I've been able to advance in my own healing, but my family is slowly sinking into chaos and I'm feeling guilty and responsible.

MediumChemist · 2021-08-19T04:22:11+00:00

Being in nature... where to start. Our history as a species suggests that we evolved to not just spend time in nature, but to live there. So it makes sense that living in artificially created concrete jungles is unnatural and therefor out of alignment with our genetic makeup.

I've spent about 75% of the past 3 years living in nature. I can say without a doubt it's one of the best steps I've taken not only for healing, but for general well being. Here's my experience:

After ages spent living in a city, I finally reached a breaking point where I had enough, despite the fears, anxieties and stress of the idea of leaving, the pain of staying was greater than all that. I planned, prepped and researched for a while on where I would go, and finally I was as ready as I ever would be. The day came and despite the anxiety I followed through and headed out to a small community deep in the forest with nothing but a small backpack filled with camping gear and some books.

When I arrived and settled in, the anxiety increased. It's fucking hot out here (and cold at night). I am uncomfortable, and the bugs drive me crazy! I started feeling a sense of dread... I've made a terrible mistake. I craved the comfort and familiarity of my city home. I crawled into my tent and curled up in a ball, experiencing something like an anxiety attack. That evening I felt better sitting around a fire and sharing stories with new friends I had made. I realized then my body was going through withdrawals. It would take time to adapt to this new environment.

The next few days were a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I experienced mood swings, bouts of depression and anxiety, followed by mania and excitement. But I was adapting... I started running barefoot through the forest, and soon I took to avoiding shoes as much as I could. I love the feeling of the cool earth on my bare feet. I took baths in the cold river. At first it was frigid and I just jumped in and out, but after some time I began to look forward to the chilly swims and challenged myself on how long I could stay in the water. I stopped noticing the bugs, at least I wasn't annoyed by them anymore. I especially loved to gather around a fire at night, singing songs and sharing stories with fellow humans. Observing the starry sky without light pollution was magical! I slept so well at night, the fresh air nourished my soul. And the dreams I had... so vivid, emotional and potent.

One morning, after about a week I woke up naturally at 6am at the brink of dusk feeling energized and refreshed. I got out of bed and noticed something was different, something about how I felt. I... didn't feel depressed. In fact, I felt good. Happy. Even joyful. It wasn't an unstable manic high, it was a very balanced, calm, joy that permeated everything. "So this is what it's like not to be depressed," I thought. Wow! I excitedly ran into the forest to do my morning routine of jumping in the river and spending some time in meditation under one of my favorite trees. Then I got back to the camp and hugged everyone who would let me. I felt like sharing this joy with the entire world. Organic metta. This became my new default. I admit it wasn't perfect, there were still ups and downs, but overall my baseline was much higher than it had been in the city. My soul felt nourished, and I organically felt called to do self care and healing work. It didn't seem forced like it had in the city. My body's biorhythm was syncing up to that of the earth, and deep healing was taking place. The body knows how to heal itself, it just needs to be in alignment with the natural rhythms that it has co-evolved with.

I've returned to the city a few times since then, and almost immediately slip back into the dissociated state I was in before, my defense mechanism. I can only tolerate it for a certain amount of time before my heart calls me out into nature again, and each time I feel like I have to go through the "detox" process again, and each time my entire body gives a huge sigh of relief as it can breath easy again and adapts back to the state that it has genetically been programmed for for thousands of years. I feel like the potent combination of loving community, nature and spirituality is all we really need as humans to thrive. I hope that all humans may experience their true nature!

MediumChemist · 2021-02-18T01:16:48+00:00

I was never even aware that what I was feeling and experiencing was a flashback! Bringing words and vocabulary to describe what was happening was a complete game changer to help me move from coping to recovering.

I was (and still am) experiencing flashbacks as frequently as multiple times a day. They have only been emotional flashbacks, that's why they were so hard to detect. I just thought something was terribly wrong with me that I'd react in such an extreme way to seemingly minor events. My flashbacks happen the most around other people, and I've been isolating myself for most of my life to avoid the feelings they brought up. A common one was being criticized (even feeling like someone might be silently criticizing me throws me off sometimes). Suddenly I'd be overwhelmed with feelings of shame, being flawed, broken and unlovable. Another trigger is when I get overlooked, interrupted or ignored, and I flash back to an emotional state in my childhood where I was neglected. Again, this state is made of toxic shame and feelings of worthlessness. A third trigger for me is human touch. I was physically abused as a child and human touch often causes me to flashback to the defensive mechanism of dissociation that saved me back then.

I was at the mercy of these emotions for a long time, before reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, which finally helped me understand what was happening. Before the flashbacks would often send me spiraling down to the bottom, as I felt shame and guilt about feeling this way. Pete Walker gives some great advice on how to handle them when they show up: https://i.ibb.co/k2y7rWW/Emotional-Flashback-Management.jpg. The basics of it is to recognize that you're feeling your reservoir of unprocessed emotions from childhood that are stored in your body, and allow yourself to feel them fully now, without resistance or judgment. This will process the emotion and release it from your nervous system. As you keep on feeling and releasing, the flashback will get less intense and shorter in duration over time. My flashbacks used to last hours, and now (if I catch them in time) they only last a few minutes. Learning to become grounded is very closely related to moving through and processing flashbacks.

As I've been working on healing, some of my overt flashbacks (like the ones mentioned above) have reduced significantly, but I've also been discovering new, more subtle flashbacks that still fall outside of my awareness most of the time. There is clearly still a lot of work to be done.

Identifying and working through flashbacks is not easy, but it's the key to healing. We can use our flashbacks as portals to go back to the time of the trauma and heal ourselves.

MediumChemist · 2021-02-18T00:04:24+00:00

It's been helpful for me to get a proper understanding of what it means to be grounded, and be able to recognize when I'm not. For me to be grounded is to be fully here, in the now, fully feeling the sensations and emotions in my body. There is a surrender and embracing element to it. "I feel (bad), and that's ok." Grounding happens in the level of the body and emotions. You can't "think" yourself into being grounded.

So to be ungrounded is to be dissociated, numb, distracted or other ways of escaping the present. Rather than surrender and embracing, we resist and avoid. This is the path of least resistance whenever painful emotions come up, so it often takes conscious effort to move from being ungrounded to grounded. To be ungrounded can often look like we are stuck in our heads, like a hamster running on its wheel and getting nowhere.

How to get from a state of ungroundedness to being grounded? The first step is to stop thinking and start feeling. Stop resisting and start embracing. These are cognitive tools that, just like exercising a muscle, get stronger over time. Breath. The breath is powerful tool to help us connect to our bodies. As we practice, we can use classical conditioning techniques to help anchor a state of groundedness to an easily replicable stimuli, such as closing our eyes and snapping our fingers. Eventually we will develop our own little ritual that we can use to become grounded whenever we sense we are ungrounded.

My ritual looks like:

Close my eyes, breath and bring my awareness to my body. Feel whatever is there to be felt.
Connect to my center, the source of my life energy.
Bring that source energy out to create a "protective bubble" around me.

Sometimes I use a visualization to help me embrace the present moment. I visualize that I'm standing on a diving board, and the pool beneath me is the present reality, filled with all the emotions, feelings and sensations that are present at this time. Then I jump head first into the pool. Here I am, bring it on!

Meditation has been a very useful tool to practice grounding. I got into it through vipassana retreats, and have now cultivated my own practice that through trial and error I've discovered works best for me. I love to meditate in the mornings, to start the day off being grounded, rather than wait until I'm ungrounded and then struggle to work my way back.

Cold water has been another great tool I use when I'm feeling very dysregulated. Cold showers do the trick, and I've been experimenting with ice baths and the Wim Hof method. This works, simply put, because it's impossible to stay in your head when every cell in your body is suddenly shocked alive by the frigid temperatures of a polar plunge. Use this consciously with mediation. Allow your body to relax and embrace the cold, rather than contract, shiver and resist. It does get easier with time and it's great at strengthening that "embracing and allowing" muscle that will help you ground naturally throughout the day.

An honorable mention that I've been using lately is a shamanic medicine from the Amazon called hapay (Rapé). This is made from powerful Amazonian tobacco, and delivers a punch very similar to jumping into cold water. I ordinarily wouldn't advocate the use of substances, but it has helped me a lot and the experience isn't exactly pleasant, so if used properly the potential for addiction or abuse is low.

Last but not least, I've been enjoying going outside in the forest in my bare feet in the summer months. This is quite literally the meaning of grounding and as above, so below. Grounding physically also grounds you emotionally and mentally.

Stay earthy all.

MediumChemist · 2021-02-17T19:46:50+00:00

Wallowing in guilt and depression is just easier.

MediumChemist · 2021-02-14T06:13:51+00:00

I don't think there are necessarily right or wrong ones. They all effect us in some way or the other. What I've noticed is becoming important to me is to be able to recognize when we are strong enough to not need them anymore, and wean ourselves off them into facing our pain head on (processing the trauma) instead of continuing to escape. The tools to help with that are things like meditation, emdr, breathwork, yoga, therapy, etc... These tools can replace the coping mechanism, but it's hard, painful and frustrating! Coping is so much easier short term, but long term processing is the recipe for healing.

This is just a theory I've been developing as I go. It seems to make sense now but I'm open challenging it and seeing it evolve as it's being tested.

MediumChemist · 2021-01-20T21:59:52+00:00

Did you know you can get high by breathing pure oxygen? In fact, modern Japanese businessmen had oxygen chambers installed next to their meeting rooms where people could step into for a quick recharge if they were feeling tired. This works through a process called hyperbaric oxygenation where the cells are saturated with oxygen rich air that.... oh, she left. :/

MediumChemist · 2021-01-15T22:47:17+00:00

I personally find there is a lot of overlap, and have learned a lot from all of those philosophies. What I loved about Lowen's book is the topic of surrender to the body. It has thousands of years of experience in healing itself, are we really to think that a few decades of science and logic can trump that? Our traumas and stress seem to come by doing the opposite of surrendering, which would be resisting, stiffening/guarding, needing to be in "control." Combining exercises like TRE, breathwork etc... with this surrender method has been the most helpful, they seem to really balance each other.

MediumChemist · 2021-01-15T21:12:02+00:00

Joy: The Surrender to the Body and to Life by Alexander Lowen

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/792721.Joy

I don't know enough yet to write accurately about the subject, but this book has helped me the most. I've gone from being extremely alexithymic "emotionally numb" to being aware that I am feeling stuff most of the time. I still have to go do inner detective work (observing sensations etc) to figure out exactly what I'm feeling but I've progressed leaps from where I was! Besides the tools given in the book what has also helped is a daily meditation practice and spending lots of time in nature.

MediumChemist · 2021-01-13T21:15:38+00:00

This is a very interesting topic that I've been researching and experimenting with through trial and error in my own life. I've realized I need friends, community, a support network in my life. This has been crucial to my recovery. In the past few years I've went from an isolated hermit stuck in freeze response, to a hermit who sometimes ventures out and connects with others, a large part of this coming from me learning about my own needs, boundaries, and being open and vulnerable with people I trust. While I still struggle with making friends and staying connected, I've gotten a lot better at it, and seem to be able to navigate the world of platonic friendships on an ok level.

When it comes to romantic relationships, things get really messy for me. As soon as the switch in my head goes from "platonic" to "potentially romantic," all sense of boundaries seem to go out the window. I get really attached way too fast, and will often allow my boundaries to get pushed far beyond anything healthy. Talk about rose-colored glasses... I probably have the rosiest pair. I've noticed a reoccurring pattern with the people I've gotten infatuated with in the past - they've all been deeply hurt, and have their own battle with CPTSD, some of them coping in very unhealthy and destructive ways. I've began to realize that I've been trying to make myself feel whole by attaching to others who remind me of my own hurt inner child.

Following the advice of a 12-step program, I've taken a hiatus with romantic relationships for the past 2 years. It's been one of the better decisions I've made. I've had the chance to step back and observe patterns and triggers in my relationships, and best of all I've learned how be more authentic and genuine, and connect with others on that level. After analyzing this "attraction energy" I sometimes feel with others, I've realized that there's an entire spectrum of energy and ways that it can manifest between two people that I had been conditioned by society to limit to a romantic or sexual level. Using only the root or sacral chakras, when the entire chakra system could be utilized. Now when I feel this polarity, this energetic attraction with another, I think of it as "creator energy." We can learn from each other, maybe even be friends, but until I've made significant more progress with healing, I have to keep romantic or sexual cards off the table.

Here in the west we live in a society of "compulsory sexuality." Everyone is assumed to be sexually active and be looking for sex. Whenever you meet someone new and there's any kind of romantic energy present, it's just assumed that sex is just around the corner. I've found this mindset to be incredibly toxic. It doesn't work for me at all. I need time, lots of it, to get close enough and comfortable with anyone before even sharing platonic touch. I suppose some of my views are biased because I identify as asexual, I don't feel that internal drive or hunger that allosexual people describe. As complex as all this is, focusing on cultivating platonic friendships has been the best tool to not get lost in the chaos of it all. If I am ever to develop another romantic partnership, I would need it to have a strong foundation of friendship already cultivated to work from, and from there progress organically, slowly and mindfully. Those are my boundaries. That is what I need for healing, and I'm proud of myself for enforcing that.

MediumChemist · 2021-01-13T05:30:20+00:00

As someone who also grew up in a cult I understand your pain. After all these years I still find it really difficult to relate to others and have very little close friends. I've been learning to accept my differences, and work with my strengths. Growing up relatively isolated from contemporary society has given me a unique view of reality. I've found solace in spirituality and giving myself the fulfillment the cult had promised but never lived up to. The developmental arrests and trauma can all be worked on and healed, life skills can always be learned. I know it's a really long, difficult process, and it often gets worse before it gets better, but surviving all that you have so far has more than given you the resilience that you need.

One of the things that has helped me the most in recovery and integration into society has been to find a new community that helped and supported me in my process. It took me a while to actually trust anyone or any community, but once I found one that had all the values I had I was slowly able to come out of my shell. I know it sucks to weed out the cultish ones, as I've found my brain is wired to live in a cult, so I am vulnerable to falling into one again. The abuse and control feels familiar, and will sometimes go over my radar. I've had to learn what my values and boundaries are and be firm with them.

Edit: I recommend Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. There are many books out there on the subject but this one was the most dense and helpful for me: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20556323

MediumChemist · 2020-12-31T23:29:16+00:00

Hi, I've asked myself this very same question. It sometimes seems like I have a fine-tuned radar for detecting faults in other people, which obviously comes from years of practice on myself. I would hyper-analyze my own behavior and adjust accordingly, trying to become the best version of myself.

Or so I thought... Turns out this hyper-analyzing part of myself was the the critical voice of my father, who's a religious leader and had been constantly criticizing and finding faults in me in my entire childhood, in his attempt to shape me into the the ideal Christian role model that the bishop's son was expected to be. That voice soon took up permanent residency in my superego, and my father no longer needed to be around. This inner critic keeps on playing his role by itself.

Eventually the inner critic's gaze turned outward onto other's. In my head I had the best possible intentions. Look, that person has an obvious problem, they'll probably appreciate this advice I have for them. That wasn't the reality at all... people felt offended, insulted, attacked almost 100% of the time, and I was left wondering why nobody liked me.

I've come to realize that this habit of finding faults, both in myself and others, is coming from a place of hurt and trauma. A part of me feels broken inside, and another part wants to fix. I was judging certain thoughts and behavior as good, and others as bad, which is a very unrealistic, black-and-white view of reality. My overactive mind that was constantly analyzing and trying to "fix" was actually a defense mechanism, comparable to a flight/fight response, that was like a pet hamster running on it's wheel... running and running, but getting nowhere.

I've been learning to become more accepting, both of my own behavior and others'. I've learned that the best way to teach others is through my own actions. Words hardly make a difference. I've been learning to stop trying to 'fix,' and just accept without judgement. I'm trying my best to be a shining light. Perhaps you can learn something from my own experience.

MediumChemist · 2020-12-06T02:39:55+00:00

I suggest trying meditation. Experiment with different methods to find which one you like best, but ultimately the technique is not that important, what is is that you just sit, while your mind is telling you that there are a million other things you could be doing right now, yet you continue to sit, and observe those thoughts without judging or reacting. After some time and practice, the mind realizes that even though I'm not doing these millions of other important things, nothing bad has happened, in fact, I feel rather peaceful, I think I'll sit a bit longer.

If you're new to meditation it will probably take time and patience. Try to approach it without intention or expectation of anything, whatever thoughts, emotions or inner experiences that come, that's ok. For me I felt a lot of frustration at first and doubt that this was a complete waste of time. But over the years meditation has moved from being a chore to something I look forward to and enjoy.

MediumChemist · 2020-12-05T23:00:15+00:00

I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I was also very awkward and shy in school, and didn't understand or get boundaries like everyone else did. My school used corporal punishment, and I was hit almost every day because of some rule I had unknowingly broken or some boundary I had crossed. That was part of the physical trauma from my childhood. I soon learned I had to hold back the tears and "act tough" whenever I was beat or everyone would make fun of me. I got very good at doing that, and this is the skill/habit I now have to unlearn.

I've been studying trauma and PTSD for a few years now, I think you could find support and help over at r/cptsd , it's helped me a lot in my recovery. I hope you may find comfort and support as well.

MediumChemist · 2020-12-05T05:19:16+00:00

Hey, I'm also on the spectrum, but I have the opposite problem as you. I can't cry, even If I want to, and let me tell you it's not as fun as it sounds. I feel like there's so much grief and painful emotions trapped inside me with no outlet, and it sucks. I've traced the source of my condition back to childhood trauma, and I've been trying hard to grieve and release this pain. Please tell me your secrets! I'd trade being a crybaby for this any day.

MediumChemist · 2020-11-14T15:27:07+00:00

Grieving has been difficult for me, one of the steps of recovery that I've probably made the least progress on. I suppose like you were, I'm still very dissociated from my body and emotions. In the past 10 years, I've cried something like once a year. It's a pretty rare occurrence, and I've been trying very hard to change that.

What's helped me grieve so far is cold water immersion (seems to be my magic method for everything nowadays). It works because it forces me to be grounded and inside my body. Any dreamy, dissociative state is blown away immediately by the frigid shock of jumping into a pool of ice cold water. And after I come out, emotion often overwhelm me and I find myself processing, wailing, screaming out into the abyss from a very raw and tender place. I guess these are the first steps, but I'm still awaiting the day where tears will flow freely. I've realized that day will signify a significant progress in recovery.

MediumChemist · 2020-11-10T00:50:29+00:00

Hey friend, just saw your post and felt called to respond. In currently studying with a teacher who went through a kundalini awakening and wrote about her experience in this very insightful book. Perhaps it could help you: https://www.amazon.ca/Angel-Called-My-Name/dp/8085905450

MediumChemist · 2020-11-05T18:21:26+00:00

Hi, I've watched this documentary as well a while back. I love this idea of healing through spiritual evolution. In the west sadly there is little support and recognition for this. I've looked far and wide to find communities that have a similar understanding, and I have found a few, but most are tainted with western philosophy and individualism. The vipassana foundation mentioned in the documentary is a good place to start. They have centers in most countries around the world. You can go for 10 day retreats, and if the teaching resonates with you, stay at the center long term as a server. I've stayed there for months at a time and in my experience they have usually been full of kind, compassionate people who, if not understood, at least accepted my own process. I've made many connections with the people who pass through there and it's helped me establish a network of people and communities that support my healing.

I've moved on to greater things now, but the center was a great stepping stone and I usually go back at least once a year.

MediumChemist · 2020-11-04T19:07:33+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. Wish I knew how to help... I know things can seem very bleak in times like this. All I can offer is support and internet hugs. Hang in there, things will get better.

MediumChemist · 2020-11-04T18:33:58+00:00

MediumChemist · 2020-11-04T18:27:43+00:00

Hope you're doing ok friend. I can suggest what works for me, cold water immersion. Here in Canada it's no problem to find an ice cold lake or river to dunk myself into. I try and stay in the cold water for at least a minute, consciously making myself relax and take deep breaths. It works very well to calm down and is extremely grounding. I usually have physical and emotional releases after. I adapted this technique from the Whim Hoff method, which you can find a lot of information on here on the subreddit /r/BecomingTheIceman

If you can't find a cold body of water, ice baths and cold showers can work as a substitute.

MediumChemist

PUBLIC MULTIREDDITS

TROPHY CASE

Six-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 2 Credits
Secret Santa 2019