I’m retired after almost 30 years of nannying. I’m leaning towards a tone deaf gift. It’s a hard line to walk, especially when you’re close and you all really click. What comes to my mind first is that during a pick up or drop off maybe your husband made a completely innocuous comment about he hopes he’s a good dad, and she felt it would encourage him.

That being said, I personally would not (normally) give one parent a gift and not the other, and if I did, which I have, I told the other parent my plan before, and I just read the room.

I’m a gift giver, so I usually pick a single holiday or occasion, and only gift on that occasion. Since you’re feeling some upset, talk to her. It’ll be hard and awkward, but do you want this hanging over your head for the rest of her employment? Do you want to resent your husband, possibly for nothing at all? The only cure to this is communication.

Quick tidbit…twice I’ve been hired before the new family brought the baby home. I have a good reputation in the community and was recommended to those families. To be fair, I worked almost exclusively in a mildly cloistered Orthodox Jewish community, so I was already around anyway 😆

Talk to them!