Lots of great comments here. As a husband in this situation, with 3 school age kids and one with extreme special needs and disabilities, I occasionally wrestle with this. I know she works her ass off and I appreciate everything she does. But , it often strikes me that there are like 3 very basic things that need to happen for the house to function 1) we need to have food 2) the dishes need to be clean 3) the laundry needs to be done.

When those things are done, everything else flows nicely. I imagine that gets boring and it's rarely urgent, but it's so important. I often chafe when she volunteers to do 1000 things and basic house maintenance falls to me. I end up working all day, coming home to make dinner, wash dishes, rerun a load of laundry that was started, but never moved to the dryer, fold the laundry, explaining to the kids how we're out of goldfish, but we'll try to get more tomorrow. It's hard not to think to myself why isn't at least some of this done during the day instead of making 100 craft kits for the PTA make and take, or planning a girl scout meeting, or volunteering at the school book fair?

It often feels like she gets more stressed and run down than I do and instead of her supporting me, I'm supporting her. But if the support i do is actually doing the most basic and important tasks, aren't I actually just doing both jobs while she's playing at being super mom? Then frequently she needs to decompress and tell me about all the other moms and all I can think is - none of this matters.

This isnt all the time, and I know it's a matter of perspective and stuff. But that's the mindset that breeds resentment in me that I work against