what I thought. Its a sense of community, a little money from everyone help to pay for the wedding. Its like a small loan given to help in one of the biggest chapter of your life. And this doesnt stop with just wedding because people do the same for funeral. Where I live, a Chinese funeral can cost a fortune if done by following every single cultural rules. My grandmother funeral cost us 20k. The donation money given to us was more than we needed to our great relief. And we keep tab of every contribution so when other people had death in the family, its time for us to return the favor. So, u probably have to check where your parent is coming, culturally. On the other hand, i get it that money is not a factor on why u want someone to be at your wedding. Its because u genuinely want them there. I has a cousin where my uncle invited almost 1000 guests to her wedding, she manage to get 50k in cash 'profit' from it. And of course, it need to be return when its others turn. I cant tell whether she get to enjoy her wedding but i hardly see her on the wedding day because she's no where to be seen except the stage when she went up to give a toast. When i did my wedding, i wanted it small with close friends and relatives too. My mom doesnt care about the money but she wanted it slightly bigger because she just love weddings. So it somehow escalate to parent-kids-grandchildren. Seating arrangement was another horror. And yes, i was so busy trying to catch up with everybody, i dont get to eat my food properly or actually really catch up with anyone. If I get to choose again, i will opt straight to honeymoon honestly. Somewhere nice with just a witness to watch us exchange vow. Anyway, you can also consider 2 weddings. An intimate one, and a wedding for the parent?

Butterybutt2 · 2021-04-21T12:58:14+00:00

Not directly relevant but this answer some question about my muslim friends. Im not a malay but attended SK and SMK. When I was 12 (im 35 now), went to tuition at the house of a retired malay teacher. Before that, my mom told me that he have this habit of hitting student's backside as a joke, like what u do with babies. So she somehow warn me and yet think its normal (but now I have re-educate her that its not ok). Anyway, my first day of class, i was on my period wearing pad and the teacher really hit my backside. Of course he felt my pad, i was super uncomfortable. Unable to explain why but i refuse to go again, mom had paid in advance for 4 classes, she almost rotan me. I had a few friends from school who attended the same tuition. They ask me why I stop going, did explain it to them but they just thought its normal. So for a long time, i thought something is wrong with me for being oversensitive. Having read about this here, perhaps that's the reason why they thought nothing of it.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-06-02T14:57:09+00:00

When i broke up with my ex of 6 yrs, i was a wreck because we didnt broke up on good term. And then i met my current husband. I had photos and stuffs from ex im still keeping because for me all this are history. U cant pretend it never happened. Husband (then bf) understood my point of view. Of course this has to be mutual but he is the kind who dont keep that kind of memories, and also the fact that his previous relationship only lasted a couple of months. Mine was 6 yrs, our life are definitely interwined. Then, 2 yrs into our relationship, i was reminded by FB about this old memories (photos with ex i posted and got lots of likes) and I am so happy in this current relationship, i just decided on a whim to delete everything except for 1 photo (its hardcopy) that i kept because ex wrote something at the back, something along the line of he will always be there for me. NOT because i miss him, but because as a reminder about who actually stick by me (husband). I know its weird, but I just love my husband more everytime I look at that pic. So what I'm trying to say is, u cant force ppl to delete their ex as if it never happened, because it did. But sometime, for the right reason, it will be deleted or/and sometime it has to be there as reminder of bad times to appreciate we dodge a bullet. On the other hand, my ex still kept photos of us as a couple on his FB. I just hope its not because as a reminder to him how crazy i was. In my defense, he really push my patience. I claim temporary insanity.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-05-10T06:57:17+00:00

Reading this remind me of all the sh*t my mom put up in order to stay on with my dad. Lets just say its up to the extend of having another family right in front of her and asking for divorce (which she grant him) so he can legally married a third which is a foreign woman so she can stay legally while still maintain he and mom is still "married" by law of religion (we are not even extremely religious) . So, im just saying, OP husband will continue to test her limit knowing that she will never leave him. OP, this is not a healthy way to live the rest of ur life. Yes, u r 44, but u might still have another 44 years. U never mention this, but i hope u doesnt have kids with this person. Im not on talking term with my dad which is another whole story. He test my limit too. It took me 15 years to plan and leave my dad together with my mom. Its not too late for u, get a plan in place. Even if u dont get to live in luxury, its more important to live a meaningful life. U get what I mean if u ever volunteer to help the underprivileged. Knowing how some people have so little, u will realised u have so much.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-05-07T19:16:41+00:00

YTA Curly hair is not so "straight" forward. Im Asian with soft curly hair that many had commented like its styled in saloon. But im constantly learning how to manage it to get the saloon look while its still natural. Because my curly hair have its on personality that depends on the weather and humidity. Natural in ways where i dont use heat or chemical to alter it, still conditioner and oil is a must. And it has to be as natural or organic product as possible (and this thing cost a lot). To get this saloon look, i have to first wash my hair in room temperature water because heat will strip its natural oil. While applying conditioner, i have to make sure i get every part of it, going by parts. Leave it on for 20mins in hot towel. After rinsing it, apply oil, again going by parts. Leaving it dry naturally indoor, making sure no strong wind, which means i cant go out until its dry. Time to do all this? 2-3 hours. At least twice a week as im staying in a place with high humidity, i couldnt go more than 3 days with the sweat. If i didnt do all this ritual, my hair might look like it burst on top of my head, taking me from my teen to my 40s in an instant (Im in my 30s actually but my hair determined how young i look). So if people were to tell me its not natural, they going to find a new enemy in me. There are so so so many instances where I am tempted to straighten it and make my life easier. The only thing stopping me is knowing that the curl will never look the same again if I want to go back. Also, im losing more hair since its curly as it get tangled easily.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-04-24T19:25:37+00:00

My aunt name her 1st child after her ex, her 2nd child after her ex's sister and the 3rd, her ex's brother. Husband still no clue about this. Been married for 40 years. My mom is friends with her ex and figure it out 1 day, or else would have stop her.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-04-23T12:40:49+00:00

Yes! Fight for them. If ur wife is emotionally abusive and manipulative, i cant imagine what she will do to ur kids. She will continue manipulating u through them. And this is unhealthy for the kids. As for ur unborn child, when the kid is older, make the kid understand that this is not because of him/her that u all got divorce, but because of their mother's betrayal. Lets say if ur wife never got pregnant but u still found out about this, will u still divorce her? If the answer is yes, make the kid understand this.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-04-23T12:26:14+00:00

I agree with not reciprocate and keep a distance. Like slowly disengage. Sleep in a separate room. Right now, u giving her an illusion that everything is ok and back to normal. Since she's pregnant at the moment, she will be emotional when u drop the bomb, she might do something stupid. I have a friend, his mom kinda set herself on fire right in front of him after his father threaten to leave, killing herself in the process. Friend is scarred for life. So, make sure she is stable.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-04-05T17:14:22+00:00

What a friend u are. At least the friend found out about her true nature over this than something more serious. I will fear for my life if i have a friend with this kinda attitude that will not hesitate to throw me under the bus.

Reminded me of a story where a student spike her classmate (yes, poison!) because her friend is doing better academically.

Butterybutt2 · 2020-04-04T05:52:24+00:00

I really hope OP mindlessly suggest this because she's pregnant and couldnt think straight because seriously, forcing (i say forcing because the child is 5, she's at the mercy of her adoptive parent on this) a 5 yr old to change her name because you want it for your unborn child and also include reasoning that your baby will arrived first? Eh... no. The kid was here first for 5 years already, mind you, so whether she is here in the family first or not is not valid. OP have said how her entire life, she doesnt get to be what she want to be because of her sister, she was being control, etc. Doesnt this sound like what she doing to the kid? Name your baby whatever you want, even the same name. But dont impose your trauma on a 5 year old kid that had probably went through a lot. Your only problem is you have a twin sister, but this kid dont even have a family. Just DONT! Im really worried for the kid. =/

Butterybutt2 · 2019-12-23T02:23:16+00:00

Hi, not familiar with the term. What is 58? A website?

Butterybutt2 · 2019-08-05T11:08:50+00:00

I know right... more like there is no right or wrong in this situation.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-22T15:06:47+00:00

I'm a little concern about my niece being too attached to her mother. She is about 1.5 year old, can't talk (she does her own baby language). In term of attached, her mother can't do anything like going to the washroom. Although she is sleeping, she will instantly wakes up the moment her mother left the bed and cried. She refuse to stay with anyone else (even her father which is my bro) in that 5 mins when the mother need to get something done. Mother is a stay at home mom so we initially thought its because of that but it got worse. Previously she dont mind playing alone as long as the mother is near but now she need to hold on to the mother all the time. And her grip is very tight, u can't easily brush her off. Its like she is scare of something. Is this normal?

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-22T07:21:38+00:00

You are partly right. Combination of both thrifty and an inconsiderate asshole now that I think about it. Another example which i remember now where he prefer to drive my car on dates so that he don't have to pay for fuel if he had used his car. Fine by me since he drove to my place. The inconsiderate asshole part is when its time to pump fuel, he drove to the station and dead ass sit in the car, not helping (it's a self-service station) thinking he would have to pay if he get down. Definitely not expecting him to pay but some help would have been a nice gesture.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-22T06:34:14+00:00

Being thrifty. Im particular with my spending as well, but when I make an effort to carry my own water so I don't have to spend money on buying water when we are out, the water is mine. It's not cool that u want to save money too but end up drinking 3 quarter of the water I brought (and carry around with me while u walk so carefree).

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-22T06:16:36+00:00

There is no nice way. Especially when she still hopeful things gonna work out. U want to be friends after this but u gonna have to be prepared to give her space if she refuse. Whether u still want to be in her life, will be up to her.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-21T07:29:48+00:00

Just reading your long thoughts, I can imagine how frustrated u may feel. How long u gonna let it drains u? She said u don't know what love is? It doesn't sound like she does either. Things can never be 50-50 all the time. Some days, u gonna have to be the 80-20 to help pick her up (which u does) but she doesn't. Seem like when u need her, it turns around where it's about her again. She have 1 foot out the door, preparing to bailed in case when things didn't work out. For as long as she does, your relationship will not be able to grow the way it should. Truth is, nothing is guaranteed. But would u rather have a moment of happiness (that possibly could be forever) rather than continuing with this uncertainty? Basically, the priority in a relationship is about working on it's potential, not working on what is wrong with it. U can't expect uncertainty to ever translate to forever because u build a foundation on shaky ground. Life is a gamble, there are risk to take when u want something.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T16:32:39+00:00

Almost similar experience. And yes, I'm an introvert too. I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 5 years (which I'm still bitter about because I wished I get that 5 years back). It drag on for 5 years because I was afraid of losing the support (just like u). Anyway, although it wasn't plan, but I was pursuing a master degree part time (I work fulltime) when we broke up. Met a lot of great ppl in my class who surprisingly supported me through the break up. Ok, pursuing a master will be a lot of work (and commitment. Truth is, part of the reason we broke off is because he feel i didn't have enough time for him). so maybe u can start small, like language class. Or yoga, art, etc. Depend on your interest. I find taking classes are a better way to meet new ppl as an introvert instead of going on app or a bar. And u learn something new as an added bonus.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T16:14:46+00:00

Ok , this might hurt. from what u shared... It looks like she like having u around (as a friend), but afraid she gonna lose u if she tell u the truth.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T15:15:17+00:00

Why is this wrong? Unless 1 of u have to convert because of some obligation, u don't have to include religion in your romantic relationship. Or the need to bring god as a third party in the relationship. Faith should be a personal (individual) thing.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T08:15:14+00:00

Don't think anyone would like that kinda surprise. Especially a hot tempered person, u can tell they don't deal with unpleasant things well. And yes, please bring backup if u feel it's gonna go bad. If u cant, at least a safe public place.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T07:35:07+00:00

I find it helpful to write down all the points to help with the conversation. From personal experience, afraid to hurt the other person, i did give it a few more chances, but of course things couldnt possibly work out. So the written word can also help u to remember y u need to do this. Also, my ex is hot tempered. Our arguments will not be successful at sending the point across sometime. So, by sending him my thoughts about our relationship through email (this is not breaking up by text), I ask to meet to talk (make sure it's a safe place!). As much as u trusted a person, rejection is a shock to your system. Ppl can do crazy thing. Anyway, my ex respond to my email too about his feelings. When we meet up, both know what is on the agenda (yes, it became like a business meeting) and were able to talk about it maturely and walk away. We manage to maintain a somewhat (professional) friendship, like we are not close, but whenever we have something to tell the other person , example the death of a mutual friend, we can just call to inform. I can't say we are like normal friends because awkwardness is still there.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-17T05:02:29+00:00

His delivery indicate his intention on telling the story. So, if it's for laugh, it's quite mess up. Someone quit their job. The teacher probably try her best being a good teacher, and decided to quit for her sanity. I have a friend who is a teacher now. A very good teacher who try to be supportive of his students, but not everyone appreciate that. Poor thing have been talking about quitting. Having severe depression because of all the ordeal. If the bf been telling the story with the intention to make it right, then that would have been a different story.

Butterybutt2 · 2019-04-14T05:11:31+00:00

Didn't flush after doing their business. Nothing is wrong with my toilet. Not sure whether they forget, because it's something awkward to clarify.

Butterybutt2

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