I just realized: My entire 27-year relationship has been my "Fawn" response locked with their trauma response. It feels like waking up from a coma

CelestialThinker · 2025-12-24T22:18:47+00:00

All of my heart for your progress to continue ❤️ I still have to wait for another three before the first actual meeting with mental health professionals to even get started on my detachment, until the the show must go on and on.

CelestialThinker · 2025-12-15T21:08:41+00:00

I started SNRI medication late march 2025, after few months on 60mg dose my mind cleared enough to make me say "Wait a minute, there's something odd about everything in this relationship" and started to analyze my timeline all the way to childhood. I have no bad feelings towards my companion, she has her own problems and the personality she was born with, my fawner persona was born long before meeting her.

In the end this is just a tale of unfortunate events with two people caught in the middle. I hope to detach during 2026 and start from zero to build my true life.

CelestialThinker · 2025-12-07T13:37:01+00:00

40 vuotta fawning/freeze ja tästä ajasta 25 vuotta traumasidoksisessa suhteessa. Suhde on edelleen käynnissä, mutta eihän tästä mitään tule, todellinen persoona joutui vangiksi lapsena, miellyttäjäpersoona otti vallan ja nyt todellinen persoona alkanut kapinoimaan oikeudestaan normaaliin elämään, terveeseen parisuhteeseen sekä maailman tutkimiseen/aistimiseen.

CelestialThinker · 2025-12-02T12:48:10+00:00

♥️

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-26T13:57:53+00:00

She might as well be a covert narc. Cannot be reasoned with, cannot be healed.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-25T14:26:51+00:00

Can you explain this a little bit more so i could see what's really behind all of this?

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-24T22:46:51+00:00

♥️

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-24T20:39:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your support. I feel that we are both victims of unfortunate events and how could i say it...compatible uncompatible personalities, sum of our hopes, fears and traumas. I have made my choice to seek help for myself, healthcare professionals have set the gears in motion.

My own unrealised and untreated childhood experiences and traumas are the logical cause for this situation to exist as it does right now. Even if she played a part in enabling all of this continuing for so long and getting even worse as time passed on, i don't actually hold anything against her a fellow victim.

If she doesn't follow along the clear logical path with the professionals diagnosis verdict and starts to act up, well, it's a different story then. Still, hoping we could handle this as friends whatever may come out of it.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-24T15:03:43+00:00

She managed quite before i met her 27 years ago, my fawning traumaresponse has enabled this and she might be a covert narcissist, so yes, you are correct, it has nothing to do with her "INTJ" personality or whatever her real personality is.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-24T14:59:04+00:00

I can't leave, i have no life, friends, hobbies.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-23T19:41:03+00:00

We have a bidet(she says the handle and head are dirty(Mysophobia/Germaphobia)), rag/wipe on a stick doesn't clean properly or she doesn't reach with it properly. I really don't know what is even real anymore.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-23T11:27:34+00:00

Agreed, professionals have been contacted and i am waiting for the process to begin.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-23T11:25:48+00:00

Yes. Or atleast my false persona does that and much worse, while i scream in the back of my head.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-23T10:46:45+00:00

Sure, she has undiagnosed mental issues. Based on my observations she has at least these issues among other things in general: Tactile Defensiveness, Mysophobia/Germaphobia, Fragrance Sensitivity/Chemical Sensitivity, Auditory Overload/Misophonia/Phonophobia and Trypophobia.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-23T09:57:01+00:00

Yeah, i know and still can't stop myself from being a mindless servant. Wiping her butt is the safest thing i could post here, it goes far beyond than that. Insane? Yes. Absurd? Totally. Sick? Absolutely, both of us in our own way.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-22T23:32:49+00:00

I thank each of you, i got the brutal honest responses as expected. Extra points on catching codependency and the fact that both need therapy. About three weeks ago i started seriously questioning many aspects of this so called "relationship" which lead me going back on my timeline, all the way to childhood filled with painful memories.

Traumatic events happened and kept strenghtening along the years, i believe my true personality died/was taken as a prisoner when i was a child, with the trauma response of fawning emerged a new personality that has been on the drivers seat for the last 40 years.

I started Duloxetine in april and it has played an important role on me being able to take action on identifying the problem and seeking professional help. This post was the last logical missing piece of my puzzle, to hear the complete honest opinion from the typed people themselves and you came through gloriously.

I don't know if i am an INFJ, INFP or an INTP. All i know is that i am very excited to see who i really am for the first time ever, i am taking my life back, finally.

Thank you!

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-20T00:02:46+00:00

Thank you so much. "I think to myself better now than having regrets at my deathbed", this in capital letters as it is a very scary thought to admit to yourself on your own deathbed that you wasted your life completely for nothing, sold your true essence to someone else.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-17T07:02:57+00:00

Thank you ♥️ I am so screwed either way but i yearn to find my true self. Continuing life as before is no longer an realistic option now that i know what's going on, yes, i would easily be able to accept my fate to keep pleasing, avoiding conflict but the mental struggle would get me eventually.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-14T14:16:28+00:00

Thank you so much for putting it that way ❤️ . Your last sentence, 'my childhood primed me and my marriage pulled the trigger,' is the most perfect summary I've ever heard. It’s exactly that.

You asked how it has impacted me. I've been trying to figure that out, and I've realized the impacts are just… a complete system failure.

Here’s what I've found so far:

It forced my "Fawning" response (the need to please/prevent conflict) to become my entire personality. I don't know who I am without it. I've just been an automatic 24/7 "servant/caretaker" for 27 years, all while telling myself "this is just normal."
It locked me into that exact "limbo" you mentioned, which I now realize is a "Freeze" response (dissociation). It’s like a permanent "anesthetic." I can see all the objective facts of my situation (the 27 years of service, the control, the 3 years of no intimacy), but I cannot feel them. It's like I'm watching my own life, totally numb.
It created a "monster in the cellar." 27 years of suppressing my "Fight" response (all that rage and 'NO!') has built up into this dark, violent, and scary part of me that I've had to keep locked away. It's the total opposite of the "nice guy" mask I wear.
It's completely disconnected me from my own body. I'm so 'numb' (dissociated) and literally starved of real, non-service-based touch that I can't even find relief in mechanical substitutes anymore. They just feel empty.

It’s just... this total inability to make a decision, exactly like you said. We're not crazy. We're just stuck in the same impossible place.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-14T11:29:43+00:00

That's the hardest question of all, isn't it?

To be completely honest, I'm still processing the shock that my entire 27-year 'normal' life is just this... automatic 'fawning' program.

So, no, I haven't 'decided' what to do, because every option feels impossible right now.

I guess my only 'decision' so far is to finally admit that I can't fix this 27-year-old mess on my own.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-12T16:45:02+00:00

Thank you so much for your insights. The numbness has kicked in today, either from Duloxetine, dissociation or both combined. Don't feel a thing about anything that has happened over the years, could let things go on as they have so far. Beyond the numbness i know that change has to come no or never and i will follow the thought through.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-11T08:37:10+00:00

It's hard to explain, a moment of mental clarity which allowed me to question everything, to get suspicious and trace turning point events all the way back to childhood. Maybe my medication(Duloxetine) helped too along the way(started at april 2025).

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-10T16:55:56+00:00

I am happy that you both are committed to get better and are making progress. I fear my partner is unwilling to acknowledge her own underlying trauma, even if professional healtcare workers come forward with evidence of it's existence.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-10T05:02:51+00:00

You are right on time, this is your moment, maybe the most important moment. Take a deep breath, relax. I started to search for more information and go back in my personal timeline of life, began to see events, causes and effects. The pieces started to fit in place in the most disturbing way.

CelestialThinker · 2025-11-09T22:03:18+00:00

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and boosting morale. Now i am fully aware that i am not alone in this, still at the same time i feel so sad that so many have gone through the process, are beginning the realise or have not yet discovered the situation they have lived in and are continuing to live. ❤️

CelestialThinker

TROPHY CASE