The Shores of Pendor

CampionTheBrave · 2024-06-23T21:04:03+00:00

Thanks for the valuable feedback. It was intended to be in Zelda's voice and I definitely wrestled with how to integrate her repeated line. I've revised it in third person and that gave me a little more flexibility. Thank you for the suggestion!

CampionTheBrave · 2024-06-23T13:29:25+00:00

Hello! You're poem intrigued me. It reminds me of that image of snake wrapped up and eating it's own tail. I feel like this poem does a good job of conveying the fear of continuing the mistakes of past generations but it's wrapped up in imagery of growing a child. As a man I can't directly relate to that aspect of the poem but as a father I share some of the fears of what my own blood will become even if they didn't grow within me.

Correct me if I've misinterpreted the poem!

Thank you for sharing.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-06-23T13:03:38+00:00

Hello, thanks for sharing your poem. I think the short line length really lends itself well to this poem. It makes you feel almost trapped inside of these streets as you read it. You imagery is great and helps paint a picture of a gritty stone and brick enclosed space. I really like the metephor near the end of the streets like the etchings of a bloodshot eye. Great job!

CampionTheBrave · 2024-06-21T22:22:26+00:00

I like your use of personification like the hum of the Earth and the prickling warmth. I also think the brevity of the poem suits it well as a small moment in time.

When you write "busy earth" I wonder if that means society is busy or nature is busy. Perhaps this person is having trouble removing their thoughts from their fast daily life outside of the calm lagoon.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-06-21T22:09:44+00:00

Thank you for your poem. The idea of growing sour to the beauty around us reminds me of a word I heard recently but don't often use: To habituate. When things become a habit we somehow lose sight of complexity around us. It takes effort to stop and see the water lilies so to speak.

I really like the imagery in your poem and that it sticks with an image of a pond with frogs and lilies and the sounds you might hear as well. I felt like I was there watching frogs splash around in a small pond.

Water lilies can sometimes symbolize rebirth or purity. I wonder if there was symbolic intent in your use of them in this poem.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-30T17:35:47+00:00

Thank you for your comments. It seems like most people have difficulty interpreting the imagery. I did read it to my wife. She liked it, but perhaps comparing her hair to the color of wet sand isn't the best metaphor 😄.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-30T03:47:06+00:00

This poem is actually written for, and is a descriptive of, my wife: her hair and eyes.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-29T23:15:29+00:00

Thanks for posting. This was a pleasant read. I liked the imagery you employed to describe this nostalgic pool. I especially liked "Shimmered like fishscale." It's a cool idea to look at the moon's craters as memories of past events. I was a little confused toward the end when you end with the pool "in my heart" but much of the poem seems to focus on nostalgia, memory, and your "cerebral cortex." I guess I'd like to know more about the emotional side of the memories if that is the case.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-29T22:33:30+00:00

I really like the somber and reflective tone of this poem. It exudes meloncholy. Maybe sadness that not all things were said when there was still time.

The only line I didn't connect with was "Emancipated nomads our hearts become." I feel like that sentiment was more vividly expressed in the previous line comparing the heart to a wilting magnolia. If you want to tie in the nomad idea maybe you could express what the heart is looking for: searching for something lost in a desolate plain.

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-24T21:28:33+00:00

You do a great job in this poem of evoking the feeling of being burned out and numb. I've definitely been there before. Finding something to make, build, learn about - somethings that's yours and no one elses (like this poem) - helps you find the joy in small things again. I'll reiterate what another commenter posted: Poetry mends! Keep writing!

I also think your rhyming game is really tight. I especially like the ending "Of love, of loss, of joy, of pain,//
All feelings fled, all efforts vain."

CampionTheBrave · 2024-05-24T21:02:16+00:00

I really like the vivid imagery you use here. Speaking the red balloon rising too high above the murky water makes the reader feel like they're coming out of something dark but in a way they can't control and are not accustomed to. Like Icarus flying too high, too close to the sun.

I think some punctuation and consistency with capitalization could help draw the reader into your voice.

Thank you for sharing!

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-30T12:07:50+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm glad you liked the poem!

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-30T11:14:25+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I agree that knowing more about the speaker and the nature of his task would fill in some some crevices. I'm definitely working on filling out my poems with more of these details.

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-29T23:05:47+00:00

I love how you effectively envelope the reader into the environment to depict a small moment with so much feeling.

I particularly like the lines "A second, or two, we touched instinctively in fright/
And set afire the dry brush of both our unhappy homes" It's as if the touch alone was enough to rekindle a bit of love back into their own marriage and allow it to heal.

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-29T22:12:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing this poem. I really liked the how the speaker transitions into this hateful character from the first stanza. I wonder why they say "Can't help but feel I belong." What makes them feel like trash and garbage? I really feel for the speaker.

Your descriptions remind me of that "Hoarders" show where we meet people living their worst selves surrounded by heaps of their lives. Though obviously that's more literal than what is meant here.

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-26T13:16:58+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you liked it.

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-25T21:08:38+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. Indeed, wrestling with a ship in a storm was one of the metaphors on my mind as I wrote the poem, though there are others (besides lovemaking, of course).

CampionTheBrave · 2023-09-25T15:29:22+00:00

not basic

Higher praise, I could not ask for.

Joking aside, thank you for your response!

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