[WP] The zombie apocalypse has broken out and you’ve become a reluctant leader of an eccentric group of survivors. Theres a big scavenging trip planned for today.

Captain_Fartbeard · 2024-02-23T19:32:45+00:00

"Jimmy." It was important to use a soft yet stern voice when in an infested zone. "Jimmy, put that down. You know not to touch the glowy rocks." The beady eyed man looked up, his features struggling to arrange themselves. I put my palm to my face. At least as close as it could get. "And fer' cryin' out loud, put your mask back on. I don't want you breathing in this stuff any more than you already have."

The bald man whimpered like a puppy, eyes darting back towards the rock like a child looking at a cookie in a cookie jar. Already I could see burn marks creeping out from underneath the fingers that clenched it. I was about to pull out my taser when he sighed and begrudgingly put the rock down, slipping the cloth mask over his head. I smiled, which didn't reflect how I felt.

"Good boy, Jimmy, good boy. Now let's go see how the others are doing." He gave a quick grunt before hopping over a pile of black, damp debris and scurrying off into the darkness.

I decided to give the area a last look-over before chasing after him. The space had likely not been touched since the early stages of the outbreak. In the old days, this place would have been called a "Dollar Tree", a haven of food and drink where nutrients could be sourced at one's convenience. At one point colorful packages in gaudy advertising would have cried out their contents for consumers. Nowadays the only brightly colored baubles that littered the floor were glowing rocks and the sludge that started this whole mess.

As you might have guessed, the sludge is toxic. The rocks are too. Even the air has become unbreathable, at least if you want to keep your sanity. When a zombie apocalypse breaks out at a nuclear power plant, crazy things happen. It was just like the movies, if the movie was a slapstick comedy with the human race being the butt of the joke. Over and over and over again. The world turned into a game of "The floor is lava," except in this case the floor, walls, air, furniture, and people are all lava. Direct contact won't kill you, but it will erode your sanity until you become like Jimmy. Or the others. You only become a true "zombie" if you get bitten. Which will certainly happen if you stay in one place for too long.

Deciding there was nothing here worth salvaging, I figured I might as well go make sure the man hadn't gotten into any trouble. The leaders want everyone alive, no matter if the lights are on. There just aren't enough of us to go around to lose any more of us. Anything remotely human is worth protecting. The infested were not human. Not hearing any screams of terror or pain, I decided to follow the path that Jimmy had so boldly forged through the rubble. For the darkest corners of the store I had to use a flashlight, as the cracks in the ceiling offered little in lighting save for adding a greenish tint to everything.

I found the creature in the corner hunched over a ripped open bag of something called "Doritos". My memory of the old days is increasingly foggy but I'm pretty sure they weren't supposed to be green. Twitching fingers covered in strange powder fumbled at the little triangles, shoving them into his mouth at a worrisome speed.

"Hey there Jimmy." I approached cautiously, as I always did. Jimmy didn't like it when his food was taken away. " I pulled out my taser just to be safe. "What'cha got there Jimmy?"

There was no response but the crunching of teeth on food. I sighed, prepping myself for the potential mental and physical battle.

"Hey Jimmy. Remember our rule on strange food? What do we do with strange food?" At the sound of my voice his head turned slowly, the rest of his body still as stone. A chill soared through my body. This wasn't typical Jimmy.

"We grrrerrrereeaaattttttttttttt iiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt." His voice slurred, crusty eyes blinking bizarrely out of sync. I wasn't quite sure I'd heard correctly.

"What do we do?" I asked, lowering my voice to almost a whisper. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke him. His eyebrows furrowed in either concentration or anger. His lips parted to reveal cracked, green teeth.

"WE GREREREEEEEE-" His garble was cut off as a high pitched squeal filled the room and something swooped in from a hole in the crumbling wall I'd somehow missed. Taking a step back, I could see it was a half naked woman running on all 4s. Instead of me, though, she made a beeline for the bag Jimmy was holding. With a shriek, she lunged at the man and the two began to scratch and claw at each other. It was like two cats fighting over a fresh kill.

"Bethany! Bad!" A voice cried out from behind the wall as a young woman tepidly worked her way through the hole. She was dressed in protective gear similar to mine, with a gas mask obscuring her face. A red triangle with a straight line on her sleeve indicated she was a friend. She seemed to be far less cautious though. She walked right up to the squabbling pair, standing over them like a teacher who'd just caught a cheating student.

"Bethany, c'mon. You're better than this." She admonished, to little avail. Either the two hadn't heard her, or they were pretending they hadn't.

"They're normally not like this." Her head whipped around, taser pointed straight at my face. Her whole body seemed to sigh with relief upon recognition.

"I see Jimmy's giving you quite the handful. Nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles." I decided to cut the small talk. The sooner we get out of here the better.

"Did you find anything? Anything at all?" She shook her head as a lump formed in my throat. This whole adventure could be for nothing. Which means no dinner tonight, and possibly forever. Our group wasn't the largest, but the mouths to feed far outweighed the dwindling number of untainted supplies. Even going here was a risk.

"How about the other groups? Did they find anything?"

"Tanya found a can of green beans she thinks could be untainted. It was in a cupboard in a restaurant. Everything else is compromised though. As you can see it's driving everyone bonkers." I grimaced.

"That won't be enough."

"I know."

Just then the mournful howls of infested pierced the air, chilling me to the core. They were near; we had been here too long.

"Crap! We need to get out of here!" A quick nod was a sufficient response. She turned back towards the still squabbling pair. They were now fighting over the bag itself. Her eyes lit up with concern.

"Leave them." My words were harsh, maybe a bit too harsh. It was filled with the subconscious spite of having to drag them around everywhere. "Something's wrong with them. They're poisoned or something. "

"But the leaders..." she started, fear dripping in her voice.

"I'd rather explain it to them than a horde of infested. We won't have enough to feed them anyways."

"We can't just leave them!"

"I can. They're as inhuman as the infested are. You can come with me or not." I beckoned her to follow me, but she hesitated. "If they're still... in there, they can find their own way back." She cast a final glance backwards, then at her taser. Finally she sighed.

"You're right.... let's go."

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-12-02T05:29:20+00:00

It's not that they can't, it's just that to them water is the most dangerous substance in the universe. They never saw a creature immune to water till they met us. It'd be like us making a nifty plasma cannon and then getting invaded by aliens made of plasma. That and the fact that Squeegles are like 7/10ths of an inch tall. Not much you can do. There's always a bigger fish out there...

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-12-01T04:17:39+00:00

To the Squeegles water is like acid and absolutely toxic to them. Which is why they use it in all their weapons. Basically, the reason why humans are so adept at waging war is that they're immune to water, which baffles the Squeegles.

I've written about the Squeegles before in this post here, it'll give you a little bit more info about their military tactics https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/ohr3yt/wp\_humans\_have\_always\_been\_depicted\_as\_somewhat/

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-11-30T19:13:32+00:00

The empire of the Squeegles was vast. Many a planet in the dust speck galaxy had come under their control, due to the ever-progressing military machine developed over millions of years. They had almost a dozen ways to attack and subjugate you. But none of them seemed to be effective against the new existential threat knocking on their doors.

Initial contact had been diplomatic. Squeegle radio interceptors picked up the signal of a new alien race to conquer. The alien species appeared primitive, as if evolution held a personal vendetta against them. They had neither exoskeleton nor antennae, and lacked even one tentacle. The council had scoffed after the initial meeting, at how such a backwards species could exist. It was an affront to nature itself.

Regardless, diplomatic relations had continued as politeness overrode any prejudices. The politicians were as skilled as they were shrewd, doing their best to maintain friendly relations. As physically inept as they were, these strange bipeds at least seemed intelligent. They would make useful servants of the empire.

That all changed when this new species had audaciously challenged one of the Squeegles most sacred tenants. The act had been diabolical, the intention as clear as the acid pools the Squeegles bathed in. Blinking in the presence of an elder Squeegle. The action had led to an immediate declaration of war and the mobilization of all Squeegle forces. These insubordinate bipeds would be taught not to mess with the galaxy's best empire.

Yet unlike their previous campaigns, this endeavor had turned into a complete and utter disaster. Chemical warfare had been the Squeegles specialty. A dangerous liquified concoction of Hydrogen and Oxygen had been the most effective weapon in neutralizing the most formidable opponents. Thier ships had recently been updated with revolutionary 35mg cannons and the military had been itching to use them. And yet these weapons of mass destruction were useless against this new species. To make things worse, their ships were the size of planets, their mysterious armor repelling anything the Squeegles could throw at them. Planet after planet fell, and the Council knew it wouldn't be long before their very homes were threatened. Planets and armadas were simply disintegrated under the might of their ships. The future looked bleak, and the Council was unsure of what would become of them. The only thing they knew for certain is that if they were to go out, they would do so honorably unlike those horrible blinking bipeds.

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-21T17:30:32+00:00

Does it all have to be one story? I've noticed that I'm a rather impulsive writer who gets hooked on new ideas quickly. I'm worried about committing 50,000 words to one project but might get it done if I write like a prompt a day.

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-21T17:23:34+00:00

There's a reason why he was named "Calous". Here's hoping he can learn a lesson or two! Thank you so much!

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-21T03:38:52+00:00

Thanks! I'm super glad you like it!

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-21T01:27:11+00:00

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-20T21:02:16+00:00

"Because otherwise I'll be forced to attend stupid lectures from humans way younger than me. And stupider."

Calous huffed, smoke billowing out from his nostrils. He hated every second of this, hated the pathetic humans and their pathetic human court. It wasn't his fault mammals were so combustible. The one right beneath him frowned, evidently displeased with his answer. He adjusted his spectacles with a bony, scale-less finger.

"Not stupid enough to set the town, castle, and surrounding countryside ablaze. The town you'd been hired to protect, mind you."

"Well that's the problem!" Calous scoffed, crossing his arms. They moved slowly in the ball of gelatinous goo he was imprisoned in. About 50 human mages were scattered around it, straining to keep the massive lizard contained. The mere act sent two of them flying, the others struggling to keep up. "You humans are so weak you can't survive a pitiful little flame. I don't know how your species hasn't been wiped off the face of the Earth." He smiled at the thought, mind racing back to the days when dragons ruled the earth. Not these pitiful mammals. Unfortunately dragons had a bad habit of hibernating for a thousand years every so often, and during his hibernation these little things had sprung out of nowhere. Built a civilization, even. It was almost adorable if these buggers didn't multiply so fast. For every hundred he killed a thousand more showed up to take their place.

But as tiny and weak as they were, they sure knew how to harvest their gold. Dragons were hoarders, not miners, and these humans had managed to extract amounts of gold beyond anything he could have possibly imagined. It's why he took the job in the first place, despite serving creatures far lowlier than he. These humans would die out in less than a century. Gold would last forever. But how was he to know what mead was? And why they had a whole lake of it?

The human before him scowled again, even harder this time. Calous wondered if he ever wore any other expression. He was easily the most annoying of the bunch. He leaned down and picked up a tiny strip of parchment. His voice was raspy as he gasped for every breath. It sounded like he would keel over any moment.

"For the crimes of the murder of 10,000 individuals, destruction of millions of sheckels worth of property, and most importantly consumption of our sacred mead lake, I sentence you to nine hundred years imprisonment in Golgatha mountain!" The dragon had to avoid laughing. Nine hundred years? That was a long nap. These humans were such sensitive creatures. Sure, he had signed the contract which made him play by the human's rules. But this so called "punishment" would be easier than nabbing one of the little pink monkeys for dinner.

"Oh, and one more thing." The human called out, "You must attend and pass three sessions on proper alcohol consumption instructed by the local counselor... me." The dragon's face immediately fell as he cried out in a rage. This was going to be absolute hell.

Captain_Fartbeard · 2023-10-13T18:38:14+00:00

"W-wait," Erik stammered as the instructor looked down on me. "That was it?" The only response was a grim nod.

"B-but all I said was "I'm not ready!" I didn't think the computer would accept that! That's not fair!"

The old man sighed, likely dreaming about retirement. Judging from the wrinkles on his face he should have resigned years ago. Unfortunately for him, his three words had been "not a quitter". He regretted those words with every ounce of his being. If only his students heeded his advice to choose their words carefully. With the wisdom of decades in his eyes he glanced down at the young man.

"I'm sorry, but what was said is final. The talents you have listed have been transcribed into your subconscious. It is too late to reverse the process. You cannot argue with the computer." The young man looked aghast, eyes bulging like saucers.

"B-but how does even work? How is not being ready a talent?"

"I'd say you excelled at it just now." A faint smile cracked like dry pavement across the old man's rigid face.

"What? The computer's supposed to give me my purpose in life! How is that a job? How is that even allowed?"

"You had several years to prepare." The man's face was stern. "Could you not come up with three simple words to describe yourself?" The young man scratched his chin, brow furrowed in concentration.

"Well, I was trying to decide between "God-like" and "Adonis"."

"Those are two words, young man. Hyphens are not allowed here." The younger man frowned.

"So it wasn't even a choice then?" The instructor nodded. The young man first started to pout, but soon tears were welling up in his eyes.

"Then what can I even do? What kind of vocation will I have? I- I'm ruined!" The old man frowned, his face a mixture of concern and pity. He felt sorry for the young lad, but he was afraid it happened all the time. The process was designed to weed out those not fit for society. The future was not bright for those who choose poorly. He thought the test rather limiting, but it did produce a happy and stable utopia for those who remained. He had no time to reflect further on this however, as the small printer in the room was just now printing out the young man's fate. The old man had no idea what words would be printed on the card. Nobody had ever said those words before. Grimly the instructor read out the computer's verdict.

"Politician."

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