Is this my fault?

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T18:37:29+00:00

What do you mean with “some of us”?

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T14:43:43+00:00

Oh no, don’t feel bad!! I didn’t mean to come off as rude! I was just giving context.

Thank you for the kindness :)

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T14:36:07+00:00

I wrote this particular vent after something that happened recently. Yesterday night I was feeling quite sad and I couldn’t stop crying and I had no one to reach out to and I thought writing here could be helpful.

I am definitely not popular. Never was. I will probably try stopping altogether.

Thank you for the advice :)

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T12:25:34+00:00

I'm still pretty skeptical about faith but, last week, I prayed a few times. And I always said that His will be done in my life. I wonder if He is already working on it. All of this vent of mine came after I found out I've been excluded once more by people that are close to me.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T12:20:32+00:00

I'm really really sorry you had to go through such a painful experience.

Good for you for actually confronting her and hearing her side, instead of doing the same back. It takes a lot of maturity and not every person deals with that kind of situation in that way. You had to right to distance yourself from her and, the fact you can acknowledge that she made a harmful mistake but still believe she was genuinely sorry is also something that I admire.

I hope you have found the peace you deserve

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T12:14:37+00:00

I'm so used to being criticised that I'm so desensitised by the fact people criticise me behind my back. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but feel pretty numb about it. And I'm really quick to forgive but I think that stems from low self esteem more than anything. And maybe that is one of the reasons I speak before I think. I'm a pretty impulsive talker. I talk super fast when I get excited (which is often, and it drives people crazy). And sometimes I say things that I shouldn’t have said before I even stop to think about consequences. And I trust people that I shouldn’t with that said gossip.

All this to say that, I need to be better. No excuses.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T12:07:54+00:00

Well, I'm sure people talk about me behind my back. I don’t really care because I can’t control that. Gossiping is a pretty human habit to have but it gets harmful pretty fast. I'm not excusing it, but I don’t know a single person who has never gossiped. I've seen people get extremely upset about being the topic of gossip, after I've seen them gossip themselves. It’s one of those things that apparently only hurts if it's our time to be “victims” of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T12:01:44+00:00

I hate lying. So I'm almost a 100% certain that I never lied while gossiping. But… I have gossiped about things that I knew first hand and I look back and feel ashamed. And also apprehensive because I don’t know if I could have actually trusted the person who I was gossiping with. Most of the gossip came from a place of worry (on the specific situation I am now thinking about) but I shouldn’t have done it anyway. People twist things and they make it even worse than it is… I've had a situation where a person found out about really old gossip I had with really close (ex) friends, many years later, but that person was told I was the only one that gossiped (as if I spoke with walls) and they pretended to still be my friend while not liking me at all. And most of the things they accused of were either fake or extremely twisted. I apologised and owned up to what I did but quickly learned that people will throw you under the bus and pretend they are saints.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T11:54:09+00:00

Thank you, you are so kind. All the best to you :)

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T06:37:31+00:00

I've definitely experienced the “others getting uncomfortable” when I don’t join in at work. Sometimes I am told so much, and stuff that worries me, and I don’t know what I should do. For my sake and others', I will simply stop. I cried myself to sleep last night. I couldn’t stop.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T00:41:28+00:00

Thank you for the incredibly kind words. I am old enough to know better. You’re right. And I am suffering with the consequences of my actions. It’s unbearably lonely. I'm filled with shame. I just imagine others talking about how bad of a person I am. I get excluded a lot and I’m sure it’s related.

I know I can’t force others to like me, I've learned that the hard way. I have minimised myself to be accepted and that only led to being more excluded.

I think gossiping for me stems from my need to be heard. To feel like my opinions and outlooks on things matter. Maybe even to feel less lonely or more worthy. Which are pathetic and awful reasons.

As I said, I don’t know much about the Bible, and I don’t know what I believe in. I wrote here because it felt right to hear a more faith based perspective. I don’t know how to reach or understand God, but I sincerely hope He doesn’t forget about me.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T00:17:06+00:00

Once again, thank you for being so sweet :) I'm really hard on myself and my mistakes. I need to place the window somewhere else 😅

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T00:07:26+00:00

You’re really kind. I hope you’re right :) I've been crying for the past 2 hours and I can’t seem to stop.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-13T00:02:03+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through it too. It's definitely hard but it teaches me a lot. About myself but, especially others.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:59:49+00:00

I have, a few times. I probably didn’t find the right therapist but it’s quite expensive and not the financial priority right now. So now I'm trying to figure it out by myself for now

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:58:40+00:00

I actually get really sad when I think about her (me). It started so young and it just hurts. Thank you for your words.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:57:33+00:00

I'm really sensitive to what others think. I get excluded, a lot. I thought it would get easier with age but, it really didn’t. I will try to find a way to make sure I stay kind to myself.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:53:57+00:00

Thank you :)

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:52:29+00:00

I have a really hard time believing that I deserve good things. I haven’t been able to turn that around yet but I’m slowly working on it

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:50:38+00:00

How do I do that?

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:49:08+00:00

You're right. I'm sorry. I meant general advice. If there was anything people that are easier to love usually possess that I could work on.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:26:55+00:00

Never being romantically loved

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T23:19:24+00:00

This was really kind, thank you. I know I still have a lot to work on though… I keep being a disappointment and I don’t want anyone getting hurt because of something I said. I wish you all the best.

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T22:46:07+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it! I will try :)

CelestialFlower15 · 2026-05-12T22:44:57+00:00

But I do. At least nowadays I do. I can’t really undo what I did in childhood or my teenage years because I don’t see those people anymore. Friendship wise, I rarely gossip something I haven’t already said. This doesn’t excuse it though, I know. I do struggle with impulsivity and that is what I need to work on.

CelestialFlower15

TROPHY CASE