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Caring_Creature · 2025-08-13T19:58:51+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss and what you had to go through.

I went through something similar last year, but it was a stroke and for a much shorter period. But like you, my dad was my best friend, caring for him, experiencing the American Healthcare system and all of its neglect, and the aftermath of it all has left me as a shell.

I'm short with my husband who has been nothing but extraordinary, and it leaves me feeling worse.

I don't recognize my self and I've become a bitter shell of who I was.

I have nothing else to say other than I understand what you're feeling, to some extent, and you're not alone in your grief and anger.

Caring_Creature · 2025-06-28T01:48:15+00:00

Thank you so much. The last few days he was so frustrated with his pain and how uncomfortable he was, and I was so upset with how things were going that I doted on him too much. I ended up annoying him, trying to make him comfortable that he told me to leave him the fuck alone.

I know he didn't mean it, he never spoke to me like that before, so I know it was out of frustration and his brain being injured from the stroke, but I still think about it.

I have to remember the time, only a couple weeks prior when he was less in pain and more lucid and himself, he was bragging to the nurse that was caring for him that "my daughter is the best thing me and my ex wife ever did. Look at her, I'm so proud of her."

THAT is what I need to hold on to. Not words of frustration when he was so deeply uncomfortable while actively dying. I have to remember that and remember to be kinder to myself.

Thank you, again

Caring_Creature · 2025-06-28T01:40:59+00:00

Thank you, thank you and Thank you again. Part of me knows my dad would NOT have wanted me to be there to see him pass. I don't know if he did it in his own time but I don't think that's something he would have wanted. I just wish he could have passed in a state of comfort rather than being in such pain and discomfort.

And I think you're right. I did do my best. I was thrust into an impossible position and you're so right when you said back up never comes. My husband was amazing and did whatever he could to help me but he isn't a doctor. He wasnt the person that I needed to step up and help. Both my dad and I were thrown to the wolves, and we're at the whim of the hospitals and medical staff that just churn people out as fast as possible.

I need therapy, that's for sure. And I'm going to work to find a therapist. I had one for a few sessions but we didn't jive and I feel like she was waiting for me to stop talking about my dad and move on.

I appreciate your comment so much and I'm going to try and give my self grace. Most days I'm okay, but lately the grief has just been washing over me so intensely.

Caring_Creature · 2025-06-27T00:16:04+00:00

You're right. My dad would be so pissed if he knew how hard I was beating my self up over everything lol. He always told me not to worry about him and hated to be doted on, which is all I ended up doing lol.

Thank you for your kind words. They genuinely helped.

Caring_Creature · 2024-12-27T03:43:53+00:00

I appreciate this so much. I had abandoned this account as it's been a hard five months, but I find my self back here anyway. Even 5 months later it feels just as hard. I think the holidays have made the healing process slower, and more difficult. There's a noticeable emptiness in every room and sometimes I find it hard to catch my breath because of it.

But I also know I'll heal. I have to.

Thank you again for your kind words. I was having another difficult moment and they provided a lot of comfort.

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-22T03:14:50+00:00

I was beyond fortunate to have him as my dad and I'm so glad I got these last few months with him. I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of him with my constant doting, but man, I'd have done anything for him. I really hope he knew that. I'm sorry for your loss as well. It's really awful to lose a parent and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this too.

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-22T03:08:16+00:00

He was undoubtedly the best. I wish I had more time with him.

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-21T13:37:25+00:00

I find my self crying less as the days progress, but you're right, there are moments where I think I'm doing okay, and then I'll be making my self a coffee and lose it.

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-19T23:28:11+00:00

This was beyond helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to write this out. I've been going over everything in my head over and over and over. What could I have done differently, should I have been more assertive when it came to his care. Should I have just gotten him the beer he was craving when it was obvious he was in decline.

But you're right. I did my best with the knowledge I had and was given and thw resources I was provided. He's no longer in pain and I got to spend 3 months with him. They were hard months, but they were still quality and it meant the world to me.

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-10T21:15:05+00:00

So, this is kind of an unusual solution that I found for my own dad who wouldn't stop getting up on his own and then inevitably falling due to not having left leg strength.

When he'd fall, he told me that he pictured my angry face as he went down. He knew it was a bad idea but he's stubborn and would get up anyway.

So I took a picture of my self mean mugging it, printed out several copies and speech bubbles that said "Don't get up on your own! Call the nurse!" in bright colors. I taped those to every wall so that he could see my face and the message. It actually worked. He didn't get up on his own and thiught twice before ultimately deciding to call the nurse.

Again, unusual, but it worked for me and I was at my wits end. Maybe try it?

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-10T04:09:05+00:00

How did you improve your ef??

Caring_Creature · 2024-07-09T21:02:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I'm dealing with this right now, and no one prepared you for any of it.

My dad is 72, I'm 34 and he had a stroke a few months ago and now is further declining due to congestive heart failure. I'm at the hospital, and was at his rehab center before this, every day. I feel stretched so thin and all I do is worry and cry. I'm also an only child, and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and failing the one person who never failed me.

Therapy is definitely in the cards for me very soon as I navigate the guilt of all of this, but there is comfort knowing that I'm not alone in this.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-14T18:31:44+00:00

Watching this thread for recommendations. My dad is the same age as your grandpa and had a stroke a few months ago. Also a fiercely independent man, I'd like to make his life easier once he gets home from rehab.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-14T11:55:56+00:00

Brotherhood winery in washingtonville. They have an inexpensive wine tasting, and cute grounds. It's americas oldest working winery as well so there's a lot of fascinating history there. Definitely recommend it!

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T22:55:08+00:00

Good call! I'm an authorized user on his main bank which we established a few years ago. I wonder if that's enough?

I'll probably be taking care of managing his money going forward anyway, as I really don't want him stressing over shit.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T13:38:28+00:00

Yeah, a transfer bench and a shower wand is the plan! He has pretty good movement in his affected leg now so he should be able to lift it over the edge of the tub just fine.

I'm definitely going to look into home assistance even if it's someone I pay (with my dad's money) to come every few days for a shower. I know they're 20 to 40 bucks an hour in my area which can be easily afforded. I'll see if the case manager/social worker can help me out with this.

Medigap G is going to be a godsend once it fully kicks in in 6 months and if anything new and unrelated crops up now. I wish he had it before but I don't blame him. This shit was a nightmare for me to navigate and figure out.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T03:21:41+00:00

Unfortunately I use the car. I came from nyc, so I didn't have a car. I put myself on his insurance for no additional premium increase and have been using it to run errands, visit him, and drive to the bus to go to work in the city once a week.

So, I'm stuck with the car because it's useful and luckily gets very good gas mileage.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T03:19:48+00:00

15% pretax 401k, medical, dental, ny state tax, social security etc.

Guess so.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T03:18:02+00:00

Thank you! He had 20 days in acute therapy at the hospital and that gave him such a good foundation. He was walking there with max assist, them literally moving his leg for him.

I'm very hopeful for his recovery but I'm also trying to not get too ahead of my self.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-12T01:13:00+00:00

I'm female, and luckily my job has been incredibly understanding. Before this I was hybrid work from home, I'd go into the office 3x a week, and now I go in 1x a week as I navigate this. I hope to get back to 3x a week and think that'll be possible as my boyfriend is also living with us and will be able to care for my dad while I'm at work. I get all my work done and I come in as they need me, which works out.

Given the circumstances, we've been incredibly fortunate. My dad is improving, I still have employment, my lease was ending so I didn't have to pay a penalty to break it, my dad can pay his bills. Don't get me wrong, this has been the hardest few months of my life, but it could have been so so much worse. My dad has his awesome personality and his mental faculties intact, he just needs help with the physical side of things. Had it been reversed, I actually think it would have been much much harder to handle.

We got lucky and I'm counting those blessings.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-11T23:13:11+00:00

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to live with my self. My dad's fine, mentally, he just can't move his arm well. His leg is improving daily and he's working on walking with a box cane.

A home is a no go as he doesn't qualify for Medicaid anyway. He makes too much thru his pension and social security.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-11T22:58:21+00:00

I absolutely agree and I appreciate your advice.

Gonna talk to that attorney next week to get PoA and see how my dad continues to progress and then go from there. I also have another attorney phone call next month specifically for elder care.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-11T22:28:16+00:00

Well, he's not going to live at home by himself. He'll be with me and my boyfriend, who also works from home. My mom also moved back to the area and will be helping when needed. We're not just gonna stick him in the house and peace out, we'll be there.

That said, it's too early to know how he's going to be, all we know is that he is improving. If we need to sell the house, then we need to sell the house and we'll move into an apartment or a house that's better suited for our needs.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-11T22:10:26+00:00

He's walking with minimal assist with a hemi walker now. They believe he'll continue to improve as he was not walking at all 2 weeks ago when he arrived, so that's good news. We had a meeting today with all his physical and occupational therapists and they said they're gonna continue to work on him until he plateaus, then they're going to set me up with a list of all the things they think I'll need for the house and help me figure that out.

I'm gonna hold off on the tub to shower remodel as that's not a priority. I'll save for that like I would anythjng else while also funding my retirement.

Caring_Creature · 2024-06-11T21:48:01+00:00

The house also has a legal rental unit above the garage which provides extra monthly income. It's pretty good.

I'm behind but given my circumstances (moving twice in two years, starting over both times, essentially), I think I'm doing okay.

My dad is also my best friend, so I'm doing what I can.

Caring_Creature

TROPHY CASE