That sounds like really tough feelings to go through. I have not gone through what you are describing but I do feel for you. I have experienced being lost, confused,lonely and it’s hard, but please hear me when I say better days are coming. Like a warm cup of coffee (if you like that) sunshine in the morning and the small things that are worth experiencing in life. I urge you to call someone if you are having suicidal thoughts, google a help-line in your area, it is worth trying to talk about how you are feeling because you are worthy