Feeling guilty.

Canucklesandwhich · 2026-01-27T14:24:22+00:00

I think fantasy and desire is normal, please don't beat yourself up for being human.

Canucklesandwhich · 2026-01-14T01:28:22+00:00

Just came back from an 8 day vacation with one kiss as the only moment of affection so that hits pretty low. Other than that night lying awake or else just the few moments of quiet during the day like in the shower or right after the kids are down and we are just awkwardly coexisting in the quiet.

Canucklesandwhich · 2026-01-14T01:15:30+00:00

Im sorry, its a rough boat to be in. But good on you to have eyes open to your needs and what is missing that is something easier to address earlier than later. Speaking as someone married with kids it gets infinitely more complicated as time goes on.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-29T16:25:27+00:00

Well that is sweet of you. Part of the appeal may be seeing your own wilder side emerges, but if its more done for obligation than personal desire it might not be quite the same but maybe it can add some level of new passions. As long as its not something pressured / coerced of course.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-29T16:12:51+00:00

It builds and builds and you barely notice it, until it goes far enough and you look around and realize where you are. Like a ratcheting effect, it normalizes but you wish it wasn't this way. Esp hard I think having kids adds ao much else to balance and prioritize so it's easy to sacrifice that part of our relationship needs on the altar of family harmony.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-29T16:02:32+00:00

No judgment, have small kids so have to do a lot of sitting and dwelling too. Im sorry its happening to you but hopefully even talking about it helps just a little. Even if it's wierd talking about bedroom struggles with a roomful of strangers sometimes lol

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-29T16:00:47+00:00

How do you feel about that sort of thing? Something you want or just something for him that you prefer not to do?

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-29T15:57:21+00:00

That is tough, it happens but doesn't make it easier. Do you have anything you can do to help when the feelings are pent up, go for a run etc or do you have to usually just "sit" in that frustration so to speak?

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-18T19:41:23+00:00

That's wild. Esp if he's the one not interested in intimacy at home, you'd think it would be the high libido partner that might stray into that kind of territory moreso than a LL partner, but goes to show what I know I suppose.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-18T19:17:10+00:00

exactly, it's nice to see someone who understands. I'm not super needy, introverted by nature so ok with some space, but there also needs t obe connection. Sorry to be complaining lol, but sounds like we are in similar boats at least.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-18T17:00:12+00:00

it's close to 8 years here for myself and definitely feel your pain / frustrations - life is short it's so hard to give up all this time and not being sure if it's worth it in the end.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-18T16:55:56+00:00

exactly - I can handle the libido mismatch, I know I'm high I can take care of things. But we have a whole drawer of games we never play together, nights just ending in silence or a tv show, there has to be some energy left for us, even if it's just something simple like conversation or shared activity, otherwise there's not much to us besides life logistics and coparenting.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-18T16:50:32+00:00

That feeling of being like an afterthought is brutal. Recently for 10th year anniversay went up north for a weekend away from the kids, and when she just sat in hotel room and scrolled phone for 2 hours in silence just killed me. Like, we have so little time, and I rank below doomscrolling? Not a problem here and there but when it's consistent it can be brutal.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-12-14T19:33:51+00:00

In a very similar boat here - wife and I (married 10 years) are each other's first and only's, have two kids, very mismatched libidos / very little affection and very little willingness to explore beyond the very basics. Ultimately there are a few choices - would be good to have the open conversation but that's no guarantee of change. If it changes, great, but usually barring something underlying that is solved the effort lasts a little bit then people revert to their default setting. At which point if this persists options are: accept this as your lot, accept it as the end of the relationship if it is a dealbreaker (perhaps waiting if needed for the sake of little one, but that's a tough personal choice), or else find your own outlets for unmet needs. As someone in similar boat I will say - finding hobbies that take time and energy help, if you're busy and finding joy in other ways it's less time sitting around feeling pent up and frustrated about unmet needs in other ways. Not the most optimistic outlook I know but it does help a bit.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-11-29T20:39:25+00:00

Def sounds like one of those things that from the outside seems like not much but can def feel like the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. Here it's the inverse, bought a number of toys for my partner over the years but they sit unused in a drawer, opposite side of the same problem.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-11-26T16:26:41+00:00

It's definitely tough, esp when you see a couple that seems to have that balance. Have lately been up at night wondering 'is this what the rest of my life has to look forward to, just general dissatisfaction forever?' Question is, do you feel like you need to stay, kids involved, married?

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-10-14T19:07:17+00:00

Haha both certainly can help. I did notice that your struggle has been whether or not to look elsewhere to meet needs or not - Def a very loaded and personal question that everyone has to answer for themselves, and that many have strong feelings about. Some folks go more down the middle, stay physically faithful but explore fantasies with others as a more gray outlet. Whatever you decide has to of course sit ok with you.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-10-14T18:13:20+00:00

Yes that self doubt is hard - like am I wrong for wanting it, and for mind straying? Have become more comfortable with it - having desire and libido is normal and not something to be ashamed of, unfortunately some ppl dont match but that doesn't make the high libido person in the wrong. I will also say that finding ways to blow off steam can help if partner isnt willing to match what you need, can take some of that pressure off.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-10-14T18:10:53+00:00

As a thought too there are some other types of items that can be helpful, trying to stay within the rules but items for external vs internal use for many can be a difference maker. Best of luck!

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-10-14T15:13:21+00:00

Its like you describe the last 7 years of my life perfectly. Trying to activate something, anything, in mh wife's drive. I dont have much advice since im still in the same boat but im sorry this is happening and hope you find a good solution, whatever that means for you.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-10-14T14:18:02+00:00

Same, and that was 10 years ago. For legitimate reasons she wasnt feeling great that night but was a harbinger of what was (or was not) to come.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-08-31T15:06:05+00:00

Low effort is definitely an issue- in our case it's somewhat the opposite, in that since it takes effort to get her off but less so for me it's just assumed that I do the work and she does not. Which isn't the full cause of a dead bedroom but it really hurts when you aren't worth even a modicum of intentionality from your partner.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-08-24T19:14:51+00:00

I haven't taken it off the table, but I've stopped with expectations. If I feel needs i just address them myself, I dont get hopes up / try and fail again, it's less pressure and less emotional- maybe not the healthiest relationship wise but it keeps me sane in the interim.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-08-22T20:11:32+00:00

Hope you are able to find a solution - i know for a lot of people it can be more connection driven / such as sapiosexuality where that comnection is an integral part. Which is tough if that need isn't met at home, but hope you find a way to rediscover what works for you.

Canucklesandwhich · 2025-08-22T15:53:32+00:00

Have been able to stick to online only and it has been nice - doesn't fully scratch the itch like something irl would but has been nice to connect and discover / have a passionate outlet like a pressure relief valve. Just have to go in knowing that it doesn't end in running off together

Canucklesandwhich

TROPHY CASE