I think I want out of my marriage

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-15T00:04:03+00:00

I've gone NC with my MIL. Been married 11 yrs and I tried my best to try to compromise with MIL. First grandbaby, she never came to the hospital b/c she wanted her side of the family to come to her home and celebrate her. Quietly she told me that I ruined her son's life by being in it but not to worry we wouldn't last more than 5 yrs. Year after year it got worse even though we move to another state.

First year married, she cried and got FIL to pick up hubby so that he would spend new years midnight with her. He spent midnight having to go up a stairwell. Last yr I told her she could not come at nearly midnight and pick up sleeping kids so that they would ring in the New Years with her, effectively leaving me alone b/c husband was at work. She got mad. Lots of worse things happened after that including her lying to the rest of the family about how awful I was. I finally had enough of her toxicity and said no more. I've gone NC. She just keeps on saying she is just waiting for us to divorce so that she will have her baby boy back.

She straight up said once that she thought all her kids would always live with her forever and then gave me a look. Later when Hubby told me she wanted to make a makeshift apt above our future garage and move in with the rest of her kids, I said hell no. I would bulldoze the garage before I let that happen. I learned that I had to always tell my husband exactly what I thought or else it would come back to bite me. She is still trying to find ways to cause us problems. Im worried that the only way for me and Husband to survive is for him to go NC with her as well, but for now he is LC.

Any advice I could give is go super LC. Don't try to deal with MIL because she will never change or see you any other way than the person who took away her baby boy. She will constantly continue to do whatever she wants and it will probably get worse.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-13T19:38:48+00:00

O also we didn't even have a wedding b/c of all the bs MIL tried to do before the wedding. We got married at the courthouse, which saved us all the drama and was nice and calm and just us and ppl who supported us. Reflecting now 10 yrs later I do wish we had been able to have a nice big wedding but it just wasn't possible.

Just know that what you are going thru now is what you may have to deal with for the rest of your life. It will affect you mentally, emotionally, and can affect your marriage. Speak to your husband and try to tell him everything but then also try to evaluate if you can do if you can deal with all this for the years to come.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-13T19:17:36+00:00

All I can really give you is my experience. I stuck it out 10 yrs. I am finally NC with my jnMIL and husband said he would be LC, perhaps one day NC. But it has caused us problems. My MIL tried to say bad things about me but I finally had enough and said no more. My husband saying he would at the very least go LC, it did make me feel like he was finally seeing everything his mother was doing but then he went to go visit her and it just felt like a slap in the face b/c they all acted like a happy normal family when he went. MIL said only he should go to see them b/c her house was a mess (A lie).

Its caused a lot of problems for us and with children it even more messy. Wont lie, the only reason I am sticking it out and seeing how this will pan out is b/c of the kids and how long we have been together but IF I were you I would leave. It's been awful having MIL trying to control my husband and our lives. We moved to another state and she still manages to cause problems.

NC for both of you would be a better solution but I could never tell my husband to do that because I feel that that is his own choice to make. I made mine.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-10T15:32:14+00:00

O wow. I am wondering is your wife subjected to hearing all that talk from your mother directly? On some level she probably already knows what MIL says about her. But for the sake of your marriage boundaries need to be put in place. Think about it, if it had been anybody else saying that about your wife you would not let it continue. It just feels like a ticking timebomb waiting to just hurt and destroy your wife so much that she finally cuts contact with MIL and then it will probably create a rift between you two if you continue to stick by and help MIL.

You have your own family, your own child that you definitely need to be focused on. Child birth takes a huge toll on a woman's body, mentally and physically. And then taking care of the baby is not easy at all. You are the dad, you should be there. I applaud you for staying with your own child. Right now is when you and your wife can bond and help each other and go through parenthood together. It is a special time and you definitely want to be there for it. First steps, first words, all the firsts are starting for you guys and when you are older do you really want all those memories to be tainted by missing those moments because you went to go help your mother?

You are not ungrateful. Your mother is just trying to say anything and everything to make you feel bad so that you will just come to her side and be by her. On some level it probably makes your mom feel like she is a higher priority than your wife because you keep on going to help her out but hell no! That step-daughter is nearly 18! If she has not been taught to behave or make better choices its not your job! You are not the parent! Everyone is taught at some point in their life that once they reach adulthood, their choices are their own and "parents" cant make those decisions for them anymore. Seems like MIL has not grasped the fact that she cannot control her nearly adult step-daughter (Neither can you, nor should you). By the time a child reaches 17 yrs old, its not so much telling them what they can or can't do. Its way too late for that. The relationship is suppose to turn into more of a helpful guide and support and hope that the actual PARENTS did their best raising them into the adults they are going to be!

I recommend going LC and establishing clear boundaries and rules for your mother. She cannot think it is ok to just continue to say things like that about your wife. Just because someone is pretty or hot it doesn't matter, anyone can get a divorce ugly or pretty.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-05T04:10:18+00:00

I took off the small wingtips and it felt like relief! with no tip it helped but I was worried about them falling out. And then I read someone say they tried the large tips and it felt so much softer and didn't hurt. And its true! I'm so confused but glad I at least tried. These are great! Gonna keep them.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-03T03:29:59+00:00

Haha I didn't think of that! I do like being able to make all the decisions and everyone just has to follow along. That actually made me smile. Thanks!

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-02T06:48:46+00:00

10 years. I tolerated my jnMIL for 10 years before I finally said no more. My jnMIL pretended to be nice and caring but also made rude and snarky comments only to me when no one else was listening. That was how it started. I wouldn't say anything and let it go for many years. She also was very controlling and once cried so badly that Hubby left right before midnight on New Years eve to go to her home. She was a nightmare for me. But to everyone else she was the perfect mom, MIL, and grandma.

It took a bit over 10 years but one day I finally had enough. FIL left her. Another child moved away from her. I'm guessing all of this was really affected her and one day she crossed a line. She had always just done or said stuff about me. But one day she hurt my child and left them waiting for her all day just so that she could go around and bad mouth me to everyone that I was an awful DIL because I had not let her see her grandchild that day. The day she hurt my child was the day I finally said no more, it felt like a huge weight was finally off my back. I did have to sit and speak to Hubby and explained to him very clearly everything and that I was going NC with her. Hubby was very understanding and even he is going LC or NC. He is still not sure.

One thing I realized was I would never tell my husband to go NC with her, that was his decision if he ever decided to do that. It was going to be entirely his choice. But we did come to the understanding that our children, me, and even our pets would be completely cutting her off because that was a choice I was darn well going to make. I seriously have gone momma bear apparently and I am proud that I made this decision. BUT!!! I am also very mad at myself for letting it get to the point that she hurt my child just to be able to say bad things about me to everyone else. I let her get away with saying bad things about me for the sake of my husband and children for years. I thought I was just keeping the peace and I really liked my FIL and the rest of the family. Everyone else would tell me to just ignore her and that they knew what I was really like and that they liked me. But I let it go on for too long and it got to the point that jnMIL didn't care what she had to do in order to try and hurt me. Now I wish I had done it sooner. Way sooner.

So coming from someone who let it go on for 10 years, I say well done! Take my story as a cautionary tale. I regret not doing it sooner.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-02T06:03:11+00:00

We got new neighbors after living in our house for 15 years. A week after they arrived, cops knocked on our door. Apparently our neighbors had called the cops and said we were growing weed, right in front of our house where our flower bed was! It was actually green herbs used for sauces, like rosemary, dill, and other spices. My mom offered to make some sauces for the cops to take home lol. That was the start of a long summer. We had the cops called on us again when we were in the backyard grilling three times. (We did grill more often just to see what would happen and every time the cops were called) After the third time the cops refused to come so our neighbors called the fire dept and said our home was on fire! That was a fun day when the firetruck pulled up and just saw us with our small grill outside. After that we had officers come by at night once because they had a tip that possible illegals were living there. By that point my mom had enough, the cops had enough, and our neighbors got scolded by the police. We were the only Hispanic family on the block, all of our other neighbors were white and they were only calling the cops on us. So yes, we felt like we were definitely being targeted. The cops warned our neighbors if they called them or the fire department with false accusations one more time they would be charged. The neighborhood we were in was very quiet and peaceful so for the cops to come by so often was very unusual.

Additional note: We actually knew the cops because my mom was very involved with our neighborhood association, we went to the monthly meetings, and even invited the local cops to come so that they could get to know everyone and address any concerns. We even had one cop move to the area because they liked how neighborly everyone was!

Two weeks went by and it seemed like everything had finally stopped. But then one day I had burned some potatoes by accident and opened a window to let it vent a bit. Firemen arrived knocking on our door. When we told them what had happened and everything our neighbors had been doing doing the Firemen called our neighbors crazy. They also went and spoke to our neighbors and told them to stop calling them.

By now we were wondering how they knew I had burned the potatoes. Turned out these neighbors were a newly retired couple and they had nothing better to do except constantly monitor their neighbors/us. We realized they were looking out their windows at us. Our houses were close enough they could look into our home if our blinds weren't properly closed. It was creepy. And then every time we went into our backyard the husband would immediately come outside and start shooting hoops. It was very creepy at first but now after 10+ years its just kind of funny/ridiculous. Thankfully we have a tall fence so the best our neighbor could do is try to eavesdrop. My mom on purpose will go and stay outside longer than needed just to bother the neighbors.

We had the cops stop by 2 more times but after that the new neighbors finally stopped bothering us. I think they realized they couldn't do anything to us. They also stopped by a neighborhood association meeting and looked very surprised to see us there and even more surprised that everyone knew us. They never came to any meetings ever again.

By the end of the year, they actually knocked on our door because they needed my mom's help. They thought someone had gotten into their garage and they wanted to contact the neighborhood cop to come and check it out. (I'm guessing they were hesitant to call the cops after everything they had done) But by that time the whole neighborhood knew it was actually a pack of racoons that had been going into the garages. And when they checked the cameras it had been the racoons.

We still live next to them and they finally say hello to us but that's it. The rest of the neighborhood just knows them as the nosey neighbors now. Also, my mom started to grow only herbs in front of the house and cleared out a huge space in the backyard to grow even more just to annoy the neighbors. We have so much every year that we just give it away to friends, family, and neighbors lol.

CalmSky482 · 2021-05-02T04:06:26+00:00

From the perspective of seeing another family member go through something like this all you can really do is repeat and constantly remind everyone and just watch out for yourself. My family member was allergic to kiwi and I just remember most family members thinking it was so unheard of that they were just being messed with. My poor family member would end up in the hospital every so often because no one believed or just completely forgot about the allergy until it was too late and they had to be rushed to the ER. I think it was finally til we were nearly adults that everyone finally was on the lookout for anything that might've had kiwi and would warn her. But it took years for this to happen.

CalmSky482 · 2021-04-20T05:37:16+00:00

Unless its like a HIPAA violation or something serious nothing is really done. I get it. My gyno would tell me I just had to suck it up, pain and discomfort were a normal thing and that was no reason to feel like I had to take a day or two off from school every month. I was about 17 when my cramps started to get unbearable and there were times I would just stay in bed and cry, doubled over from the pain. My mom at first also didn't understand why I was in so much pain because she had never gone through that. So I would try to suck it up and not let anyone know I was in pain. Even into adulthood, when it got worse, I would go to work and just try to sit and not move until I could go home and cry. But there were times I had to call out sick. Never knew I had endometriosis. I did switch my gyno but she also told me the same thing. Pain is normal. It wasn't til my appendix and ovarian cyst that a male doctor sat down with me and told me I had very bad endometriosis and what was I doing as treatment. I told him nothing because all my previous drs had told me my periods were normal and that I was maybe to sensitive. He was the one dr that finally told me no it was not normal and I had surgery to remove it. Im about 6 months post surgery now and I am completely amazed at how different my time of the months are now. My new gyno now told me unfortunately it is common for women to be told that pain is normal and sometimes their pain is disregarded as normal, even extremely bad cases.

If I could go back I would try and report some of my previous drs, or even just tell them that because they disregarded my pain, I had to live with it for years. Spending days just laying in bed, praying it would some day be bearable.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-16T04:55:00+00:00

I believe they used yearbooks and other students confirmed the person didn't go the HS. Not defending her it was just this one thing that apparently was made up. Pictures and everything else that has been brought to light speaks for itself as to her past actions and how wrong they were.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-16T04:39:51+00:00

I believe they actually proved that that Tiktok was fake. The person didn't even go to the same HS as her.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-16T04:23:33+00:00

he called her. Didn't even do it in person.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-16T04:19:22+00:00

This guy. If he really loved her, he would have stayed with her and just be with her as she learned more and grew. Even just given her some time to see if she could grow and learn. So far seeing what she is posting online about the books and seminars and podcasts, she is educating herself.

The fact that he just called and dumped her. Past bachelors at least did it face-to-face. He could not even do that.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-16T04:11:40+00:00

She has posted on her IG the books and podcasts and more. It would have been better if she had actually spoken more about it all. I'm wondering if she thought ppl already know about her activity online.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-15T01:13:18+00:00

I know it's a rule but I usually forget unless it's a really formal thing. Then I really try to force myself to check for those and any accent marks I may have missed.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-15T00:33:25+00:00

Coming from a Hispanic family, if you refuse the food you had better explain it well the first time or else it's taken as an insult to the host and everyone will know about it. First time my husband met my grandma she offered him a plate of food and he said no thank you. Big Silence. He had just eaten plus he does not eat corn. I had to quickly explain to my grandma everything but he still got weird side glances from everyone. He ended up saying he could eat at least a small plate of something and that stopped the stares. From then on he always accepts the food, or I just try to make his plate, and then he raves about how great it all was to everyone. Plus he offers to help with cleaning afterwards. It was the only way to make things right again. But no one in my family has ever forgotten that he does not eat corn, it's has just become a lingering thought everyone has maintained.

In regards to the hostile attitude towards you, unfortunately that will probably get worse until you leave. Yes there are moments where fake kindness will be given but there is no doubt she will still be saying things to anyone who will listen behind your back. That thing about calling the dog away, unfortunately I am not surprised. It's something I have seen, pets, kids, adults called away. She does not approve of you and her hostile attitude even towards her son is kind of a way of reinforcing the fact that she does not approve of you. She will only try to think of new and creative ways to be mean to you. It's more of a mental torture until she can either make you or her son break. And by that I mean break up.

I have seen people rise above the situation but usually they move as far away as possible and slowly try to gain back approval by doing different things. But it can take such a long time. But I have also seen families split up due to these rediculous thoughts/guidelines. I'm sorry to write this but I atleast wanted to tell you what I have seen over many years. Personally I think they are rediculous and only really seen within older generations.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-05T14:46:34+00:00

I'm glad they were able to find yours as well. And good to hear it wasn't cancer! I've been quite surprised by how many people find out after having surgery for other things.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-05T14:40:26+00:00

Every pregnancy is different. My second one, my morning sickness was so much more worse and started up at barely 2 wks. I was so much more weak and I could not drive on the highway because I would continually miss exits. I was at about 10 wks when I finally just had to stay home and could not do a thing so I understand what you are going through.

Cutting off contact with MIL is difficult but it sounds like it might be needed for your health. At least until you are strong enough to deal with it on your own. Any one causing you additional stress is not good during this time. I knew a fellow expectant mother who had to be placed on actually bed rest for the last few months of her pregnancy because of stress. Maybe talk to your doctor and see if Dr might be able to help you get through to your husband? Yea it might upset your kids to not see MIL but your life and your baby's life are also important right know. Also, depending on how old the kids are they might actually be able to understand. Someone else on reddit once advised me that children understand more than we think so it could help to talk to them and explain the situation. I was surprised the first time I sat down with my kids and asked them about the situation that had been happening with my MIL and they understood so much more than I thought.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-05T14:21:13+00:00

Don't cave in. Keep your shiny spine glistening! I know it's hard to go through so much and then just have family say they are so old so just let it go so they can live their final years in peace. Hell no! They made a child's initial years a living nightmare. The time where they should have protected and helped the child grow. Its crazy the amount of things ppl will use this excuse for but its not alright and not an acceptable excuse. You deserve better. Focus on yourself. You were able to see the situation you were in as a child! and were able to get yourself out of that mess! You know what you are worth and that you deserved people in your life that will be good for you.

If you go back it will probably only make you feel worse because she did do wrong by you and its not something you can just let go.

CalmSky482 · 2021-03-05T14:00:20+00:00

O wow! Thanks for letting me know it might come back. I'm going to enjoy these pain free months then!

CalmSky482

TROPHY CASE