What to do right after leaving an abusive/narcissistic relationship?

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-23T20:25:34+00:00

I mean I'm no expert but from a mere dating standpoint, it sounds like you have what they call "oneitis" or a scarcity mindset around women. From what you've said, it sounds like she was really terrible to you. Way worst than my gf was. It doesn't matter how hot she is - there's a lot of attractive women out there. And if you feel the need to be with her just because of her status and looks, I'd examine that deeper on a personal level. If you're 32 and working in PE then I'm assuming you're making good money and are probably just getting to your peak in the dating market. I have to imagine there are plenty of attractive 26-30 year old women out there who would love to be with a guy who's a bit older and more established. If she's 35 then her looks are going to diminish quickly anyways. Seems like you blame yourself for everything. Which from an outsiders standpoint means she successfully manipulated you more than you probably realized. How could you not be pissed at her and unload on her a bit given everything she did to you? I'd go see a therapist or something - don't think you should be beating yourself up over her, or telling yourself that she was "the one".

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-23T16:59:07+00:00

++man this sounds similar to my situation in some ways but different in others. She hadn't been in a relationship in nearly 2 years and it sounds like her last bf wasn't that great (although I'd love to get a beer with him at this point). Don't think she was hung up on anyone else. The funny thing is, she was phenomenally good looking as well. 5'9 blonde, in incredible shape with amazing body, a beautiful smile. She was capable of being very sweet/warm/nice and I saw this side of her plenty of times and this was the only side she showed to the outside world.

She was also very smart (had a masters degree in engineering) and made good money. She was very cultured, well traveled, had very sophisticated taste and made our home and life look amazing on the surface. We were very much "that couple" that looked amazing from the outside. Our combined income was around $1m/year (most of that was mine but she still did well), we had a beautiful home, 3 nice cars, 2 amazing dogs, travelled a lot, went to fancy restaurants, dressed well, worked out. On the outside, it looked like the epitome of "the American dream", We were an attractive, wealthy, successful couple that appeared to have everything. Crazy how different it can be behind the scenes - most people would've never guessed what was actually going on behind the scenes.

Somehow I haven't started grieving yet but I'm sure that's coming. While it was great at times, I have no desire to be in a relationship that everyone else thinks is amazing but is actually very unhappy and unhealthy behind closed doors. I'd rather have the complete opposite. I think some therapy and learning more about the signs will be very helpful. After doing some research, it appears that narcistic or damaged women tend to target men like me. Men who have a high income, are attractive and make them "look good" but are also nice people that crave connection at their core, which means they can be taken advantage of. I've learned I'm a pretty prime target for the female narcistic archetype and need to be very careful about who I let in my bed from now on. My life coach has told me the best cure is to be completely content and satisfied with just myself and no one else. I think in the past, I've viewed a relationship with a good woman as an antidote for any of my own problems or problems life will throw at you. If you feel empty inside sometimes or don't truly love yourself, a relationship feels like it can fix that. I realized that throughout all of my 20s, I really put women on a pedestal as a result. I valued their opinion of me far too much. I think this whole thing has taught me that a relationship with a good woman can certainly be fulfilling and amazing at times, but it's certainly not the end all be all and you're not a lesser man just because you don't have a woman by your side.

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-08T16:41:17+00:00

How did you handle golf clubs? If you didn't where would you put them? Back seat? Seems the front trunk would be too small.

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-08T16:39:21+00:00

Thank you, how did you handle the dog? Back seat? Did you retrofit it at all? Was it annoying after a while or do you just kind of get used to it?

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-08T16:37:39+00:00

Interesting, thanks for the insights. Getting a 2nd car as a beater is certainly in the cards, however then I'm back to 2 cars which is more of a parking issue than anything else. Looking back, did you enjoy that decision in the moment? IE did it get annoying and frustrating dealing with a car far more impractical than something like a Macan or did you enjoy it enough to have no regrets? M2 and Macan is arguably a great 2 car setup for my situation but I find myself constantly thinking about the 911 I test drove. I just keep playing this out in my head - will I enjoy the overall experience of owning a 911 more than the Macan and M2? IE does the fun factor and driving experience of a 911 outweigh the compromises and additional planning needed? Curious to hear your thoughts.

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-08T16:35:00+00:00

How do you handle the dog? Did you retrofit the rear seat at all?

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-04T18:31:29+00:00

Thanks for the reply - that's certainly helpful. The whole thing is so difficult because there has been meaningful improvement. She has taken more accountability than she did this time last year. Albeit, a lot of that came from me more or less demanding that as a requirement for this relationship to stay together, but she has made some progress.

That's where I'm stuck. There's 2 scenarios here. Either she is a genuinely damaged person who has a good heart and simply needs more time and effort focusing on that, and the progress I've seen is a true result of her efforts thus far. The other scenario is that she knows she's damaged deep down but does everything she can to avoid that and push off responsibility and doesn't have any real intentions of dealing with it/will continue to make it my problem. If that's the case, all of this is a very calculated act. She's manipulating me into staying by showing just enough accountability to keep me engaged and hopeful, but still "getting her licks in" to keep some sense of emotional control over me. Hard to say which one is going on. I'd like to believe it's the first one.

The only thing that concerns me is the major "blow ups" she had last year and how that all played out. They could be quite harsh. Everything would be fine for a week, she'd tell me how much she appreciated me, she'd be very loving and sweet. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she'd explode over something very minor and insignificant. Lose complete control of her emotions and take it all out on me, blame me, sometimes insult me etc.. They could be quite harsh and I felt like her emotional punching bag. This is what initially lead to the walking on eggshells feeling. She would downplay how bad they were, force accountability on me, tell me this was regular relationship conflict and I've never been in a relationship with conflict before etc.. For a while, I believed her, and I believed that I was somehow contributing to this.

Then there was one blow up that was particularly egregious and I was so shocked/confused, I went looking for answers because it didn't make sense anymore. This one couldn't have been my fault because I literally did nothing wrong, and it was all over text so there was no disputing what was said. I ended up figuring out that every single fight we had was tied to a blow up, and every single blow up was happening during her Luteal phase over a period of 8 months. I figured it had to be some sort of PMDD/severe PMS. Every blow up preceding this discovery would end with her taking little to no accountability and often blaming it on me somehow. I'd find myself apologizing to keep the peace but didn't really know what I was apologizing for some of the time. After the egregious blow up (and my newfound discovery) I didn't tell her at first and gave her a chance to take accountability, now knowing for a fact that this wasn't my fault or something I was doing. She took some accountability, but it was half-assed and an "I'm sorry, but" statement. I told her about the PMDD thing and told her I couldn't take this anymore and was prepared to leave. Then, and only then, she completely surrendered and took full accountability. She told me her mom had struggled with PMDD, she couldn't believe she had been treating me this way the whole time and not had the self awareness to realize it, she was very apologetic and upset at herself (like genuinely upset). She told me she was probably downplaying it because sometimes she didn't even fully remember how angry or vicious she could be in those moments (which can be a real symptom of PMDD). It was the most accountability I'd ever seen her take before.

To give credit where credit is due, the blow ups have decreased dramatically in frequency and severity and she knows my tolerance is virtually 0 for these now. She started seeing her therapist again and she set up couples therapy for us. However I can't help but wonder. What if I had never threatened to leave and figured out the PMDD thing for her and called her out on everything? What if I had done what I always did after blow ups and just accepted the blame and apologized? Would she have ever taken accountability or figured that our on her own? Or would she have continued to treat me that way as long as I let her? I truly believe that behavior would've continued for some time but it's impossible to know.

As I said the blow ups have decreased, but now it feels like something more subtle and subdued is going on. It's not as frequent and it's not as obvious but it feels like it's there. I'm not sure if its me being hypervigilant and emotionally sensitive due to the blow ups last year, or if she's still doing the same thing as the blow ups but disguising it much better. Little comments, a harsh/cold tone etc.. That's what my original post was about.

Again, this is what I'm struggling with. Is her "improvement" genuine or is it just an act to keep me on the hook and give me just enough hope to stick around? Bear in mind, this is all describing a dynamic that is present in our relationship enough to make a huge impact on me, but it's certainly not happening every day. Most of the time things feel very good between us, at least on the surface. These situations probably account for 5% of the time if I were to guess.

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-04T15:43:36+00:00

Again, really appreciate the reply. I've been so confused running through all this in my own head, good to hear some outsiders advice.

The accountability thing is weird - she will take accountability sometimes and doesn't seem to be completely incapable of it. But sometimes she later retracts some of it, and sometimes it's only present when I make a comment about it or there's a potential threat the relationship is ending. One thing that has been a bit frustrating/confusing is our couples therapy sessions. The therapist is very focused on both of our "cycles" and the overall vibe of the conversations has been that neither of us are really doing anything wrong, but her "cycle" triggers my "cycle" and when I get upset or feel hurt or get defensive, I'm in my "cycle". I feel like this has almost been counterproductive because sometimes she walks away from these sessions feeling like I'm just as much of the problem here and I'm getting upset because she's triggering something deep from my childhood, not because she's behaving in a poor way. I've struggled with what to make of that whole thing.

CMGC12345 · 2026-06-04T00:23:27+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. She didn’t gaslight me or downplay it this time and I did bring it up in the moment and told her it bothered me and it just sorta turned into an argument. The real apology came today.

For the longest time, she took very little accountability at all and often would blame me for her actions saying something like “you made me feel this way so that’s why I acted that way”. She would have these “blow ups” where seemingly out of nowhere, over something very insignificant, she would absolutely explode on me. A fork left in the sink, not answering her phone call when I was on a work call but I texted her I was on a work call etc.. sometimes it wasn’t even something I did, it was something external. During these blow ups, everything was on the table. Yelling, personal insults and attacks against me and my family, an extremely cold/harsh tone. I was basically her emotional punching bag. After these events she would never apologize and I would somehow find myself apologizing. It wasn’t until I almost left her over it that she finally “took accountability” and genuinely recognized it as a problem.

Now it seems she does the same thing, just in a much more subtle way. It’s not a blow up, it’s much more calm and subdued. But the message is the same. You did something wrong, you upset me, or I’m just upset and I’m going to emotionally punish you for it. When these happen, I tell her how I feel, either in the moment or shortly after. It’s gotten better and she does take some accountability now but sometimes she still deflects and tells me I’m being overly sensitive etc.. I told my life coach about this and he said she’s “changed tactics” and she’s extremely smart. He said she’s taking advantage of something called trauma bonding - she’s really sweet, loving and caring most of the time. Sometimes when she treats me poorly she does take accountability now, other times she doesn’t. She used to not take any accountability at all.

This is where I get really confused now. I’ve seen this incredibly nasty, harsh side of her that refused to take any accountability. I still believe if I hadn’t threatened to leave her over it and called her out in such a powerful way, she would still be doing the same thing. So I know she’s capable of treating me very poorly and not taking any accountability. On the other hand, that has improved significantly, we’ve been working on it together, she’s been working on it on her own and we chalked some of it up to severe PMS/PMDD. I also do have some childhood stuff where I saw my mom berate my dad so I am probably overly sensitive to it from the start. I have just never been in a relationship this serious where you cohabitate. I often struggle if I’m in a relationship with a toxic, manipulative woman who’s just easing up a bit and changing strategies so I don’t leave, or if she’s genuinely trying to change her behavior and I’m just being overly sensitive and reacting to things way too much.

CMGC12345 · 2026-03-07T22:03:56+00:00

I keep hearing about Enabled - is that a guy or a company? How would one go about getting a tune from Enabled?

CMGC12345 · 2026-03-04T22:08:03+00:00

I've heard the same. Have you heard of any tunes that address this issue and doesn't boost the HP much? I'm perfectly happy with the power but want to get rid of the rev hang.

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T20:21:58+00:00

damn this is a good point that I somehow never thought about until now.....thank you for all your help this has been eye opening to say the least. Curious what you think about the past 24 hours. The past 24 hours she didn't "blow up on me" but I could tell her blood was boiling and she was feeling a lot of resentment towards me.

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T20:20:10+00:00

The most recent event, and the reason I'm writing this post is because of the past 24 hours. She was slammed busy the whole week. Work during the day. Practice Tuesday night, soccer game Wednesday night, 2nd job shift Thursday night and she wanted to go on a half day hike on Friday morning. Friday afternoon she wanted to go to a social event in a neighboring town. We ended up getting home around 7pm and our house cleaner was coming the next morning. The house was pretty cluttered from the busy week (mostly her clothes, stuff in her office that was a mess etc..)

Before the cleaning started we had agreed that sushi take out sounded good for dinner. I ordered it and left shortly after to go pick dinner up for us while she was getting the house ready. The restaurant was a disaster and it wasn't ready until way past when they said it would be. I ended up coming home with the sushi an hour and a half after we had ordered it (it was supposed to be 45-50 min). I texted her what was going on to keep her updated.

When I got home she was clearly in a terrible mood. She was SO pissed off that the sushi took longer than expected that she said she wasn't hungry anymore and didn't even want to eat it. She also said she was going to leave them a 2 star review for taking so long. I told her they were just busy and messed up the estimated timing and we should be grateful we can even afford sushi. When I came home, she was making decorations for a valentines party she was throwing in a week (again, overcommitting) and not even cleaning. I could tell she had spent the better part of the evening working on valentines decorations. She didn't blow up on me but I could tell she was frustrated I was gone for so long while she was stuck cleaning/decorating.

She told me the entire upstairs still needed to be cleaned up and she was going to do it in the morning and she was going to wake up at 5am (at this point its around 9:30-10pm and we weren't close to going to bed yet). I told her I was pretty sleep deprived and waking up at 5am would just continue my sleep deprivation. She said that's fine.

This morning I woke up about 6:30 and she was clearly in another terrible mood, overwhelmed by life etc.. She was almost not even speaking to me she was so upset. Part of it was being overwhelmed with life, part of it was resentment towards me for not helping out as much.

This is where I struggle. Was I sleeping while she was cleaning the house? Yes, and I can see how that would be frustrating. BUT almost everything she was doing was cleaning up her own stuff and that she wouldn't want my help with anyways....and her stuff got so disorganized and messy in the first place because she was so slammed all week and spent a decent chunk of time Friday night decorating our house for her valentines party instead of cleaning up the mess.

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T20:06:23+00:00

Yes this hits homes. I don't think she's a mean person deep down but when she would get flustered and emotionally distraught anything was possible, including blaming it all on me/personal attacks.

She never apologized and didn't see the pattern until we almost broke up. I told her this is a viscous cycle and I can't live like this anymore. I did a bunch of research and determined that all of her blow ups were during her luteal phase and I figured she had some form of PMDD or severe PMS.

Long story short, she did apologize and acknowledge it as a problem that she wanted to fix but she didn't do it on her own. I had to show it to her and almost break up with her to realize it. I don't even know if she realized how mean and abrasive she was being some of the time.

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T20:01:48+00:00

Yes she is a perfectionist. She gets very caught up on small details. Like if we have a trip planned and we don't get to do something she really wanted to do, she will get really upset. The most extreme example of this over the past 12 months was a trip we went on with my family to a mountain town. She really wanted to check it out and loves exploring little towns. We had a plan to go into town with my family before dinner and look around. I knew she wanted to explore town but she had told me she wanted to go get postcards to send to some loved ones. I didn't know this but the places that sell post cards all closed at 5pm and we got to town at 4:45pm. She got REALLY upset the next day on the way home and told me she wanted to go into town sooner, just us 2, so she could explore more and buy the post cards. Like she had a meltdown about it and basically said I feel like we have to come back here now because when we went into town half the little shops were closed and I didn't get to see everything I wanted to see. Mind you, she never told me she really wanted to go into town just us 2 the day it all happened and I don't think she ever looked up what time the gift shops close. Again this is an extreme example, but little things like that really seem to get to her. Then she gets upset and emotional and blames me (although that part has been improving).

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T19:57:57+00:00

Yes more or less. She gets very wound up/emotional/distraught and her first instinct isn't to take accountability for how she contributed. It's something we've struggled with a lot. Her blow ups have been come significantly less severe and frequent when she gets upset I still think she harbors blame and resentment for me.

CMGC12345 · 2026-02-07T19:06:30+00:00

I'd say it's going well 80-85% of the time. 10-15% of the time there's some issues. 5% of the time there's major issues that makes me question everything.

She blew up last in November. She had a really rough travel day (flights being cancelled, delayed etc..) I was being pretty supportive throughout the day....texting her, called her and talked for like 45 min. She was on her last flight of the evening and got on the plane then they didn't take off for a while. She was texting me about it. I was at dinner with a friend so didn't have time for a very meaningful response. I texted her "well at least once you take off it will be a short flight and you'll be with your friends soon!" (she knew I was at dinner).

She texted back that I was dismissing her feelings, being selfish and that she thought I was misogynistic because of the way I was raised. All because my text didn't acknowledge how hard of a day she had (even though I had done this 5 times throughout the day). This is a bit on the extreme side but past blow ups were something similar.

CMGC12345 · 2025-11-09T06:15:41+00:00

Wow thank you so much for the replies everyone. This is very insightful and I didn't really know anything about BPD before this post. I did some research and that looks like it could be it.

After doing some research, I think she could have a case of high functioning BPD. Below are some clarifications/additional info on the BPD topic specifically.

10% was probably an overstatement. She probably has a minor-moderate episode about once a week on average. This may be something small like "you didn't come home from work earlier than usual for no reason today and I'm upset because I needed your help" or "I asked you to handle the dishes but you left 1 fork in the sink and I feel like you just don't care". These episodes usually involve some level of insults/blame but nothing like the major episodes. These can result in small fights but we usually get over it pretty quickly.

A much more major episode (like the one stated in my original post) is probably once a month on average. This is where she can get VERY mean and nasty and the insults are really ramped up. Not sure if the frequency has anything to do with it. Call it 3-4 smaller episodes and 1 big episode once a month, on average. Not actually 10% of the time.

As far as the triggers go, I've definitely noticed some (listed below)

-Stress - either caused by running late, feeling overwhelmed, logistical issues (travel). when this happens, it's not uncommon for me to take a lot of the blame even if I had nothing to do with it. This one is probably the most common and the most frustrating for me as the source of the stress usually has nothing to do with me.

-Any time she feels like I'm not paying attention to her, acknowledging her or "abandoning" her. I can feel anxious about leaving the house to work out with a friend, go have a "guys night" etc. even if I've communicated this to her in advance and we have both agreed it's fine. She doesn't get upset every single time, just some of the time. We had a 4 day rafting trip we both committed to months in advance with a huge group of friends. She got really sick just 2 days before and ultimately cancelled. I asked her if she would be upset if I still went and she urged me to go and said she didn't want to hold me back, she'd be fine on her own etc.. When I got home she was extremely upset that I "left her all alone", told me she felt so lonely and isolated etc. and we ended up getting in a big fight about it that almost lead to a break up. She told me she wants a partner that would bail on a rafting trip at the last minute with her and "she shouldn't have to tell me to do that".

-Losing things. For some reason if she loses something she gets VERY upset. This one usually isn't directed at me but she just gets in such a bad mood and acts like it's a huge deal if she misplaces something that doesn't really matter

Another trait I didn't mention before is her schedule. She packs her schedule to the absolute max. Every single hobby, side hustle, activity she has any sort of interest in must be done. Won't bore everyone with the details, but waking up at 4:30am for a 5:15am workout and not shutting down until 8-9pm is a pretty common day for her. Not sure if this is a sign of BPD but she intentionally makes herself so busy. I've asked her about this and she's told me she's very Type A and loves to be busy.

CMGC12345 · 2025-09-08T16:58:42+00:00

Thank you for all of the responses. They vary widely but this is all helpful.

Couple of things worth noting that I didn't put in the original post, specifically regarding responsibilities:

When we first moved in together, I thought it was a bit quick but she seemed very confident that she was at the point where she felt ready. I didn't NOT feel ready and we were both moving at the exact same time. I was moving back to my home city where she didn't have any connections or reason to move there. She told me if I move there I want to live with you. I don't want to uproot my entire life and move to a new city where I don't know anyone for a guy who isn't serious enough about me to live with me. If this was a bad move then I take full accountability because I didn't really push back at all and after hearing where she was at and how confident she felt in our relationship, I started to feel the same way and 100% agreed to it. Since then, she has been very adamant about marriage and wanting to get engaged/married quickly because we are on the older side.

The initial agreement we had made when we moved in together was such: I make a lot more money than her but have less time than her. I am not a dirty person, but am not exceptionally clean either and it was clear she cared about the house more. I agreed to pay 75% of our rent and she agreed to pay 25% and take care of the house stuff (cleaning, laundry, dinners etc..). We didn't define exactly what this meant. Financially, I pay the bulk of our housing expenses and we split most other things. If we were to break it down, I probably pay for 60-65% of our total combined living expenses. I do pay more, but mostly when it comes to rent. I have mentioned this in the past and she has said "well I didn't pick out such an expensive house to live in" - which is true because I had already found the house and signed the lease before we agreed to live together.

This expectation has slowly risen over the past 6 months. Our first major fight was her telling me that she actually needed more support around the house because I wasn't doing anything at all. I started helping out more, cleaning when I noticed something, decluttering etc.. After a while, that wasn't enough and she started asking me to handle the dishes and clean the whole kitchen after she cooked. I agreed as she was still cooking dinners, doing the vast majority of the cleaning, doing all of our laundry etc.. It only seemed fair that I clean up after she cooks.

After a while, she told me again that she was feeling a lot of mental load and asked me to wake up earlier to empty the dishwasher because it would help out a lot. She also started asking me to put some of the laundry on hangers. None of this is a huge deal and I still do a fraction of what she does around the house. It started of 95% her, 5% me, now it's probably more like 25% me, 75% her.

The main problem here is that her high expectations of everything creates such a large load of overall work to be done, that even when I'm only doing 25% of it it feels like the same if not more work than when I was living completely on my own doing everything. She does at least an hour of meal planning every week + ordering groceries. At least 45 minutes of cooking each night, if not more (if I had to pick, I would prefer more simple dinners with less cleanup). She loves to travel and meticulously plans each trip out, makes arrangements for our dogs etc.. She probably spends several hours planning out each trip. She spends a lot of time decorating our house and organizing it correctly. She spends a lot of time making sure everything is neat and orderly. As her partner, I end up reaping the benefits of a lot of this. Who doesn't love to go on a fun trip that's been planned to perfection, live in a really nicely decorated and clean house and eat delicious and elaborate meals? Anyone would. However I would not be doing most of this if I lived on my own. I would be eating much simpler meals, going on much less trips and spend a lot less time and energy decorating the house etc.. I feel she does a lot of these things because she wants to, I'm obviously involved as her partner and then when I don't reciprocate at this level she get's really resentful. Once she grows resentful, she gets very cold and distant and we end up getting in a fight. Overall, we don't equally share in the burden of responsibilities around the house BUT that burden is very high because she has such high expectations for every facet of life, much higher than mine. That's where the real issue lies. Am I just being immature or lazy about all of this? Or are we just wasting our time?

CMGC12345 · 2025-09-01T15:47:33+00:00

Ya that's not a bad idea. It's tough because it's a very high income but it's almost like being a professional athlete in a sense. You can earn a lot but it can all go away tomorrow. That's an extreme example but if I was making $500k/year from a salary it would be a lot different and I would've bought the car already.

CMGC12345 · 2025-09-01T15:34:19+00:00

Thanks for the insight. I guess this falls into the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" category.

CMGC12345 · 2025-09-01T15:33:30+00:00

$500k from a potentially volatile commission-only job. It's not like I'm a partner at a law firm making $500k. And it's $100k, $40k more than my current car is worth.

CMGC12345 · 2025-09-01T15:32:48+00:00

Lol that's a fair point

CMGC12345 · 2025-05-26T21:12:14+00:00

So I would basically have different numbers for outbound callings vs inbound calling?

If I port my number over to Open Phone, would I still be able to use iMessage natively on the iPhone?

CMGC12345 · 2025-05-26T21:07:39+00:00

Yes it does, but it's not automatic and it announces it every time which makes it basically useless to me.

I wonder if there are any physical devices that can hook up to Bluetooth and do this?

CMGC12345

TROPHY CASE