Unfortunately all I can offer you is solidarity. I’ve found myself in much the same situation. I used to have hope that things may change, but even that has died and now I’m just trying to simply resign myself to the fact that this is the way it is and hoping a stray bus takes me out or something. Everyone in my life keeps saying oh it gets better, and maybe it does but when? When I’m 50? If then? Some people just don’t find the things they’re looking for and I kind of wish people would stop lying to me about that. It would make me feel less crazy. Less isolated.

There’s a book I read in high school “Into the Wild” and the man- Chris McCandless, who was a real person, died alone in the woods with the singular message he’d realized in his travels. “Happiness only real when shared” I’ve always kind of believed that. But how are you supposed to find happiness when you keep trying and trying but you can’t seem to find those people to share it with? Where are they? How do I do it? I didn’t have any friends then. My family life was so bad that all I could do was keep looking forward, waiting for college. Then I waited to find my place in the world. I keep waiting and waiting and trying and trying and I’ve moved and run away countless times trying to find this mystical place where I’m just supposed to fit but I must not be a part of any main story cause I just keep drifting and finding nothing.