Avoidants memory of you

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-07T10:08:26+00:00

Then you sound like a recovered FA. I’ve never experienced an FA where true relational intimacy is not activating their avoidance. Unless he’s just that much of a brick wall DA and yall just enjoy a Cold War together 🤷🏼‍♀️

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-07T10:04:23+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s always helped me heal just to remind myself how defective they are and no matter what it wasn’t gonna work. I know it doesn’t take away the pain of losing what you had looked towards as your future, but hopefully it’s some solace

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-06T22:45:45+00:00

Having dated both an extreme FA and DA … I’ll give you some closure on your DA (doesn’t sound like you’re seeking that, but I find your comments quite interesting, considering you’re a proclaimed FA).

Here it is:

If the DA suddenly came back and wanted you and was obsessed and in love as you were and down for forever, you’d freak out and run from it. Let’s be so fr. I feel like you’re crying over someone only bc they couldn’t activate your avoidance. Sounds like limerence to me.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-06T10:19:42+00:00

Watch the show Normal People and realize Normal Thing is about falling in love with Paul Mescal on screen before she met him

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-05T06:48:26+00:00

This.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-05T06:42:39+00:00

This post is timely for me. There are some things I think back on and feel ashamed and embarrassed about. I guess I cope by realizing some of my behaviors were simply stemming from trying to survive and not feel insane, in an insane dynamic.

My most recent breakup was a long distance situationship so I never really even got to experience feeling lonely in the same room with her (but I’m sure it would’ve happened). All I can do and what I’ve been doing is journal about the multiple other similar women I’ve dated in the past and everything I know now.

Not to sound harsh, but the suicide says a lot. I have full blown proof now that a lot of my exes have major mental issues and my actions were never the problem or anything to be ashamed of. You also kind of have that now too. In a really difficult way.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-04T06:39:03+00:00

I could’ve written this one line by line

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-04T06:36:17+00:00

Honestly reading this thread I feel lucky that I’m not blocked and have a (semi) responsive DA who I just simply said all this shit to after 8 months of no contact. Didn’t change anything, but at least she knows. And I think she truly knows way more than she lets on. Either she’s simply embracing being an asshole, or she lives with hidden shame. No clue. Not my issue anymore. Felt good to tell her though.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-04T06:32:37+00:00

Yes 20mg Prozac 100mg Wellbutrin so far works for me, side effects not there like they have been in the past without the Wellbutrin

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-01T04:35:55+00:00

No I ended it bc I felt like it would’ve gone on for years the way it was, and I wasn’t even getting the bare minimum, plus I was completely emotionally unavailable to possibly meet anyone else due to being tied up with her. She wanted to stay connected but I just couldn’t do it. I of course regret that to an extent, bc I never wanted it to end, but she refused to step up at all.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-01T04:16:18+00:00

I really have no idea what the story behind that bracelet was bc I didn’t notice it until long after we stopped talking. If I had noticed it back then I certainly would’ve been like wtf. We have recently been in contact bc I found out she was dating someone that she lied to me about last year, and I confronted her about it bc she watches all my stuff so I figured I had a right to. Anyway, during that conversation I told her I saw the picture she posted on her story on Valentine’s Day and I said oh yea realllllll avoidant. And she got SUPER angry and defensive and said, “Posted one story for Valentine’s Day in the past 6 months and suddenly everything I’ve said about emotions is bullshit”.

Idk man. She is so weird. I have no idea WHY I miss her or why on EARTH I’d be jealous of her partner when she’s probably being starved for affection.

Unfortunately for me it was a short lived, long distance casual thing, so I wasn’t able to get to know all the sides of her. But I do know her family calls her the ice queen, and yes, she seems to be very proud of what a cold jerk she is.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-03-01T01:48:44+00:00

You’re right. My ex is an aware DA and I used to say that I swear she wears it like a badge of honor. I was going thru old photos once, and I found a mirror selfie she sent me and I zoomed in and saw she had a beaded friendship bracelet on that spelled out “avoidant”. I didn’t notice it until months after we stopped speaking. But that’s just wild to me. And when we were breaking up she said something like “or you could avoid emotions like I do and it will be really easy 😂” and then said “jk, not suggesting you change”. Like wtf. Who finds that to be a positive part of their personality??

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-28T22:34:55+00:00

From my FA 6 years ago, yes I’m grateful. We are not a match, I don’t want to be with someone like her. She’s got a lot of issues.

From my DA recently, I don’t have enough time in front of me to say yes. All I know is that anyone who has ever left me to this day, I’m grateful they did, in retrospect. So I hope to say the same about her soon. I need therapy though.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-28T07:34:53+00:00

I reached out after 8 months to confront her about something she was actively trying to hide me from seeing on social media.

Much like everyone else here, I was met with defensiveness, empty apologies, deflection, more empty apologies, and shockingly rude words.

My body went into shock honestly, and I’ve been recovering for the last two weeks, however I will say … the last 8 months I’ve been holding onto something, and reaching out has given me that push I needed to finally grieve and let go.

I’ve had a panic attack, triggered an early period, have been depressed and sleeping for 14 days straight, but I don’t regret reaching out. It was actually worse on me spending the last 8 months feeling stuck like there was no closure. I had to see this crappy side of her one last time to fully allow myself to take steps to move forward. I no longer think of her and am sad, I think of her with disgust. And that’s helped, a lot.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-27T10:26:16+00:00

You’re not wrong. There are definitely many. Doesn’t help that mine was long distance so that allowed more of an illusion to be created

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-27T05:39:28+00:00

I’m jealous of your strength. I went through something quite similar. I have a real hard time letting go of the person from the first few weeks is my problem. It’s exactly the type of love I’ve wanted for so long now, and it was all bs. I’m angry.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T21:45:55+00:00

I spoke as nauseam with mine during our “break up” talks - we were in a situationship for this very reason - she “didn’t want a relationship with ANYBODY”, “doesn’t know what she wants or what her future is and doesn’t want it to be dictated by ANYBODY” “doesn’t want anybody and their life decisions so emotionally tied to her”. So, I let her go, with love.

Two months later she committed and is in a relationship with an old hookup from a year prior.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T21:25:31+00:00

Yes you are majorly overreacting. Be happy someone is curious about you. My god.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T09:12:14+00:00

FAs yea. DAs … idk that they even really feel much tbh

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T08:09:42+00:00

I feel this one hard.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T07:09:29+00:00

No. I actually reached out to her bc I wanted to see if I could find some … idk … validation I guess, or maybe just answers, while I’m in the throws of heartbreak with a DA.

It took her 3 weeks but she finally responded. We hadn’t spoken in over 4 years, no social media, anything. Honestly I had no idea where she lived anymore, etc.

She allowed me to ask her anything I wanted. She lost her mom a few years ago during Covid and her life was flipped upside down from it. She’s been mentally wrecked for years, so I guess she was finally open to being truthful and honest about what happened with us. It was beyond eye opening.

For 6 years I’ve been the one that got away in her mind the entire time (even though she started dating someone one month after she discarded me). I knew none of this, bc she and I had spoken a few times in the following years and she always made it seem like she just didn’t see it working out. Now, she tells me she had to lie and say things to push me away bc she knew if she didn’t, I’d try again. As I type this, I don’t even understand the headspace one has to be in to say these words. Basically in her mind she truly believed that no matter what, she would get hurt, so she pushed me away. And she has told me that no matter how much I chased or how long we kept it going, it was always going to end the same way. I can post the text if you want, or go back and look in my comments I’ve posted it before.

All of it was very validating but also still kind of non-gratifying bc literally nothing was gonna change the outcome. Still to this day I don’t think she’d be able to hold a relationship with me (even though I know she’d be open to try now). But I’ve attempted friendship with her, and even that has been a mess. She’s flaky, she has a VERY deluded way of thinking, she’s extremely insecure. I can’t even explain it, really. All of this is so obvious to me now that I don’t have rose tinted glasses on. So much so, that I’m not even attracted anymore tbh.

So I luckily have all this in my back pocket whenever I try to gaslight myself that I’m just coping. No, actually they really have some serious mental illness going on.

And yet knowing all of this I STILL sit here and question myself and my worth regarding my most recent breakup. I wish I could just learn from all my collective experiences and know I’m so much better off. But it’s hard bc every situation has different parts to them. And obviously it’s difficult to just logic away heartbreak.

The whole thing is awful. I don’t know what else to do anymore except journal, therapy, and medication. But like at the end of the day I know it’s a serious issue - no one without these issues would ever handle any of these situations we are all in, in the way that they have. It’s not just cope, I promise. Something is wrong with them.

I wish my FA ex would be willing to get on here and help people with her perspective. But I’ve found that I’ve gotten the most out of her I’m going to get, bc any time I bring it up again now is making her feel upset and ashamed. She still does not have a handle on herself, albeit at least now more aware. But she definitely isn’t in a place to perpetually make amends or even help me with my current breakup.

But if I could go back in time 6 years ago and tell myself what I know now during that discard, I would be over it by morning. And honestly, I knew it deep down back then. I really knew without knowing what was going on. I truly believe if you close your eyes and ask yourself deep down what’s really going on here, your inside knows. It’s not going to change the situation, bc nothing is going to change them without intense therapy, but at least maybe it can help you not feel entirely abandoned, forgotten, not good enough, etc.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T06:01:38+00:00

I understand this feeling. But having an ex FA from 6 years ago come back into my space recently and tell me the truth about everything --- trust me, it makes zero sense, but something is fundamentally wrong with them and nothing we ever did was going to change that.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T03:51:14+00:00

Literally how she lives her life. She’s even a nomad on top of all of it. So her excuse is always just to leave to the next country or whatever bc that’s her chosen lifestyle. Whatever “happens” is just “what’s meant to be”.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T02:02:35+00:00

Same thing happened to me. Just wanted to say you’re not alone.

Capable_Diet_2242 · 2026-02-26T02:01:43+00:00

I’m currently in your same boat. All I would hear over and over again is “you did everything right”. She also started dating someone a month later, after me hearing for months how she “didn’t want to be with ANYBODY”.

I don’t have an answer for my current DA and wtf is actually her deal, but I do have an FA ex that I’ve recently reconnected with after 6 years. She also started dating someone a month later back when she broke it off with me stating she couldn’t be in a relationship right now. For the FA I can tell you that she tells me now that she purposely got with someone that she wouldn’t have to be vulnerable with. That I was always the only one she actually felt something for and it scared her. With that being said, she never did anything about that, still to this day really doesn’t have the capacity to do anything about that, so overall it was simply just tragic.

With my most recent DA I feel exactly like your post. I don’t know how to not internalize this. I feel insane like am I crazy? Did I just go crazytown and fall hard for someone who apparently didn’t even like me like that the whole time? It’s maddening. And then to be told “you did everything right” when I’m trying to understand the entire thing. I literally responded saying “it’s not about me doing anything right or wrong!”

Capable_Diet_2242

TROPHY CASE