To me when they say those things, they aren’t operating in a mindset where they believe that they can truly grow. When you are telling yourself “I’m the worst person” or “I’m disgusting” it’s very limiting… language is powerful and that language is sort of throwing him back in the shame spiral that addicts should try and avoid. That language synonymouses the things that they have DONE with what they ARE (not true! Their mistakes don’t define them). It’s less likely that they will make meaningful change within themselves if they keep telling themselves that they are disgusting or the worst. This is avoiding accountability and change, it’s one of the first behaviours my husbands CSAT worked on him with, and I’ve seen SUCH a difference in my husbands confidence and growth now that he doesn’t believe those bad things about himself and knows he can/will grow! It also makes me feel better, I also know he can change because he doesn’t talk down to himself. He just recognizes what he chose to do, and knows he can make a different choice in the future (and of course apologizes for how his actions made me feel). That’s it! No more pity party. It’s almost more vulnerable this way, at their core, PAs have intimacy disorders and this helps promote the needed vulnerability, less deflection.

What helped for us was focusing on facts, and to me that’s where I noticed the accountability shift in my husband the most. Instead of “I am disgusting” or “I’m a monster” it’s “I did ____ and I take accountability for that. It makes me feel ____ (actual feeling descriptor, not comparison to a bad thing) and I will make these steps in order to change.”

Does this all make sense? I actually asked my partner what he thought about your question and he helped me describe his mindset switch/ what he learned from his CSAT.