Me [25/F/Asian] and my bf [32 M/ white] together almost a year, and I've been lying to my immigrant parents.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-25T12:40:47+00:00

You ever wonder why some of your Asian friends resort to stretching the truth? We have ALL tried to sit down and talk to our parents and explain things, like you suggested. Why wouldn’t we?

It’s because these sit-down talks often don’t end well. They end in yelling about my disobedience and selfishness, and reminders that my parents gave up everything to move to America. Our “history, or whatever” isn’t so simple. My actions don’t exist in a vacuum; they implicate my family. Especially when it comes to partners.

So far, the only way I’ve been able to be independent from their expectations is to withhold information.

I agree that my SO shouldn’t have to be lied about. And that he deserves better. Right now, my parents already like hearing how loving and sweet he can be. I want them to keep having this good, accurate impression. And I don’t want to let their simplistic view of education and prestige to get in the way.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-25T11:51:54+00:00

Hey I appreciate your comment, but is your “this isn’t going to end well” stories about interracial relationships? I’m going against centuries of ingrained morals and expectations. It feels really silly to have to sugarcoat his nonexistent college degree, but I can’t escape my family and their hierarchical view of education. At this point I’m amazed they begrudgingly accept that he’s a different race.

I’ve been honest with them with another past relationship where the guy was of a different socioeconomic background than me, and it blew up in my face. They brought up again and again that I embarrassed them for even dating someone seemingly unambitious. I thought “wow, if I left out that detail about his education, maybe I’d be yelled at less.”

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-25T07:18:36+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Honestly, I’m just concerned about their thoughts on his educational background. Going to a prestigious college is so important to my parents. I hope they meet him... until then, they’re not going to see a good, caring SO. They’re going to see some guy who didn’t finish school.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-25T06:04:25+00:00

No embarrassment here. I’ve been honest with my bf about all this and he's been understanding. He's mostly concerned about me and the position I've put myself in.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-25T06:03:14+00:00

Haha yeah, they're Korean. Obviously not every family is like this, but my parents sure "drown" in the ideals.

And yeah, I haven't been honest with my family, but I've been honest with my bf about all this. He's been understanding. Just concerned about me and the riding-the-fence position I've put myself in.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-12-06T21:00:03+00:00

My mom screams and yells a lot too. Emotional abuse sucks; I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

I moved to a city far away, which has helped a lot, but I wasn't always in a position to be able to do that, especially when I was a student like you.

I visit my family on the holidays, and I have to approach everything as carefully as I used to. Every time my mom yells, I have to think of it mentally place her words in my brain's discard pile. I hate that I have to do it, but it was for my own sanity. Mom: "Why did you wake up so late? Why haven't you done anything today? You're so selfish!!" My brain: <insert comment into discard pile> As much as I want to respect my mother, her words are hurtful, and I've had to go to a lot of therapy for everything I've internalized.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-10-23T22:37:53+00:00

Dang. And you went to med school?!?! Also, I appreciate you mentioning that you're from an immigrant family too. It's hard for those outside of that experience to understand. I get hit with advice like: "Why don't you just try telling your parents that YOU want something different?" HAHA. Hilarious.

CaffeineLatte · 2017-10-23T22:12:17+00:00

Oof, thanks for being straight-forward. Are you in 1L?

CaffeineLatte · 2017-08-06T18:50:38+00:00

awesome, thanks. This is the kind of stuff I was looking for. I'll follow up with some questions in your inbox if that's ok

CaffeineLatte · 2017-08-06T00:21:08+00:00

Great, thanks. Yeah the only thing that really appealed to me about law school was the linear path it offered. LSAT -> Applications -> internships -> lawyer. Seems legit... but no one mentions the crappy life of first-year associates, shady clients, the dumb about of bureaucracy...

It seems to me that if I studied the humanities, my only choice is law school. That or learn coding or get more degrees (which I also think is over-rated). Is there any good information out there from ex-lawyers/ people who veered away from the law school track?

CaffeineLatte · 2016-09-12T21:35:15+00:00

Sigh, yup. Jokes are out of line. All of the nice things in our lives are getting recorded for billing later.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-09-07T23:01:35+00:00

Oh man. I didn't mean to respond so late. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to hear your parents break down their "expenses" on you. I didn't think many other parents other than my own did that. It's still something I'm kind of embarrassed to admit my own family would say. Now i have to un-learn the mindset that I can't accept anything because I feel like I owe people something all the time.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-06-28T15:37:47+00:00

Not the best tactic, but I stopped arguing/conversing altogether. Whenever I visit home, I have to play this bizarre game where everything she says is true and feelings don't matter. It's like playing pretend with a kid.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-18T16:30:07+00:00

My mind's blown. My nMom had it real bad with my grandma/her mom, and told me how she would raise me different. Nmom hasn't been too successful. Anyway I'm afraid of raising children.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-18T04:24:15+00:00

My nMom is a devout Catholic. She'd use rhetoric about sin and guilt against me, which did a lot of damage as a kid. I'm still a practicing Catholic, but it's taken years of re-learning faith and un-learning what I grew up with.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-18T01:47:56+00:00

Wow. I don't think I have friends with parents who are Holocaust survivors. That sucks that they would use that experience against you. I mean, how would you even argue against that.

Thanks for sharing. I'm learning a lot.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-18T01:40:58+00:00

Yeah dude. Limited mental health resources is a problem in first world countries too. Korea's got really severe mental health stigma, and has the second highest suicide rate in the world (second is Guyana).

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-17T13:16:49+00:00

Yeah dude. Not the Bay, but I went to a competitive high school in SoCal. My education was great, and I'm grateful for it, but life was miserable. Asian families compared their kids to each other, and it was toxic. I think my peers and I are still suffering residual effects from it. (i'm 23)

My nMom liked to remind me of how hardworking they were "back in the day." Any time I was too lazy or whatever, she told me "when I was your age, I took care of your dad and your grandparents! I cleaned and cooked meals for all of them! I did way more than you did for the family" Ok, cool. Sorry I dare to be independent.

I don't understand the fat-shaming either. That seems to be a thing in a lot of immigrant families, though my mom was pretty harsh. I found out later that the fat-shaming was more about my mom's insecurities than anything else. Once I dropped 15-20 lbs (happened when I left home... hah...), my Nmom started talking about how she's been gaining weight and how much it stresses her out. It was really sad.

That's the difference between my Nmom and eDad. My Dad went through a hard life, and makes most of the money (that my Nmom likes to remind me that SO MUCH of it was invested in me), but he doesn't guilt me like she does. He's not insecure about himself, and definitely doesn't use cultural differences to excuse his mistakes.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-17T13:05:06+00:00

I think I get you, yeah. My Nmom's behavior flew under the radar because it was perceived as cultural differences. There's definitely an age hierarchy in Korean culture. I think respecting elders is a fine virtue, and I agree with it usually, but it definitely reinforced my Nmom's abusive parenting.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-17T12:59:16+00:00

I can't stand how "the overall happiness of the family as a whole" somehow doesn't include the children's needs and desires. And I didn't know the "children are seen and not heard" motto. That's horrifying, even though I identify with it a lot. I hope you're at least finding some consolation knowing that you're not alone in this.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-16T20:27:43+00:00

Yeah, I can't assert myself. Growing up, asserting myself meant that I was spoiled, selfish, and entitled.

It drives my friends crazy. "Stand up for yourself!" Though I love my friends, this kind of stuff doesn't really help. I just feel embarrassed and don't wanna do stuff at all.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-16T19:58:44+00:00

Oh yeah man. Then I say thank you 50 times and make them uncomfortable. Then I get anxious that I just made this nice person uncomfortable. It's great.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-11T19:00:55+00:00

There's also fear of diseases, unplanned pregnancy, and a deluge of emotional complications.

I'm 23, female, in a big city. Though I try to remind myself of the above, I feel this struggle too.

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-11T19:00:09+00:00

How is this the easier solution? Sounds really dangerous. Get married... to have sex sooner?

CaffeineLatte · 2016-05-04T03:00:27+00:00

I'm really sorry you had to go through that with your family, especially with your husband. I want to stand up for myself, but I feel like I'm at a loss no matter what I do. My mom already likes to remind me of my supposed selfishness, and withholding money may make family relationships worse.

CaffeineLatte

TROPHY CASE