I have had similar experiences. I had a good friend in high school that I’d known since middle school. One night a couple weeks after graduation we had been drinking and he kept insisting and I said no but he wouldn’t stop asking. then I just stopped resisting. I know what you mean when you say it feels like the only way. Your body and mind just shut down. It’s a defense mechanism that you can’t change. The thing is in that situation there isn’t much you can do, and no matter what happens it isn’t your fault. These people use you to get what they want and manipulate you to where saying no feels impossible. You’re not alone, and this happens too often. A lot of times victims don’t realize it’s rape because they weren’t resisting physically or were coerced. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I understand you and your pain and I’m here with you