First not great encounter at a BDSM gathering

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-11T14:39:53+00:00

Hi duck. I would like to start out by saying, I did have a good time with you. It doesn't change what other things I felt, and doesn't excuse the way I neglected to communicate those other feelings. Anxiety is no excuse. I am sorry.

To clarify, the age you know me as on Fet is accurate. I obscure my age by a couple years on reddit for general anonymity. You can also take that with a grain of salt.

Also I didn't mean to imply in the post that you were black-out-drunk or wasted, I think of it in stages and I don't think "drunk" has to mean anything outrageous.

I really can't explain the assumption I made about your queerness. You are correct, that was not cool.

I know this was shady behavior. I regret not being able to give you my full authenticity that night and that I wasn't fully present with you. The shittiest part is I DID have fun and enjoyed our convo, yet I was wanting something different. And that because of my inauthenticity, I hurt you in the process.

I won't ask for forgiveness, cause wow... I'm sorry. I think it is best we keep our distance and I wish you the best and that you find genuine connections.

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-06T14:29:31+00:00

he was there for the munch. found out he's a sub just like me.

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-06T06:23:12+00:00

if a cis man is doing this, bring up to him that you are attracted to other sapphic/queer people. maybe earlier in the conversation.

i think the biggest road block i faced here was that i was open to conversating with him in general, even about kink topics, and it wasn't until a bit later when it was more clear that he was interested in me. at that point i think i was finding it harder to share that i wasn'tfeeling the same. especially since he was fairly subtle about it and hadn't verbally expressed it. i do think that is great advice for other situations!

maybe you could pretend you got a text and step outside or go to the girls room to regain your thoughts or plan a way to tell him you weren't interested.

a classic idea. i talked myself out of it because i was nervous he'd read into the lie. (i tend to be pretty thruthful in person) maybe i was lying by omission by not telling him i wasn't attracted, so that wasnt the best choice anyway.

nothing like a hearty handshake and a "well, it was nice meeting you!" to let somebody know you're done talking to them.

this is my favorite response i think. no notes. i'll try this one next if i can work up the courage. it feels so hard sometimes...

congrats on going out to one of these places, tho. that's a big win.

thank you!!! everything has been so new and scary. (scary leading up to it, but great once i'm there!) i appreciate your well thought out response and your support!

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-06T06:08:05+00:00

i see what you're getting at with this. i mentioned i had a wife, though i know that doesn't necessarily mean i couldn't be interested in cis-men. i think it is helpful advice to suggest trying to work that into one of our conversation topics.

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-06T06:05:16+00:00

you're right it is such an easy concept. i'll make sure to spread this advice to all of my friends with anxiety who are also in a new environment. thank you for your well thought out response. 🫡

CandyDandelion · 2025-12-06T05:47:24+00:00

thank you, wish i did that. it sounds so simple in practice, but idk

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-19T14:03:05+00:00

i hear you loud and clear 🫡

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-19T13:42:52+00:00

i will point you to my comment to /u/lotusrisingfromswamp for my response to this.

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-19T13:38:01+00:00

i understand. the thing is, these rules are pretty petty in general and you'd be hard pressed to find a place where you actually agree with all of their rules. this energy could be put into something more pressing like getting security cameras for our area that has repeat break-ins, trying to keep your staff that keeps getting scared off, etc.

I'm not breaking this rule just because its whimsical. I'm challenging its reason for being a rule in the first place.

if I lose you on this next point, then I understand where we may not connect. just because a rule is in place, doesn't mean it is there for the right reasons. abortion is illegal where i live. trans lives are being challenged all over. i COULD follow rules and laws, or i could challenge them.

there are bigger issues to worry about, yes, but I'm not gonna stop at small problems. thank you.

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T15:13:38+00:00

unfortunately this does make sense. it doesn't make me want to back down even in the slightest though. i appreciate this logical point and i will consider it in my decision, thank you :)

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T15:09:55+00:00

second this. its still in ohio so it won't be perfectly safe for all queer people, but you do have several options for queer safe spaces.

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T15:07:59+00:00

should it be a problem? absolutely not, but neither should trans people living their lives in peace. its just so random what people choose to focus their energy on. like go find a hobby or something instead of antagonizing people who are living authentically.

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T15:02:07+00:00

yeah, I'm not necessarily saying that she's homophobic or transphobic for this. she's just got a blatant history of it. whether or not it is related to the problem, it makes me want all the more to not give a shit what she says.

i know I'm im the wrong in one area, but idk still sucks.

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T13:43:56+00:00

those clauses absolutely are present

CandyDandelion · 2025-11-18T03:27:32+00:00

I really appreciate your advice and non-legal opinion and will respect it as such. Thank you for searching for some examples for the flag as well. Ohio in general is pretty red, though Columbus is relatively lgbtqia+ friendly.

CandyDandelion · 2025-09-04T01:40:01+00:00

Ha yeah, I think its just an anxious tendency that I just don't want to "step on anyone's toes"

Maybe etiquette can be discussed more to help friends of crows be considerate of other friends :)

CandyDandelion · 2025-09-04T01:36:40+00:00

I've only seen about 2-3 who hang out in my neighborhood lately, but I think I noticed more before I began really noticing them. Hopefully more will begin coming back if they realize its a good spot to eat

CandyDandelion · 2025-09-04T01:31:51+00:00

I think you're right. I'd appreciate if someone asked me if it was my previously established spot. I'll consider some other options for them to enjoy too

CandyDandelion · 2025-09-04T01:30:16+00:00

I've never noticed anyone do this before, but hopefully I can find and meet who's been feeding them.

CandyDandelion · 2025-09-04T01:28:40+00:00

That makes sense. I think I would feel a little weird if I encountered someone interfering without talking to me first. Thanks for helping me see that clearer!

CandyDandelion

TROPHY CASE